Opening Lines

What is the first sentence of your work-in-progress? Post it here, and get feedback from your fellow She Writers about whether your opening line leaves them wanting more. And don't forget to take some time to read other writers' first words, too.

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Permalink Reply by Kendra L. Woods on August 18, 2011 at 7:12am

I took out the name, but maybe I should have left it in. Thanks for your feedback!

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Mueller on August 15, 2011 at 6:26pm

Neighborly - or neighbor?

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Permalink Reply by Kendra L. Woods on August 16, 2011 at 6:45am

Neighborly. But your question shows that there's confusion I need to clean up. Originally, 'neighborly' didn't exist in the sentence.

Thanks for your reply.

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Permalink Reply by Deb McLeod on August 15, 2011 at 5:01pm

There is a ritual excarnation that must be done when your mother dies; a divestiture of stories and habits peeled from your body like flesh from bone.

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Permalink Reply by Ruth Madison on August 15, 2011 at 5:14pm

It's true and intriguing. The language is pretty, but I don't know if it's serving the story or just there to be pretty. Is the whole story written with these kinds of words? Personally, it's too...um...pretentious-sounding for me to want to read, but it might appeal to a different kind of reader.

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Permalink Reply by Deb McLeod on August 15, 2011 at 7:25pm

These are the first two lines of the prologue which is written in this language but the book itself is not. Thanks for your feedback.

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Permalink Reply by Deb McLeod on August 15, 2011 at 7:26pm

Thanks!

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Permalink Reply by Gale Martin on August 15, 2011 at 5:52pm

I really responded to this. It intrigued me because of words like excarnation and divestiture combined with the image of flesh peeled from bone. I'm in!

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Permalink Reply by Deb McLeod on August 15, 2011 at 7:26pm

Thank you for this. So nice to get the encouragement.

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Mueller on August 15, 2011 at 6:28pm

"Excarnation" stops me. I want to know why.

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Permalink Reply by Deb McLeod on August 15, 2011 at 7:26pm

Thanks for your feedback.

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Permalink Reply by Kendra L. Woods on August 16, 2011 at 8:00am

This is a powerful image. The "excarnation" is intriguing, I agree. For me, though, it's too close to the "peeled from your body like flesh from bone" language (I love this, by the way). So, it's a repetitive image. Overall, the point you're making is such a true, deep statement. The simple language of the last part works so well; this is what makes me want to read more. On that note, I think the combination of excarnation and divestiture is a mouthful for a simpleton like me...but I think others might disagree. I always lean toward simple language.

I love the image and would be interested in reading your first line of the first chapter (since this is prologue) if you'd be willing to share.

Thanks,