(http://my-room-to-think.blogspot.com/2010/09/dear-jocelyn.html)

The phrase "If I knew then what I know now" doesn't exist for no reason. Since returning from Singapore at the end of August, I've been wanting to turn back the clock, to jump back in time, so that I may do things over. I want to make changes to certain areas of my life. Make different choices. Choices that would put me in better stead now.

I know there should be no room for regret. What is done is done. The past is just that. History. I can decide to learn from it and move on or constantly dwell on it and get stuck in my life journey. I realise such contemplation can make the heart sick.

Nevertheless, at this stage I want to voice my internal struggle; say aloud what I'm thinking and feeling. Perhaps then I may lay this desire to rest and look forward. In light of that, I am writing a letter to my 13 year old self, and it goes somewhat like this...

Dear Jocelyn,

The world is so large to you right now that you have not even begun to look outside yourself and the people and situations that surround your life. You have not put much thought into the future as it appears daunting but also far away. You tell yourself there is plenty of time and push away thoughts of having to decide your path.

You are fragile. Insecure. You're looking for acceptance at home and with your friends at church and in school. You want to fit in and be liked by your peers. Sometimes this tires you. You wonder who you really are. You are afraid to be rejected. To leave a poor impression. You want to be favoured by certain ones. Your fear paralyses you at times. You find you cannot speak in crowds and sometimes looking people in the eye makes your heart pound and your stomach ill. You keep remembering the criticisms you have received.

There is a resentment that has built up within you. You have feelings you don't know how to share. Hurts you don't know how to seek healing for. So you have harboured anger and have withdrawn yourself from the one who has made you feel small.

I want to tell you now that this unforgiveness will only grow deeper. It will slowly but surely consume you. You are afraid to speak your mind because your heart is tender and has started to bleed. You fear the response and cannot find the words to convey your frustration and pain. So far you have reacted out of plain emotions instead. In doing so, you have hurt the other person. This has rewarded you with more curt replies. But trust me, you need to start now. You need to begin the process of reconciliation here.

Approach the one who has hurt you and be truthful. Take it slow, let the words form as you assure the person of your love for them. Don't forget to breathe. You will need to make the first step as the other person does not realise what they have done. They do love you. They just have a very different personality and alot of what they're like is a result of their own upbringing. Building a close bond will change alot of who you have become and will set you free for future years.

Do not let the rift cause you to see God in a negative way. I know it already has. I know you dread church because of that person. I know you believe God exists but you doubt Him in other ways and see Christianity as the other person's religion. I know you blame them for many things because you feel they have never taken the time to guide you the way you have needed them to. You feel like they have put you down and not tried to understand that you have been frightened all along to face things in life. Even little things like taking a bus or train on your own as a child, or ordering food at a counter or running simple errands. They only want what's best for you though. Give them time to learn how to show this well. Help them along by developing a friendship. It can be done.

As for God, He's pretty cool once you get to know Him for yourself. He'll disperse some of your preconceptions, or rather, misconceptions. I know you don't see the point in seeking Him out but give it a go. Give God a chance. There will be areas difficult for you to grasp and you will be tempted to place Him at a distance until you have figured things out. However, if you start now and decide everyday to stick by Him, you'll find joy and peace.

Take the time to get to know your family. Do not distance yourself from them because of hurts and frustrations. Choose to confide in them before calling someone from school or hiding in your room to talk to the walls. This will help release you from some of that inner turmoil. The mind is a battlefield. All that self talk you have been doing; all that self deprecating - it has to go. You can begin to change the conversation in your head and heart. Let your family impart the truth. They do know things. Just be honest. Tell them why you don't want to look at the news. Find ways together to make reading and learning all the boring stuff fun. The stuff you just can't get your head around. Find ways to address the issues that scare you. You can pray together as a family for these areas. You don't have to carry the burden alone.

Ask about their childhood. They have a wealth of knowledge and experience. Gather all their stories in a diary for you'll find them to be great treasures. One day you may want to write a memoir. Yes, it is possible.

You are going to be a writer so don't wait until you are 30 to start exploring this. Don't wait until you are 27 to begin putting your thoughts down on paper. Start now. Start writing. Anything, everything. And allow yourself to be the creative person God has made you to be. It's alright if all you can come up with are stick figures. Never despise the days of small beginning. Never let yourself or anyone else laugh and say you are not good enough. In God's eyes you are brilliant because He has etched greatness into every single person.

