After teaching for 35 years, I thought I could find a new peaceful life in retirement where I would write or rewrite all of the pieces I had started over the years, but... and there is always a but. I moved South so I would not have to work and could live comfortably out of my retirement.This worked for a few years, but sometimes I too need a lifeline, not just financially, but also emotionally. This is from my blog Blue Notes. It was written several years ago. This was when I thought I knew what I was going to be doing for the rest of life. However, now I have decided that I don't know and maybe I should get back in the race.
"Yesterday was my birthday. Thank you, I am still here. Grateful for a lot of reasons. Knowing that it is His Mercy and Grace that has kept me, I am most grateful.
Today my daughter and I were talking about "stuff" and we started talking about her father and his new wife. It is a May-December marriage and we were wondering how she liked going away with his parents for the week-end. What does a 40 year old have in common with a group where the youngest is 60 and the oldest is 86???
Later I started musing...about how I now feel at 60 looking at men who are 60ish+ and what I see are "old" men...and I suddenly remember my little friend who was 80ish, but such fun. She would often tell me that she and her husband were now members of the "pat and chat" club. I didn't quite comprehend that until now. It seems that the men that I meet now are very nice but...they seem to have resigned themselves to the "patting and chatting" crew.
I know there's a big gap between May and December but what happens when it's April and June? Hmmmm?? I don't want a young one, no conversation, no similar interests, and an older one ...ditto.
I guess it all depends on how you define it. Is it snuggling, holding hands, knee tag, kissing, etc??
Well, girls we've got our memories
of wilder times when they could play
So slow your road
Be glad they're willing to try
Despite diabetes,poor vision, prostate, bad hearts and cholestrol
Hooray for determination
So smile ladies and remember past deliberations
I hope you habe a door for your box with a good solid lock. and windows with plexiglas. You could thicken the walls with paper mache. I thought of going into the medical billing and coding to get a job. My house is paid for but the taxes are killing me. And the medical bills. And the loss of health. My glaucoma makes it hard to see what I write attimes. I think uits the drops. I see a future but not the goal ditected driven one I had when I could walk. So it has been a process of letting go and redefining myself. Who knew getting older was like people said it could be.?> I am only 60 but find it harder to see what I can dream of for the future.
I understand the turmoil and depressive state you are in. Cancer is nobody's friend. Having survived three bouts and dealing with a husband who is terminal with a rare form of cancer. Breaking bones is easier when young and so is surgery. I spent four months healing from a hysterectomy with massive complication like my heart stopping a couple of times. Two years healing after a ruptured achille's tendon. I'm just a very few years younger than you.
The first thing you have to realize is that you are in control of NOTHING! Life is a roller coaster with it's ups and downs...even at our age. With that thought in mind, you wake every morning, do what needs to be done (write, paint, housework), you smile at little achievements and hoop and holler at the big ones, and you live each day to the fullest with no regrets. Each day you wake up is a blessing no matter what happens. Tomorrow there will be a new set of problems, issues, joys, and revelations.
My personal finances are comfortable but not cushy...my bills get paid even if it means borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I have never been independently wealthy and honestly don't want to be. I deal with fibromyalgia every single day, but each day no matter how painful, I get up say my prayers and do what needs to be done. Not to mention all the other stuff that comes to women our age. I pour all the strife into writing and it helps. At the end of the day I do not forget to thank God for all my blessings and maintain my focus on blessings.