Opening Lines

What is the first sentence of your work-in-progress? Post it here, and get feedback from your fellow She Writers about whether your opening line leaves them wanting more. And don't forget to take some time to read other writers' first words, too.

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Permalink Reply by Natalie Boyd on August 12, 2011 at 10:40pm

Everything bleeds when you cut it open. Even the trees with their sap, even dams with their water.

Even me.

(Yeah, I know. I cheated; that's 3 sentences.) :)

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Permalink Reply by Natalie Boyd on August 14, 2011 at 7:25am

I like! Especially the second and third sentences--I almost want to start there. :)

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Permalink Reply by Natalie Boyd on August 14, 2011 at 6:23pm

It was intended for you, and I really like it rearranged like that--it just seems to have more punch.

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Permalink Reply by Natalie Boyd on August 14, 2011 at 7:24am

Thanks! :)

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Permalink Reply by Iris Jones-Simantel on August 13, 2011 at 10:50am

Does it need all the "evens"? I tried it without the evens and I liked it a lot more, - it has more punch.

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Permalink Reply by Natalie Boyd on August 14, 2011 at 7:22am

Thanks--I'll try it without. There's a specific reason why I need the third "even," (ie, it needs to read "even me"), but the first two can be cut. I'll try it that way.

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Permalink Reply by Kristen Taber on August 26, 2011 at 11:18am

Personally, I like it with the "evens". It's a case where the repetition is chilling, adding punch. But everyone prefers different styles, of course :)

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Permalink Reply by Andrea Heiberg on August 13, 2011 at 1:15pm

For Natalie

I like this. Only it sounds like a poem and I wonder how you can use this for a platform to open your story. Anyway, I'm curious - and would like to read more. In fact I kind of must see your next line.

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Permalink Reply by Natalie Boyd on August 14, 2011 at 7:24am

Oh, well, if you must: ;)

The sound of my blood, thick in my veins, is the only sound I can hear when I first awake.

(The line after that makes clear she's waking from a coma, not from sleep.)

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Permalink Reply by Natalie Boyd on August 14, 2011 at 6:26pm

Thanks--I do my best to pull people against their wills! :D

And, since you asked, the next few lines:

Slowly, though, the world around me stirs, and my ears take it in. The sound of blood pushing its way through my body—that sound like molasses moving through a tree or lava snaking its way down a mountain path—is interrupted by electronic chirping. And then other sounds: sneakers on vinyl floor, the whisper of clothing, conversations muffled by wall and glass.

The hospital around me moves, and the only thing that moves within me is my blood.

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Permalink Reply by Kristen Taber on August 26, 2011 at 11:20am

I love this too. My only thought is you could do without "that sound" if you wanted. It trips up the sentence (for me), and it works as "The sound of blood pushing its way through my body—like molasses moving through a tree or lava snaking its way down a mountain path—is interrupted by electronic chirping"