"Hey, Connie,
Thanks for your comment on my new blog. I responded, but honestly I have no idea if that means you get the response automatically or if you have to visit again and chance upon it! :) Thanks for the friendship!"
Opening Lines
What is the first sentence of your work-in-progress? Post it here, and get feedback from your fellow She Writers about whether your opening line leaves them wanting more. And don't forget to take some time to read other writers' first words, too.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Laura Molina on -
Evan Vander’s face immediately beguiled others, but it took time, vulnerability and external circumstances for the fascination to affect Angel as well.
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Permalink Reply by Jayme Whitfield on -
While I can't say there is anything wrong with this sentence, I feel like I would need the next line in order to decide if I were interested enough to read further.
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Permalink Reply by Laura Molina on
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Over the years, she must have heard or read that dozens of his admirers said he was handsome but when she first met him, she did not notice.
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Permalink Reply by Courtney Crow Wyrtzen on -
Taking your first lines and then this second, it seems like they generally say the same thing. I like the simplicity of this one. Beguile[d] is a harsh tense for what could be a great sexually charged word! What about beguiling? Then save 'beguiling' (a word I LOVE!) for a few sentances in.
What I hear you trying to say is, Evan may have drawn other women in with his looks but Angel wasn't that easy to reel in (she would become vulnerable later). If I don't get caught up on vocabulary then I can wonder (and admire) why this gal is impervious to his charms and what happens to circumvent her resolve.
I would keep reading!
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Trimboli Roberts on -
I'm also struggling to pinpoint what about this sentence trips me up. I had to read through it a few times, and I'm still confused about what precisely Angel thinks about Evan. "time, vulnerability, and external circumstances" are vague ideas that confuse me, but don't tell me in what way Evan is beguiling...or not. I guess instead of hinting at what Angel does NOT see...I wonder what DOES she see? Can you paint a picture for the reader of Evan through Angel's eyes? Is his apparent handsomeness even worth mentioning in sentence #1 if she doesn't notice? Just some things to think about :)
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Permalink Reply by Laura Molina on
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I am still working on my entry. Before this revision, it read:
Angel Chávez never stopped thinking about Evan Vander.
People remembered Evan as a handsome man. Over the years, she must have heard or read that dozens of his admirers said he was handsome, but when Angel first met him, she did not notice. Evan's face immediately beguiled others, but it took time, vulnerability and external circumstances for the fascination to affect her as well.
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Permalink Reply by Andrea Heiberg on
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I have no problem with the way you use the word "handsome." In your description I see no "showing/telling" conflict here because you use a third person view. I'd say this works great for a romance story.
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Permalink Reply by Stacy Mantle on -
I think I like your original version better. Maybe you could do something that sets up a conflict faster (this is just off the top of my head, and since I don't know anything about Evan, its hard to come up with an example. But...):
Some people called him athletic. Others, mostly women, called him handsome. Evan Vander didn't rightly care what he was called - as ego had never been his problem.
Money, on the other hand, was a different issue...
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Permalink Reply by Cathy Kozak on -
@ Laura Molina - if the reader is shown some specific, tangible, beguiling characteristic about Evan's face - the light in his eyes, his quick smile or expression or the angle of his jaw, etc etc - rather than being told his face is beguiling (abstract), the sentence will read punchier and with more immediacy. Show don't tell, especially in the first lines.
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Trimboli Roberts on
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Yes! See if you can show "handsome" without actually using that word. Handsome, as you've hinted at in your opening, is a subjective quality, and not everyone agrees what it is.
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Permalink Reply by Laura Molina on
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I see where opening lines can be out of context. "Handsome" is used subjectively here. The first 2 lines serve as part of an opening soliloquy for the protagonist before the first scene in the first chapter. It continues with her regrets about being "beguiled" by someone who is less than genuine and had questionable intentions when they first met.
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Permalink Reply by Sheila Path McMahon on -
Drop the 'as well."
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