Some of you followed my saga as The Reluctant Self-Publisher on shewrites last year, as I blogged about my adventures in self-publishing.  Now I'm happy to report that my novel won an award. Yay!  Below I describe the gala award ceremony (wink, wink . . .):  

"And next, The Kindle Book Review's Best Indie Book of 2013 in the Suspense Category goes to . . . THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, by Paulette Alden!

I jerk awake when I hear my name. I had dropped off during the announcement of other awards--" Best Indie Imprint Logo that Doesn't Involve An Animal"; "Best Indie Author of the Absolute-Last-in this-Series-Book--Promise!"; "Best Thriller Indie In Which No One Gets Killed"; "Best Romance Indie In Which No One Gets Laid . . ."

"Did they say me?" I frantically ask my husband sitting next to me. "Did I win?  Me?  Can it be? Little old moi?" 

"Go get it, girl! You won!" he says, hoisting me to my feet. 

I had slipped my shoes off (damn stilettos) and now they were hopelessly lost under my seat.  I scramble bare-footed towards the stage, startled and thrilled, hiking the bodice of my strapless dress over my scant bosom, hoping the thing won't fall down (the bodice, not my bosom).

Gown: Goodwill;  Hair: Great Clips;  Jewelry: Walgreens

"Ohmygod!"  I exclaim as Jeff Bennington hands me the award.  "Ohmygod! I can't believe I won!" I yammer.  "Thank you, Jeff!  I didn't expect to win!  I didn't even prepare a speech!" (except what I wrote up and down my arms . . .50 shades of Sarah Palin.)  "This is so great! And so, so deserved!" Fanning myself.  Deep breath.  Wow . . .

"Where to start?  I want to thank my publisher, Radiator Press, who took a chance on me when no one else would (take that, Knopf!).  I want to thank my husband, the other Jeff, who stood by me through my long journey from Reluctant Self-Publisher through Obnoxious Self-Promoter to arrive at this glorious moment, when I morph into Insufferable Self-Congratulator.  I want to thank the readers who actually read the book, not just skimmed it, who told me they loved it (even if they lied), and especially those who wrote reviews on Amazon when I groveled for them.  Keep those reviews a'coming, folks, I'm not at my goal of 205 yet!  205, 205, 205 . . .

"Anaway, I most def want to thank Jeff Bennington of The Kindle Book Review for conceiving of and birthing this award for Indie Authors.  So great of you, Jeff!  I want to thank the sponsors of the award for supporting the winners with great promotion prizes: The Kindle Book Review; Digital Book Today; World Literary Cafe; Kindle Boards; Author Marketing Club; Kindle Nation Daily; Free-Bookz.com.  These are THE sites to go to for free and bargain books, run by folks who tirelessly support authors by getting the word out about our books.  Love you guys!  I want to thank Stephen and Caleb at Venturegalleries.com for featuring my dream interview and dream review.  See you over a glass of Bourbon on Pawley's Island sometime, Caleb . . .

"Furthermore, I want to thank . . . Hey! Why is that bell going off?"  Get the hook, someone is whispering furiously back stage.  "Wait! I'm not finished! Thank you, Mama, thank you, Daddy, . . .thank you, Murphy. . . than . . . Ouch!  That hurts!"

Later, at the gala winners post-awards party:

Elizabeth Gilbert comes up to me.  She looks stunning!  "Paulette," she confides wistfully, "I wish I had published Indie.  Then maybe I could have won one of these awards." 

"Oh Liz," I say gently.  "Your time will come. Just hang in there."

And look, here's Stephen King.  "Hey, if you're not doing anything later," he says, "I'm taking a little trip to the Underworld.  Care to join me?"

"Ummm, I'm not sure," I say.  "I might have to be somewhere--like home." 

"Aw come on!  Be there or be square!  What are you worried about? It's just Hell!"

"I dunno . . ."  

Just then Bill Polad taps me on the shoulder: "You haven't signed with another studio yet, have you?  I can see it already  . . ." He frames his hands to form a movie screen. "We'll open with that knock on Inga's door . . . Inga . . .Sandra Bullock!  Whadda ya think?  Jean is a toughie.  We need an unknown, a nobody.  Somebody's babysitter.  How 'bout Zac Efron for Ben . . or maybe Robert Pattinson . . .

"Okay,"  I say. "Have your people talk to my people."

Dave Eggers interrupts to ask me shyly if he can be my friend on Facebook.  "Twitter, too," I say magnanimously.

Oh! there's Geoff Dyer!  Be still my heart.  He takes his time but finally sidles over, all seven and a half feet of him.  "Is what I hear via the literary grapevine true?" he asks in his sexy, British accent. "That you have a . . . thing . . . for me?"

 "Maybe," I say, not wanting to give too much away. Keep him guessing. 

Just then J. K. Rawlings draws me aside and pats me on the head.  "I think you have a real knack for fantasy, kid," she says, "especially if you're imagining me giving you a pat on the head." 

Oh it was a glorious evening!

Hey, I like winning!  I want to win something else . . .

Where can I buy a lottery ticket?  

(Did I mention I won ?)