Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by joanna on January 2, 2010 at 3:18pm

I did have a hard time with this until I realized (with help from my very supportive husband) that writing is my job, my dream, my life and I need and deserve to have time to do it just as much as I would if I was working a 40-hour office job that I loved. If I wasn't able to write I would go INSANE and who wants an insane mother/wife? My eldest is in 1st grade and I have put my little one in pre-school a few mornings a week so I can work. He is happy there and has much more fun than he would with a mom who was distracted by both the essay in her head and the dishes. No, I don't make any money *yet* but I'm working on my dream and that is more important than money (within reason, of course).

You said "why even bother making that time for myself if I can't get anything more published?"... but how will you get anything published if you don't have time to write anything or market yourself?? Believe you and your dreams are important enough and things will happen for you! I invite you to read this blog post...

Good luck!
joanna

Permalink Reply by Anjali Enjeti on January 2, 2010 at 3:28pm

Hi Joanna,

Thank you for your response -- and I loved your blog post. I wrote something very similar on my blog a few days ago!

I've been writing for about 7.5 years now, and I guess I'd hoped to be a little more published. So I guess that's part of my guilt in seeking childcare -- if I had just a little more going on with the writing, I think I won't feel so bad about paying for childcare so that I can write. My husband has been wonderfully supported, too. But I feel so torn. I'm often my harshest critique.

Best of luck to you and all your writing endeavors.

Take care,

Anjali

Permalink Reply by Susan Katz Miller on January 2, 2010 at 4:26pm

Part of what is happening here is that we are all trapped in the middle of a paradigm shift, and everyone is having trouble figuring out how to get paid for "content." Twenty-five years ago I was a highly-paid Newsweek reporter. Now I have two writing jobs (my blog onbeingboth.com, and a column for a beloved but struggling local newspaper takoma.com) that pay nothing. Yes, my two kids had something to do with this bizarre career path, but I also know single men who are underemployed writers at the moment.

Now that my kids are teens, I know how important it is that they see me as a writer, and not just as a mom. Think of it as an investment in their ethical and social development. And once in a while, I take a paid writing assignment, even if it's something dry and not as compelling as my own essays, in order to justify my expenses and be able to tell the family I'm earning something.

All of this will get easier each year, as the kids get older. Hang in there.

Sue

Permalink Reply by Catherine Evans Latta on January 2, 2010 at 4:43pm

Funny, you should be worrying about this. I've always found the fiddle of a house and family an easy excuse, but in the end (I'm a grandmother now) I know I'm better off writing. My husband may say,"you haven't been writing lately. You're cranky." and I admit to fiddling about. "Please do," he says, "you are much better company when you write." So, I've learned to ask myself what really needs doing, what can be delegated, eliminated or put off. It's amazing how long that list can be. Many small essential tasks fit between the necessary breaks from the desk. Don't volunteer to freely give your time away. People will get used to your saying, "that's my writing time." Besides, you can think about your writing anywhere, watching kids soccer and even in the dentist's chair.

I've been paid (columnist) and not. I've been to workshops and now have sworn off for a while. Each has it's time and place. It's the writing, the honing and the loving of the process that is the thing and finally just telling yourself by telling others that you are a writer. Painters, I think, have it easier. There is something colorful to show. A page or two isn't interesting on the wall. Just ignore that last remark--I saw Kerouac's pages for sale at an international art fair. Who knows!

Catherine Evans Latta

Permalink Reply by Anjali Enjeti on January 2, 2010 at 6:51pm

Hi Catherine,

Thank you so much for your response!

I'm quite good at putting off things that can be put off -- but at the end of the day, my 3 kids are too young for me to put them off too much. (My one-year old can propel herself just about every piece of furniture in the house in the few seconds I'm in the bathroom.) My husband, thankfully, does more than his fair share, but unfortunately, his hours can be very long.

I'm trying to remember the big picture -- that in 4 years I'll have all three kids in school full time. But until then, I think I'm going to have to get over the guilt of paying for childcare to maintain my writing time.

Take care and best of luck with your writing endeavors.

Anjali

Permalink Reply by Natalie Snapp on January 2, 2010 at 10:56pm

Hi, Anjali! I would say that writing is most definitely a career that doesn't always provide immediate rewards. I think you just have to remember that you are setting the stage now for what you will be doing in five years. Every little bit helps - what you do now will contribute to a possibly larger income later.

Keep plugging along - I also have three very young children and just sneak it in when I can. It's a season and just look at it as you are preparing for a season in the future! Good luck!

Permalink Reply by Anna Marie Fosser on January 4, 2010 at 5:45pm

Anjali,

You have managed to write what I've felt for some time now. I too have three little ones at home (5, 3, and 4 months). When I gave up working to raise my kids it was a relief, as I was ready for a change from a job that I'd begun to hate, where I worked too many hours for not enough pay. So staying at home with the kids has been a wonderful change of pace. When I first left my job I felt disenfranchised, and found it difficult answering the "what do you do?" questions.

