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Permalink Reply by Stacy Mantle on August 23, 2011 at 10:22am

It was 5:48 pm on a Wednesday when Trey Haskin had his throat torn out.

The death was only significant because it was the fourth one in as many days. My department only got the call because of the way in which the guy was killed. I only cared because now I had to stand in the shadows of a rapidly darkening alley waiting on a creature that may or may not ever show up.

This is my life: a twisted version of the Butterfly Effect.

---

That's the first few lines of my novel, "Shepherd's Moon."

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Permalink Reply by Deepa Agarwal on August 23, 2011 at 11:21pm

I like this because it plunges straight into the story. The 'Butterfly Effect', whatever it be, is intriguing and arouses curiosity. I would go on reading:)

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Permalink Reply by Deepa Agarwal on August 23, 2011 at 11:24pm

Here are the first new lines of my work-in-progress:

 

The girl would never forget that day. Neither would the priest, nor the boy. The other girls whispered about it for the short space of a few waking hours till their memories expunged it, inexplicably.  They would, however, remain conscious of a gap, a missing space like the one left by a tree that topples over in a storm and is immediately plundered for its wood.

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Permalink Reply by Vera L. Cobbs on August 24, 2011 at 5:03am

I would keep reading because I really would like to know what happened that they will never forget...what's causing a gap that big.

 

I like :)

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Permalink Reply by Vera L. Cobbs on August 24, 2011 at 5:01am

Hello all. Here are the opening lines of my work in progress:

It’s 7:50 am and just like clockwork there he is leaving his apartment. I’ve been stalking him every day for the past two weeks timing his movements, memorizing his schedule and with uncanny punctuality he emerges…Donovahn Smith. He has looks me in the eye every morning, smiling and politely saying hello. It amazes me that he has no idea who I am, although he has haunted my memories daily for 32 years.

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Permalink Reply by Alexandra Wright on August 24, 2011 at 2:28pm

Ooo I really like this. I totally want to read on. I think the first sentence can be more succinct. The word "there" kind of trips up the first sentence, though.

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Permalink Reply by Vera L. Cobbs on August 25, 2011 at 3:41pm

Thanks Alexandra, I will see if I can figure out how to rework the first sentence so that it isn't tripped up.

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Permalink Reply by Vera L. Cobbs on August 25, 2011 at 3:44pm

Hi Courtney,

Thank you for your feedback. That's the affect I was going for and yes I did catch the typo...it's correct in my actual manuscript (he has looked)

Thanks again,

Vera

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Permalink Reply by Kristen Taber on August 25, 2011 at 7:18am

I agree this sets up an intriguing conflict. As others stated, it needs some trimming, but also mind your commas. You're missing some (before "timing" is one). Once it's properly edited, though, this is a wonderful intro.

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Permalink Reply by Vera L. Cobbs on August 25, 2011 at 3:48pm

Hi Kristen,

Thanks for the feedback as well as for the grammatical correction. I missed that, but as you stated I haven't reached the editing stage yet. I'm glad that you enjoyed the intro.

 

Vera

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Permalink Reply by Alexandra Wright on August 24, 2011 at 2:24pm

There is a peculiar little town that is nestled in the valley of one of the great mountain ranges in the United States; this town is quite accurately named Strange and each inhabitant is more peculiar than the last.

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Permalink Reply by Kristen Taber on August 25, 2011 at 6:17am

I like this, but I would avoid using peculiar twice. You could also eliminate "little", "that is", and "quite accurately", making the sentence more succinct. Just my two cents.

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