Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sarah Pinneo on March 22, 2011 at 4:47pm

This has made great strides.  

I think you could stop before the sentence "Jake's revenge is..."  Just end the first part of the query with the discovery of the gene therapy gone wrong.  The "Jake's revenge" sentence is too long, and it also contains a couple of cliches.

In fact, I challenge you to scrub for cliches.  "Wracked with murder" stands out.  Also, I can't quite get past "reeling on the edge of suicide."  It would feel cleaner if you chose between "reeling" and "on the edge of suicide."  

I read thrillers, I enjoy them.  But every thriller writer and reader knows how easy it is for the genre to tilt towards cliche.  Don't give an agent any reason to suspect that your MS is cliched.  Does that make sense?  A query for genre fiction--especially smart genre fiction--has to beware the evils of cliche.

By the way--your sentence about "non-linear..." breaks some query rules.  But I feel it's really working for you here! 

I don't mind "Autotherapy" as the title.  I think it sounds better alone.  (So sorry to be the confusing voice of dissent!  See?  You can never please everybody...)

S.

Permalink Reply by Sakina Murdock on March 24, 2011 at 2:20pm

Wow, thanks, Sarah and ouch! Cliches? Oh no! I tried so hard and honestly, I thought I made up "wracked with murder" :) It goes to show how these things permeate your very being. I agree about the "reeling" sentence. I think I was playing with a tramlines / train track analogy (I work in a mental health service & it seems to me that people with suicide ideation seem to balance along a mental rail with limited focus), so my mental image is of Jake balancing wildly on a metal rail. (I'm not a mental health professional, by the way).

Scrub for cliches, :D ha. Oh dear. Stand by for further improvement :)

I don't mind Death the Great Healer as a subtitle, but the sentence with the book title is now unwieldy and I don't like it, so thanks for the voice of dissent.

Thanks again. That was helpful.

Permalink Reply by Robert Edward Fahey on April 10, 2011 at 8:39am

Good point about the cliche thing. I don't happen to read thrillers because I expect them to be genre, poorly-written, and cliche-riddled, like Dean Koontz. But I would love to feel that rush of adrenaline if I knew there were books out there that could offer that same thrill, but with some sophisitication.

So you're right; some of us do go in expecting cliches, so our query letters should not suggest that this book is just another one of those.

Permalink Reply by Robert Edward Fahey on April 10, 2011 at 8:32am

This one's nice, too. "Removed" strikes me as a weak verb that you used twice in close proximity to communicate stressful actions. "Jake's revenge is given opportunity by the need to stop .." might be a little fuzzy and not quite as dramatic and powerful as you might be going for.

"... condition spreads. He faces ..." - Maybe break into separate sentences unless you are trying to communicate that he must stop the contagion because otherwise it might force to him to stand next to a caver! 

But this letter, too, is succinct and powerful. A real grabber.

Good show.

 

Permalink Reply by Candy Fite on March 24, 2011 at 6:57am

Hello Sakina! Your novel sounds thrilling! Reading over your latest version, I would leave out the part entering Doc. End the sentence about Jake's revenge at "condition spreads". If it were me, I'd also leave out the small graph:

 "But others yet seek the truth. Two sinister detectives interview the hostile investigation team. Through the tangled truths and lies, they gradually close in on the lone survivor of the original experiment."

Again, for me, it isn't necessary. I think you have enough here without introducing any more characters or plot. Just my opinion!:))

Best of luck, and I like that you've decided to include some bio, and I also think it IS relevant info!

Permalink Reply by Michelle Gwynn Jones on March 24, 2011 at 9:24am

I agree with Candy

You said somewhere earlier in this thread that you didn't think you were suppose to leave the agent hanging...but you are suppose to.  This is the give an agent a taste for the story.  It is in the synopsis where you have to tell the whole story, no cliffhangers.

Permalink Reply by Stacey Donovan on March 24, 2011 at 4:24pm

Sakina, personal response:

 

I would be curious about a book with the title Autotherapy, but lose interest at the subtitle Death the Great Healer. 

Permalink Reply by Sakina Murdock on March 24, 2011 at 5:13pm

Thanks, Stacey, I appreciate it.

Permalink Reply by Sakina Murdock on March 24, 2011 at 5:25pm

Hopefully the final effort (with thanks to all) *said the optimist*:

In the moody fells of the north, a small Cumbrian community is devastated by murder. The townsfolk of Crackenby Dene are being picked off, their throats cut, necks broken and blood removed. Detective Inspector Jake Campbell knows only what he doesn’t know: who, why and how.

Then his wife and newborn child join the victims.

Removed from the case and plummeting towards suicide, he is recruited on to an informal investigation by Ruby Harper, a nosy photographer with a suspicious knack for being in the right place at the right time. Their enquiries direct them to a disastrous early experiment in gene therapy: super-healing soldiers with a craving for blood.  

In this non-linear thriller, the detective isn’t the hero, the hero is a killer, the killers are victims and the villains are as good as dead. Complete at 85,000 words, AUTOTHERAPY explores the theme of healing on both emotional and physical planes. In doing so, it considers the ultimate cure. Never mind the great leveller, Death is the great healer.

I obtained my honours degree in English & Communication Arts from the University of Huddersfield in 1999 and settled back down into small town Cumbria nine years later.

I am seeking your representation for my first novel because I feel it strikes a resonance with Blood Harvest by S.J. Bolton in both style and setting.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Permalink Reply by Stacey Donovan on March 24, 2011 at 6:04pm

Sakina, nice.

 

Anything to lose at this juncture would be: "Complete..." (...At 85,000 words)

 

and: "In doing so, it considers the ultimate cure."

 

To add: "...strikes a resonance with YOUR TITLE, Blood Harvest..."

 

and revise finish to read only: "Thank you for your consideration."

 

good luck- sounds like a killer! 

Permalink Reply by Sakina Murdock on March 26, 2011 at 4:22am

Thanks, Stacey, changes made - still in synopsis hell, so not sending yet, but SOON!!! :)

Permalink Reply by Nancy Hinchliff on March 24, 2011 at 6:14pm

Good job! much better.

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