thinking about soleil's voice and how it must sound like.  certainly a lot deeper than mine.  but she captures the edginess of my thoughts without hesitation.  she's a voice that does not fear to admit the struggle.  a voice that perseveres against the pain.  she's a voice that is learning to understand the sound of hope and yet does not continue to discount the reality of despair.  

she comes out in my defense.  for i have long since kept this voice locked up.  and while i continue to seek for answers through a faithful reflection of the divine, i will only find the capacity for peace by writing the thoughts i would've wanted people to listen to if i had not been so afraid of the sound of this voice.  

it is fearsome because it is sharp and almost unloving.  clearly wounded and scarred.  but i wonder what journeys it will unearth from me through her sharply bent questions and thought provoking sighs.  i'll let her lead as i wait and let the curtain rise and fall.

much of the sound of soleil's voice comes from a phase in my life which is quite evident when i was in college.  an echo of it recurs when i went to graduate school.  but most of them has been subdued when i have started growing in my spiritual life which is the most ironic of it all.  it almost feels that i've regressed and yet i know i have deepened.  it's something that i continuously seek to understand.  this voice that feels so lost.  yet now it comes from an unknown pit mostly triggered by frustration and longing.  frustration from the slow progress of dreams.  longing for a certainty of pleasant change. 

i try to come to terms with that side of me and find some integration between the psyches.  hopefully unearthing a fuller story and a fulfilling conclusion.