I now love answering that I'm at home with my three kids, and am very glad we can afford for me to be without income. Though as the years come closer to the time all the kids will be in school, I find myself asking what I'll do "when I grow up". I see those other moms out there that have jobs,or are bringing in income selling Pampered Chef or Simply Gourmet, or creating wares to sell at craft fares, and long for a direction of my own.

I have finally come to the realization that now is the time to work on my writing. To take the leap for something I've always wanted to do. And though I know I can't hang my hat on the idea that it'll absolutely pay our bills, I hold the hope that maybe if I put in the time and effort, and get things built up, there may be a possibility that I can justify staying home and writing by the time the kids are all school aged, rather than having to go out and beat the pavement with a dusty resume.

I too struggle with the though of spending money on something that is currently a drain on finances. And though I do debate it back and forth in my own mind, I try to remind myself to look at it as an investment in myself. Doing a workshop, buying books on writing, even (or most especially) getting a babysitter provide a break from Mommyhood and help rejuvinate my energy for the time I do spend with the family.

As for getting published, and making a paying career out of writing...well, I'm still working on figuring that out, since I'm currently unpublished. For now...I'm a writer, by virtue of the mere fact that I write. The more I write, the more committed I am to writing as a career, a vocation, a way of life. And I hope the rest will follow suit, since as a mother I'm not sure the guilt ever goes away...if I don't feel guilty about that, eventually I'll feel guilty about something else...and for now I'm teaching my children that if you have a dream you shouldn't push it aside but take it up and make what you can with it.

Good luck!

Permalink Reply by Anjali Enjeti on January 4, 2010 at 7:26pm

Thank you Anna. I feel exactly the same way!

Take care and best of luck to your writing adventures!

Permalink Reply by Lanita Andrews on January 5, 2010 at 12:33pm

I don’t think anyone can answer this question for another, as each individual and each family is different.

REGARDING THE FINANCIAL ASPECT OF THIS DILEMA: I think to begin with, you need to look at this from another perspective. Writing is a business, and with any business, there are risks involved. What If your husband came to you and said “Honey, We have managed to put aside ($fill in the blank$) in savings and I think it’s time for me to follow my dream and open a (fill in the blank) business. I’m unfulfilled where I am, I’ve longed to make the change, and we are now in a position to attempt it.”
-If you knew that, although your family would not go hungry, there would be sacrifices of money and time, without any assurance that this new business would thrive, would you support him? Would you appreciate the value of seeing him have a chance at achieving his dream? Would you value the knowledge that your children would grow up not just hearing, but seeing in real life that dreams are worth sacrificing for?
-Another thing to remember is, with any business, you need to have a plan. Have you outlined specific goals with time frames as you would with any other business you would attempt? Have you had a serious dialogue with your ‘silent partner’ (aka husband) in this business, letting him know your expectations and hearing his own? If you haven’t, do so. You may find that he is far more supportive and willing to make sacrifices then you realize, relieving a huge part of your burden.

REGARDING THE EMOTIONAL ASPECT OF THIS DILEMA:This is far more complicated and again I think it comes down to your own personal answers to several questions:
-Are you the type of parent who thrives in her role as SAHM; do you find it fulfilling, or are you more fulfilled when you are working? (note: I’m talking about how you feel and thrive, not your children)
Is being a working-mom something you can accept and be at peace with?
-Do you think your children will thrive better at home with you (the parent) when you are writing and giving them only a minimal amount of attention, or do you think they would thrive better receiving the full attention of a caring, but non-parent adult (nanny, babysitter, daycare) during your writing-time?
-How do these decisions affect your actual writing and behavior? (Do you have trouble focusing? Is your guilt hindering your creative output? Are you frustrated and irritable/impatient with your family when you do not have enough time to write?)

It’s really a decision each mom has to make for herself, with the input of your silent partner of course. The one thing that I think is valid for every mom (or Dad) in this situation is routine and consitancy; without it, the instability can cause a great deal of chaos and frustration among all members of the family and that isn’t good for anyone.

Hope that helps!

Permalink Reply by Anjali Enjeti on January 5, 2010 at 1:14pm

Lanita,

You have me pegged. Thank you for such an insightful and helpful response. When I answer the questions you pose, everything points to me absolute need for childcare so I can write.

Thanks again and take care,

Anjali

Permalink Reply by Adriana Ryan on January 8, 2010 at 11:01am

Hi Anjali,

I don't think you should feel guilty about the fact that you've been writing for 7.5 years with little to show in the way of financial compensation. You're still building your voice and honing your craft. Not to mention, writing to the point of financial success often takes sooo long!

The main thing to remember, I think, is that writing probably makes you feel really fulfilled. If you did not write, and were a full-time SAHM, would you be happier? Would your family? I know if I gave up writing, I'd be extremely unhappy, and as a result, so would my family.

Good luck with your writing career - hang in there, and I think success will find you and you it!