Store every picture, every idea. Let your imagination run. Do not limit it with what appears to be reason or logic. Draw, paint, mould out of plasticine. Sew, stitch, paste. Use whatever medium you can get your hands on. Experiment. Nothing you produce will be a failure. You need the creative release; the room to have your child likeness cultivated. Read. Devour books of all kind, just not the dodgy ones. Learn about different worldviews and religions. Learn about flowers and birds. Learn about science, geography and history. Make it exciting. Plan projects to do on weekends. Write silly songs and poems. Write childrens' stories with your sister.

You are more similar to her than you think. She has a soft heart and nature too. Apologise for the times you may have hurt her when growing up. Be gentle and let her be open with you. And don't forget to squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom up!

Sing at the top of your lungs and dance. So what if you look completely ridiculous? So what, I say! It doesn't matter. It really doesn't.

You are overly concerned with the opinions of others. This will wear you down. Much of the pain you have and will experience in life stems from your need for approval. Find your security in God. Ask Him what He thinks of you and hold onto that. Ask Him everyday if you have to. Ask Him to guard your mind and heart from negativity. Make a conscious effort not to belittle yourself. Do not seek attention. Focus on your studies and building healthy relationships. Communicate lovingly with your parents as this develops trust.

When you go to college (SAJC is a great pick), you will need to grow in assurance of who you are in God because you will be swayed by the dynamics of life there. What I mean by that is this. You will notice that there are people who seem to be more popular or more prominent. You will be tempted to try fit into that circle. This is not necessary. Do not become superficial. Look around and search out those who are quiet, who have been left behind. Befriend them. Oh, get to know Elaine Teh and Tan Chia Yen. They'll be in your class. Let your parents meet your friends so they don't have to worry about you being with the wrong crowd.

Do not let the prominent kids dictate your life. Do not let them push you into a relationship. Decline the offer to go out with that guy very politely but firmly. Again, do not seek out unwanted attention. You will find a true friend along the way. Someone worth hanging onto (No, I don't mean to be all emotionally clingy with). Don't let others influence your perspective of them. These others do not know the person for who they are. Do not let the others sew seeds of contempt in your heart or doubt in your mind. You are fully capable of deriving your own conclusions. Always look beyond what you see on the surface for as you know, one should never judge a book by its cover. In fact, one should not be judging at all, for with the measure you judge you will be judged also. Treasure those who are real with you. Handle their heart with care.

Stand by your beliefs. Do not compromise yourself for you will certainly regret this. Keep yourself above reproach. Watch your speech and your behaviour. How you regard others. Learn to respect even those you are inclined to dislike. Do not let fear cause you to develop prejudices. Give your fears to God. Let Him deal with the areas that make you uncomfortable. Also, be careful of what you let enter your mind and heart. Be cautious of what you read, watch and listen to. Do not let yourself be fed with lies. Remember, deception is often subtle. Ask God for discernment. Depend on Him in every circumstance.

Your attention will be increasingly drawn to articles about rape and abuse to women and children. Issues concerning the disrespect of females or the crushing of the human spirit will bother you tremendously. This is alright. God is simply planting a tiny fragment of His heartbeat in you, but He doesn't mean for you to become afraid of the world. Do not let this burden overwhelm you and cause you to hate God. Do not turn against Him with blame. Do not let these issues cause you to resent men. Do not sin in your anger. If left unchecked, a rage will build up but it will not be righteous. Do not play the words of the articles over and over in your head. Do not let the images haunt and taunt you. Talk to your family about these issues and how they are impacting you.

You are not the only one who detests what is going on out there. You are not the only one who is disgusted by such acts of perversion and violence. You are not the only one who wants pain and suffering to end. It may seem like God is not in control. It may seem like God is taking His own sweet time to respond. But trust Him. He can be trusted. Don't doubt His goodness. He has much to take into consideration. Much to work through. It may seem like what He's doing is not good enough but that is simply not true. Let Him move in His perfect timing

Live a pure life. Consider your emotions but do not let them rule you. Ask God for wisdom and be a woman of integrity. Choose for yourself the ministries you want to be involved in. Do not simply serve to meet the expectations of people. Do not serve to gain recognition, praise or thanks. Know that God is your greatest cheerleader but also let Him become your best friend, Father and Lord. Your love for Him will flow out, through acts of service that will be like second nature to you. These acts will not be forced. You do not want to survive in church under structure. You do not want to be playing the part of the good little Christian girl. You want to be real in your faith. God wants you to be real with Him.

