Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Alexandra Wright on August 31, 2011 at 4:33pm

The sentence is kind of awkwardly worded but I do like the imagery it evokes.

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Permalink Reply by Perri on August 27, 2011 at 8:09pm

 

 

The first time he died, Roger “Zorro” Weitz slipped in a bathtub at the Downtowner Motel, bashed his head against the side of the toilet and passed out.

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Permalink Reply by Ellen Estilai on August 27, 2011 at 8:20pm

Perri, this is really intriguing.  Now I want to know about this and the other death(s), why he's called Zorro, and what he's doing in what must be a fleabag hotel.  Well done!

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Permalink Reply by Alexandra Wright on August 31, 2011 at 4:34pm

I really agree, it is full of some tantalizing clues as to what the story is about and I really want to know all about Zorro and how he has died multiple times.

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Permalink Reply by Catherine McNamara on August 30, 2011 at 4:17am

'An old friend of mine named Jean Harper fell through a tear in her marriage and landed on her feet.'

 

first line of my soon-to-be-published women's commercial novel The Divorced Lady's Companion to Living in Italy.

 

Any views? ciao catherine

 

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Permalink Reply by Barbara Shallue on August 30, 2011 at 5:08am

I love the imagery of this. I want to know more about her - she's obviously a tough lady! And readers will want to know more about the 'tear' and  how she landed on her feet.

How about jumping right to the action with "Jean Harper fell through a tear in her marriage and landed on her feet." Maybe in the next sentence you could work in the 'old friend of mine' bit.

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Permalink Reply by Catherine McNamara on August 30, 2011 at 5:33am

Thanks for your comment Barbara. The next sentence takes off quite quickly : 'Jean met a solicitor from Milan on a singles trekking tour in Peru and packed her bags one autumn.'

The first paragraph describes her swift departure, new life, and how a neighbourhood of women have begun to yearn after her. In particular the narrator, who has just been dumped and looks to Jean as a beacon.

Classic story, I know, but our gal ends up in Italy having quite a wild time in a middle-aged sort of way.

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Permalink Reply by Maria Granovsky on August 30, 2011 at 9:45am

“Behold the lioness in winter,” I said, trying to sound neutral but probably dripping venom as I gestured at a tiny old woman gingerly descending the Federal courthouse steps. 

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Permalink Reply by Alexandra Wright on August 31, 2011 at 4:37pm

I like it, Most of the time I think of tiny old women in a good way so I want to know why your narrator has such extreme negative feelings towards the old woman

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Permalink Reply by Maria Granovsky on September 1, 2011 at 7:09am

Thank you, Alexandra. Here's the first paragraph, which shows the narrator's extent of nebative feelings even further:

 

“Behold the lioness in winter,” I said, trying to sound neutral but probably dripping venom as I gestured at a tiny old woman gingerly descending the Federal courthouse steps.  Despite her age, and advanced osteoporosis evidenced by her extreme stooping, the ancient bitch wore a stylish pink Chanel suit with a short skirt, and a gaudy shade of red lipstick noticeable even from where I was standing.  From experience, having seen her up close, I knew that lipstick was bleeding into the deep crevices around her mouth, an oddly satisfying thing to remember.

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Permalink Reply by Alexandra Wright on September 1, 2011 at 5:52pm

Wow, your narrator really can't stand her!

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Permalink Reply by Maria Granovsky on September 1, 2011 at 6:28pm

Well, my narrator is many things, but subtle isn't one of them. By design. :)

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