Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Barbara Shallue on October 10, 2011 at 1:01pm

No, I don't think you need to tell us more. I think perhaps drag out J's reaction, more description maybe? Like "His fingers froze over the keypad. Turning, he search my eyes for a second, then turned back to the computer screen and continued working. 'I just did.'

I don't know - would something like that work or am I off track?

 

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Permalink Reply by Pooja Pillai on October 6, 2011 at 7:56pm

Thanks Barbara! That's very encouraging!

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Permalink Reply by Gail M. Dottin on October 10, 2011 at 12:57pm

I don't normally cry over the presence of mannequins but when I saw this one the tears rose.

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Permalink Reply by Barbara Shallue on October 10, 2011 at 1:04pm

Very intriguing!

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Permalink Reply by Kalyn Healey on October 24, 2011 at 5:11pm

Whoever said your life flashes before your eyes before you die had it wrong.

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Permalink Reply by Kalyn Healey on November 4, 2011 at 11:45am

Thanks! I had actually edited it to just that since I posted this. Glad you think it works better this way.

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Permalink Reply by LuAnn Braley on November 1, 2011 at 2:13pm

"Do you have any questions for me," the interviewer asked Carol.

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Permalink Reply by LuAnn Braley on November 3, 2011 at 7:16pm

@Courtney 

 

“Yes,” she responded, “and it’s probably one you have not heard before…where is this place exactly?

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Permalink Reply by LuAnn Braley on November 3, 2011 at 8:59pm

Thanks for your help, Courtney,  I appreciate it immensely.  And I agree, it sounds better with Carol's question first.

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Permalink Reply by Vera Hendon on November 3, 2011 at 10:00am

I knew when I sat down on the front porch step my chance for freedom would be over if he woke up. My mind is racing so fast I can’t even capture my thoughts long enough to focus on what I need to do next. My heart keeps pounding as I try to dispel what I know is true because I can’t go on holding unto to something that’s simply not there anymore. I am completely hopeless and giving in or giving up would be easier if I could do it knowing he wouldn’t get my kids. I’ve wrestled with ways to leave so they could be with me, but with no education, no savings and no one to help me…I would fail.  It’s come down to my life or his and I have to find the courage to fight back. I have to end this before he kills me.

 

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Permalink Reply by Eloise Currie on November 4, 2011 at 8:01am

Hi Vera,

I'm wondering if you need all of the modifiers you have. Maybe removing 'front' and leaving just 'porch step', removing 'even' before 'capture', 'my' after 'capture', 'I need' before 'to do next'.  I think it would add yet more punch because it gets the reader through it faster:

I have to end this before he kills me. I knew when I sat down on the porch step my chance for freedom would be over if he woke up. My mind is racing so fast I can’t capture thoughts long enough to focus on what to do next.

Just a thought.

Eloise

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Permalink Reply by DelRica Jackson on November 5, 2011 at 11:02am

I read the other comments first.  I like it the way it is because it sets a pace and forces you to slow down and think through what's happening.  The suggested changes will make it seem like every other "woman getting away from a man" story.  I like it your way.  It's different.

You may want to look at word choice though.  While I like "dispel," would an uneducated woman use that word?  Since it seems written from her point of view, use the same language she'd use if she were telling the story and not you telling it for her.  Just a thought.

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