I love this too!
thank-you Sara :) That is really invaluable feedback!
This is form one currently in cold storage, awaiting a descion about its fate:
'Our dear sister here departed ..."
Who's sister has departed? Sylvia wanted to ask. Where has she gone, did my mother go with her?
I've been trying for several years to rewrite the first chapter of the first novel of a trilogy I'm working on (finished in draft form) and I think I finally have it. How's this for an opening paragraph?
Roi Laian jerked upright on the interface lounge. “Oh, no,” he gasped aloud. “He can’t be that stupid. The Council can’t. Is he trying to start a revolution?”
Hey that's good! Good job! I like it. :)
At this point, I have changed the beginning chapter of my YA novel BAITED umpteen times. Here are the current first lines. Would love to know what you think.
The plan to escape my life had nothing to do with my dateless existence or my ability to read people’s intentions (the art of knowing the only boy who’d asked me to the junior prom, was trying to make his ex-girlfriend jealous). These were realities I’d learned to live with.
What I couldn’t live with, I thought, nervously tapping my nail bitten fingers against the steering wheel, was the paranoia…and the guilt.
Doesn't work for me -- too long. The sentence up to the parentheses is gripping but then I had to put too much effort into following. Can you break it up? Or set it up in a more parallel construction, as my mind was instinctively seeking?
The plan to escape my life had nothing to do with my dateless existence or my ability to read people’s intentions. Instead, it had to do with ...