For me Mother's day is always a bit tough. My memories of my mother are very limited and a lot not the greatest. I once asked my dad if my Mom wanted kids and he said absolutely. I find that difficult to sometimes see in my mother. I wanted kids for sure and I know my kids feel that love and need and want within me. When I look at my Mom today at 84 it is hard to recognize her spirit. She is without a lot of memory left and is truly not happy in her almost paralyzed state.
In happier times when I was growing up it seemed like my Dad was the more fun one. He was the sugar daddy. He worked hard and played hard and gave my sister and me lots of things. He was a fixer and if we needed something done we went to him. My Mom was the enforcer, the non playful one, the no nonsense person in our family. She was so bright yet such a 50's mom. She played the dutiful wife for many years even though I feel she stagnated inside. She was a fashionista and dressed me to the nines. The outfits were glorious but unfortunately wasted on me who had no sense of fashion or desire. Homework was tedious as my mother ripped up pages and told me to do it again as it was not to my best ability. I grew up angry with her and upset that she was not fun and I think looking back not happy. My dad was a womanizer and as much as she loved him she hated him as well. There was no abuse, there was no violence there was just looking back a sadness about my Mom. When she was 40 she started a business and she was happy, finally. She was successful and busy with her own thing. As I had kids she was a loving grandparent but in a different sort of non hugging way non tender way. My dad maintained his fun and his influence as he was the grandfather that all adored. My Mom was in the shadows. Now it is too late to have those talks that settle up before one dies as my mother is lost within herself most days. She has lost any affect and drifts in our conversations. I, have heard more I love you's from her in this state than I ever remember as a child. I will say my sister's memories are very different. She was three years younger and had health issues as a child and she remembers a very caring Mom who always looked after her needs. I must say also my memory for childhood is missing a lot of pieces and have given up trying to find them. I know I felt loved and happy as a child but only after I married at 19 did I find things wanting from my mother and it has continued until this day. I can't get back what I think I have missed and every mother's day this comes up to me as I try to be to my kids all I felt my Mom wasn't to me. I think we both loved each other the best way we good then and now.