"Congratulations! This is amazing! I will definitely check it out :)"
Opening Lines
What is the first sentence of your work-in-progress? Post it here, and get feedback from your fellow She Writers about whether your opening line leaves them wanting more. And don't forget to take some time to read other writers' first words, too.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Deb McLeod on -
You are exactly right about the repetitive image. Not sure it worked so thanks for your feedback. I've gotten mixed comments on it. Of course I'll share! Thanks for asking.
The book itself starts with an epigraph (from me - not a quote):
Narcissus was fascinated with his image in the pond, and Echo,
perhaps Echo was not fascinated with Narcissus, but with his visibility.My name is Laura but my mother often called me Ro – the name of her younger sister.
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Permalink Reply by Kendra L. Woods on -
Deb,
They tell you not to start with the "my name is", but it works for me in your case. I'd read on. It raises questions.
As for an epigraph, I usually skip over it knowing I won't fully understand it until I get into the meat of the story. In the beginning, epigraphs belong to the author. At the end, they belong to the story and the reader. Although, I did ponder yours - because it created curiousity. I liked it. And I like the idea of myths shaping real life. Overall, I think epigraphs should be at the end when you wish it wouldn't end...when you're looking for something to ponder and stick with you. Just personal opinion.
So, you had me at "peeled from your body like flesh from bone" and wanting more with the 1st line of the 1st chapter.
Hope I helped. Again, you hooked me. Thanks for sharing. Write on,
K
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Permalink Reply by Deb McLeod on
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There's nothing I like more than challenging writing rules and making it work. I do appreciate the encouragement - so yes you helped. Thanks!
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Permalink Reply by Ellen Estilai on -
I like this very much, Deb. The sequence of "excarnation," (such a strange and intriguing word) "divestiture" and "peeling," is itself a kind of peeling away of meaning. I look forward to reading about the stories and habits. I would use a comma instead of a semi-colon.
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Permalink Reply by Deb McLeod on
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Thank you Ellen. I learned about excarnation on a Black Mother spirituality tour of Sardegna a few years ago. In prehistoric times, after death, bodies were placed outside so sacred birds could peel the flesh from bone and release the soul. Then the bones were buried in dolmens or womb-tombs. There are still some tribes in Tibet, I believe, that continue the excarnation practice.
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Permalink Reply by Jessica Cooper on -
You can't be too careful when you're playing with someone's dreams. More importantly, someone's mind.
(I'm not sure if I'm supposed to include this, but...)
Taken from REM, a YA sci-fi/psychological thriller about a group of boarding school students who discover a machine that can record their dreams and allow them to watch them while they are awake. Their experiment brings on extraordinary results and dire consequences.
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Permalink Reply by Samantha CJ Hemmerich on -
How about "......someone's dreams or more importantly someone's mind."
Otherwise it's a very intriguing premise for a YA book.
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Permalink Reply by Jessica Cooper on
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Thank you! I have it in two sentences mostly because my protag's voice is like that throughout the book. I like to use fragments. A lot. ;-)
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Permalink Reply by Samantha CJ Hemmerich on
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@Jessica Cooper: I do the same, but I'm learning to write the first draft just as it flows out of me, then I let it sit for awhile. After a few weeks I go back, reread, then start linking the sentences so that they flow even better, not so choppy. What's important is to not edit yourself when you're in the zone, just write, don't interrupt yourself and lose your line of thought. Keep going my friend.
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Permalink Reply by Amy Sue Nathan on -
Standing barefoot on the front step of our B Street row house when I was fifteen, I watched the boys on my block play stickball and my toes froze and prickled as if I’d dipped them into a bucket of ice cubes. It was July.
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Permalink Reply by Josephine Banks on -
1st line in ANGEL KEMORY:
A gust of wind followed by a thump and crash jolted Millie from her late-night cross stitching.
1st line in SYDNEY'S SPACESHIP:
Ma signed me out of Oak Tree Institution in March, and just like the last time my shrink told her it was too soon.
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Permalink Reply by Samantha CJ Hemmerich on
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Like both opening lines.
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