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Permalink Reply by Samantha Carlin on November 30, 2011 at 11:44am

Love this! Why? 1) Immediately we're set in a time -- summer 2) We know the narrator is telling a story about the past ("I was eight years old" and 3) the narrator is unique and has some sense of a perspective in the world, the outside world, that your typical eight year old doesn't have: "I wanted to be an Arab."

 

Also, it gets me wondering not only who the narrator is, but about his or her family, friends, country she/he is living in. There's a lot there in a few words. Nice work!

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Permalink Reply by Ellen Estilai on November 30, 2011 at 12:30pm

Thank you, Samantha!  This is the prologue to a memoir about my years in Iran.  I'm so glad you liked it.

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Permalink Reply by Samantha Carlin on November 30, 2011 at 12:33pm

You're welcome! You earned it by writing that sentence. :-)

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Permalink Reply by Rosalie Morales Kearns on August 11, 2011 at 9:51am

For those with ears to hear, voices of long-dead monks still lingered at St. Anthony of Padua’s, resonating off the stone walls and gathering like mist under the dome.

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Permalink Reply by Malena Lott on August 11, 2011 at 4:20pm

Pretty language. Same meaning, but shortened for impact:

The voices of long-dead monks still lingered at St. Anthony of Padua’s, resonating off the stone walls and gathering like mist under the dome.

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Permalink Reply by Rosalie Morales Kearns on August 14, 2011 at 9:41am

Thanks, Malena and Iris. I'm trying also to establish tone and pattern: both the distance of the omniscient narrator, and the main character's habit of quoting, and sometimes deliberately misquoting, biblical phrases. Granted, I don't have to do ALL that in one opening sentence . . .

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Permalink Reply by Iris Jones-Simantel on August 13, 2011 at 10:32am

I agree with Malena

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Mueller on August 15, 2011 at 6:13am

I also agree with Malena's feedback.

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Permalink Reply by Cathy Kozak on August 15, 2011 at 9:30am

Lovely imagery and language. The story question needs to be stronger, I don't have a sense of what it is or might be. And I don't have a sense of who is sharing this information, or why it matters. I think the POV needs to be closer, more intimate; as it reads now it sounds like a distanced, omniscient narrator, which would be okay for an essay, but not for a work of fiction. 'For those with ears to hear' seems to be the culprit.

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer O. on August 11, 2011 at 11:11am

I met him the fall of my senior year in high school, with all the appropriate elements of the Sturm and Drang.

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Permalink Reply by Tamara on August 11, 2011 at 11:09pm

I have to confess: I had to Google 'Sturm and Drang' so this sentence didn't do a lot for me, but that doesn't mean it won't be effective for your target audience.

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Permalink Reply by Jennifer O. on August 12, 2011 at 3:15am

After I posted yesterday, I realized that the current order of my chapters isn't going to work. Will repost my first line soon.

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