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Opening Lines
What is the first sentence of your work-in-progress? Post it here, and get feedback from your fellow She Writers about whether your opening line leaves them wanting more. And don't forget to take some time to read other writers' first words, too.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Roberts on -
Yikes! That's an attention-grabber. I wonder if including both "my son" and "Jake" slows it down a bit, though. Perhaps the son's name can be clarifed in one of the next few sentances, now that the reader's attention is fully with you. Well done--I'd still read on regardless.
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Permalink Reply by Caryl on -
My inner editor was wondering that, too. Thanks for your input! I think you're right.
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Permalink Reply by Natalie Boyd on -
Totally agree. It's such a powerful opening, and the addition of the name "Jake" slows it down.
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Permalink Reply by Jane R. Snyder on -
I'm dying to know what led to this, but I don't think you need both "my son" and "Jake" together. Holding back one choice for later might add more mystery and ramp up the reader's curiosity. Is knowing what their relationship is right away the real key here or will that have more impact if you just use Jake's name in your first line? Powerful!
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Permalink Reply by Caryl on
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I thought it would be more powerful if the reader knows it's her son. I'd love to know what you all think. By the way, this is a memoir. Does that make a difference?
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Roberts on
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I agree--the fact that it's her son makes it so powerful.
For me, memoir/fiction doesn't make a difference here.
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Permalink Reply by Rosalie Morales Kearns on -
I too would read on, regardless. But you might consider rephrasing either "myself" or "my son" so you don't have the inadvertent rhyme they create by their juxtaposition. Also, to my ear, "asked me" seems to add too many syllables. "How would you like it if I committed suicide?" Jake said. I'm not against long sentences in general, but this situation packs such a punch, it seems like the shorter the better.
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Permalink Reply by Caryl on
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I would rather not rewrite it because it's a quote. He was asking my opinion because I would be the one to find his body.
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Permalink Reply by Rosalie Morales Kearns on
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Sorry, I thought it was a work of fiction. Of course you shouldn't rewrite a real person's exact words.
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Permalink Reply by Caryl on
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I've got the first line nailed down now, thanks to you all:
"How would you like me to kill myself?" my son, asked me.
But I have a punctuation question. I know there's usually a comma inside the quotation mark (myself," my son asked me.) But it's a question, so I need the question mark. Anyone know the proper punctuation?
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Permalink Reply by Rosalie Morales Kearns on
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I can help you with this--worked as a copyeditor for years and had to practically memorize the Chicago Manual of Style. No need for comma when you have the question mark. The way you have it here is fine.
But you do need to delete the comma after "son": "son asked" not "son, asked."
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