Opening Lines

What is the first sentence of your work-in-progress? Post it here, and get feedback from your fellow She Writers about whether your opening line leaves them wanting more. And don't forget to take some time to read other writers' first words, too.

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Permalink Reply by Wendy Roberts on August 15, 2011 at 12:38pm

Agreed! ...but beware of passive voice! Can you reword the sentence to eliminate the weak verb "was"? Something like "The first time a monster attacked me, xyz... Then maybe specify how the narrator is alone that gives the reader an immediate sense of place: ...sat in an abandoned bus station, or whatever she is doing at that moment :)

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Permalink Reply by Barbara Shallue on August 15, 2011 at 12:52pm

I agree with W.T.'s suggestions - I'm hooked, but it feels passive.

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Permalink Reply by Katrina Harrmann on August 15, 2011 at 2:13pm

GREAT tips! Thanks you guys!! :)

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Permalink Reply by Beth Whitcomb on August 15, 2011 at 4:34pm

I love it. It could be funny. It could be serious. It has enough to make me read the next line to find out.

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Permalink Reply by Barbara Shallue on August 15, 2011 at 12:50pm

No place in the world is lonelier than a train station the moment you realize you’ve been forgotten.

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Mueller on August 15, 2011 at 1:19pm

This sets the tone right away. I want to read this story.

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Permalink Reply by Ruth Madison on August 15, 2011 at 4:06pm

Agreed! It conjures a familiar feeling of being forgotten, ignored, not wanted that we all experience at some point. I definitely want to know more and I already feel extremely sympathetic to this character.

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Permalink Reply by Alexandra Wright on August 24, 2011 at 12:57pm

I love it!

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Permalink Reply by Gale Martin on August 15, 2011 at 2:53pm

I eased my black Jetta, freshly washed and Quik-waxed, into a parking space half a block from the diner.

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Mueller on August 15, 2011 at 3:03pm

I like everything about this sentence, Gale: "eased into" etc. Very specific & paints a vivid image!

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Permalink Reply by Gale Martin on August 15, 2011 at 3:41pm

Thanks for the prompt feedback. A woman in my writing group, I really trust her-- told me my novel started there for her. So I chucked everything before it and started there. I'm delighted to hear it's working.

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Permalink Reply by Vicki J Sapp on August 15, 2011 at 3:36pm

“SUFFA, F-CKA!”

The sharp imperative inside the house made Tori jump and then hesitate before knocking. Her nervous system had already been bazookaed earlier when her mother had handed over the day’s plan; now it quivered before what could end up its final WMD."

I know--that "bomb"! Really unavoidable, given the plot and especially character situation here. A liability? Perhaps. But truly unavoidable, believe me . . .