Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Laura Molina on August 10, 2011 at 2:35pm

Evan Vander’s face immediately beguiled others, but it took time, vulnerability and external circumstances for the fascination to affect Angel as well.

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Permalink Reply by Jayme Whitfield on August 11, 2011 at 11:20pm

While I can't say there is anything wrong with this sentence, I feel like I would need the next line in order to decide if I were interested enough to read further.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Molina on August 12, 2011 at 7:34am

Over the years, she must have heard or read that dozens of his admirers said he was handsome but when she first met him, she did not notice.

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Permalink Reply by Wendy Roberts on August 12, 2011 at 8:09am

I'm also struggling to pinpoint what about this sentence trips me up.  I had to read through it a few times, and I'm still confused about what precisely Angel thinks about Evan.  "time, vulnerability, and external circumstances" are vague ideas that confuse me, but don't tell me in what way Evan is beguiling...or not.  I guess instead of hinting at what Angel does NOT see...I wonder what DOES she see?  Can you paint a picture for the reader of Evan through Angel's eyes?  Is his apparent handsomeness even worth mentioning in sentence #1 if she doesn't notice?  Just some things to think about :)

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Permalink Reply by Laura Molina on August 12, 2011 at 9:00am

I am still working on my entry. Before this revision, it read:

Angel Chávez never stopped thinking about Evan Vander.

People remembered Evan as a handsome man. Over the years, she must have heard or read that dozens of his admirers said he was handsome, but when Angel first met him, she did not notice. Evan's face immediately beguiled others, but it took time, vulnerability and external circumstances for the fascination to affect her as well. 

 

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Permalink Reply by Andrea Heiberg on August 15, 2011 at 1:54pm

I have no problem with the way you use the word "handsome." In your description I see no "showing/telling" conflict here because you use a third person view. I'd say this works great for a romance story.

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Permalink Reply by Stacy Mantle on August 23, 2011 at 10:31am

I think I like your original version better. Maybe you could do something that sets up a conflict faster (this is just off the top of my head, and since I don't know anything about Evan, its hard to come up with an example. But...):

Some people called him athletic. Others, mostly women, called him handsome. Evan Vander didn't rightly care what he was called - as ego had never been his problem.

Money, on the other hand, was a different issue...

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Permalink Reply by Wendy Roberts on August 15, 2011 at 1:41pm

Yes!  See if you can show "handsome" without actually using that word.  Handsome, as you've hinted at in your opening, is a subjective quality, and not everyone agrees what it is.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Molina on August 15, 2011 at 3:51pm

I see where opening lines can be out of context. "Handsome" is used subjectively here. The first 2 lines serve as part of an opening soliloquy for the protagonist before the first scene in the first chapter. It continues with her regrets about being "beguiled" by someone who is less than genuine and had questionable intentions when they first met.

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Permalink Reply by Sheila Path McMahon on August 15, 2011 at 4:28pm

Drop the 'as well."

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Permalink Reply by Laura Molina on August 16, 2011 at 9:29am

THANKS (so obvious, no?)

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Permalink Reply by Bridget Straub on August 10, 2011 at 2:55pm

    Staring down at the pictures that have arrived anonymously in the mail on this hot August afternoon, I am not sure what to make of them.

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