"Mary M.,
These sites look awesome. Thanks for the heads up. "
Opening Lines
What is the first sentence of your work-in-progress? Post it here, and get feedback from your fellow She Writers about whether your opening line leaves them wanting more. And don't forget to take some time to read other writers' first words, too.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Vicki J Sapp on -
“SUFFA, F-CKA!”
The sharp imperative inside the house made Tori jump and then hesitate before knocking. Her nervous system had already been bazookaed earlier when her mother had handed over the day’s plan; now it quivered before what could end up its final WMD."
I know--that "bomb"! Really unavoidable, given the plot and especially character situation here. A liability? Perhaps. But truly unavoidable, believe me . . .
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Permalink Reply by Ruth Madison on -
This sentence is confusing me. I think maybe it's too many words about explosion? From the sharp voice that makes her jump to the "bazookaed" (which is a very odd word, it seems to me), to WMD. I think it might be too much.
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Permalink Reply by Ruth Madison on
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The reaction was not what Elizabeth had been hoping for.
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Permalink Reply by Nancy Mueller on -
I would change "The" to a person's name, e.g. "John's reaction" to be more specific.
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Permalink Reply by Gale Martin on -
Or maybe "his" reaction, if you're waiting to reveal who the man is. I like a little mystery. Can you change "had been hoping" to "had hoped"? Verb strings don't have a lot sex appeal, IMHO. The fewer verbs in a row, the better.
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Permalink Reply by Ruth Madison on
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It's her parents, would it be better to say that?
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Permalink Reply by Nancy Mueller on
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To hold onto the mystery a little longer, how about saying "Their reaction?"
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Permalink Reply by Ruth Madison on
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That sounds good to me. Thanks!
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Permalink Reply by Kendra L. Woods on -
The day our realtor stuck the sign in the front yard, I prepared myself for the onslaught of neighborly inquiries.
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Permalink Reply by Ruth Madison on
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Gets right to the story, something happening. I wonder if there's a way to make it more surprising...?
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Permalink Reply by Kendra L. Woods on
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...or exciting? I agree. Problem is, this narrator is a fan of short sentences and the first line rule hurts. Up for breaking the rules? Here's another way I could start it:
We had to get out of town before the news spread like my neighbor's legs after her divorce. The second I got off the phone, I logged on with intent to shut down the blog. How far had it gone? Maybe only a handful of characters had read it. Then I pulled up the site stats. Oh $hit. A hundred and fifty-seven hits over the last two days.
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Permalink Reply by Josephine Banks on -
I'm intrigued, I'd definitely keep reading! The 'news spread' line made me laugh, but I'd love to see a name instead of 'my neighbor'. ;)
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