Take your time to connect with Him, to enjoy the relationship. Do not lose your sense of wonder and mystery. Scepticism is often masked as maturity. Do not be fooled. The fool draws his own conclusions from limited personal experience without consulting God. God does not follow human logic and reasoning. He has a great sense of humour too. Discover this for yourself. Go for walks with God. Sit with Him on the park bench and do not let the male stranger frazzle you. Be assertive. God is your protector. Though it seems like He may not always be there because He didn't rescue the women and children before they were violated, He is. He is your shield. One day you will find out why He doesn't always intervene the way you expect Him to, being a God of love. Just don't let this cause you to be displeased with Him.

Do not blame yourself or let others call you stupid and overly trustworthy when someone hurts you. God is your redeemer. He will justify you. He will make it all alright. You need not fear of what others can do to you. God is in you and He is greater than everyone and everything. Let God take your hurts. Let His perfect love drive out all fear and anxiety. Do not worry about your safety. He will take care of you very well. He will look after every single detail of your life if you let Him. God is for you, not against you. You are His beloved. Held precious and beautiful in His eyes.

It seems early still. A long time before you have to decide which way to go in life. So far you have just had to go with the flow. But remember, you are not a puppet. God has given you the power and ability to make choices for your life. Don't just take the back seat and let others decide your destiny. Partner with God. Seek Him for the meaning, vision and plans for your life. His plans are the ones that will bring fulfillment. Everything else will pale in comparison.

Consider taking a media and communications course at university. And maybe design. Like graphic design or something. You will enjoy this far more than Accounting (which totally sucks by your books even though others may like it), Business (which really is too generic and you won't remember a single thing) or Information Technology (trust me, computer programming is not for you). You don't have to be in the medical field or be a lawyer or some high flying finance person to be successful in life. God's standards differ from but supercede society's standards.

Consider taking up a photography course on the side. Or writing classes. Or cooking classes. Or all for that matter. Plan your time wisely. Ditch the stupid television programs. Oh, join kickboxing or self defence. Something fun that will help boost your energy levels because I know how much you loathe exercise. Get your stamina up. Mix things around. If you only ever swim, you'll turn into a blimp once you stop and it'll be much harder to slim back down again. Running is good so start and maintain this. Just get proper shoes for your flat feet so your back and knees don't sustain any damage. Take up driving early on. Get your parents to teach you.

Spend more time with your family overall. Go kite flying and fishing with Pa. Curl up with Mum to read stories together. Learn the songs she used to sing to you at bedtime. Affirm her because she deserves it. Take plenty of photographs while on vacation and write about your travels in a journal. Learn how to ride a bicycle and to roller blade and ice skate.

Laugh. Learn to laugh at yourself. Don't beat yourself up every time you think you've made a mistake or made a fool of yourself. There is no need to be painfully self conscious. Face life bravely each day. Wake up with a smile and embrace the opportunity to explore what is out there. Be grateful you are alive. Never, never contemplate suicide. Never.

As for friends right now, Alysia is definitely a keeper. Protect this friendship. Do not let others look down on her or mistreat her. Tell her to be a chef. She has a unique talent for that and she'll love it.

There will be many other things to ponder along the way. Many little bits and pieces in between. But if you get your relationship with God and family right at this point, you're set for life. You will make mistakes but learn from them. Do not be ashamed. Do not berate and hate yourself. Cherish who and what you have. Learn to appreciate the person you see in the mirror. Smile at her and tell her she is valuable. Tell your family you love them. Tell them everyday. And say it so they know you mean it. Loving them also means listening to them and being submissive. Let God deal with your pride. Your parents have sacrificed so much to give you the life you have. Never ever take them for granted. Appreciate them everyday. Appreciate your friends, even the ones you find irritating. Do not be jealous when your mum pays more attention to a particular friend. There is good reason for her reaching out to said friend.

That's pretty much all I have to say. Oh, but in case you're wondering, God will bring that special someone. Just don't get all antsy and jump at the first invitation for a relationship. Always, always get to know someone properly. Friendship first and foremost. You want to be with someone you can relate with. Also, conduct yourself well at all times.

From: Your older self