Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Diane Turner on January 10, 2011 at 3:50pm

Hi Dawn,

Well, your story got my attention immediately. I was with you. Love the interesting juxtaposition of scenes. Just a couple of things you could think about omitting to tighten it up.This is only my humble opinion at first reading.

 

Para 1 Ln 2, think about leaving out: I thought. It's immediate. No time to think.

Why would she assume murder rather than accident? He was an athlete - yes? My question.

Para 4 Ln 1, think about leaving out: once again.

Why was his hand trembling or was it hers? My question.

At the bottom of Pg 1, think about using another adjective in addition to or instead of vivid to describe the dream - something like gruesome or the like. Seeing a body would probably illicit a fairly strong gut reaction.

At that same spot, rather than: I thought, perhaps a stronger declaration, maybe: My mind reeled or I felt faint or dizzy, to get the heart-pumping reaction you're looking for here.

On Pg 2 Para 4, maybe omit: I don't want to be bothered and begin with something like: Leave me alone. Everyone, just leave me alone. Why was everyone...  And again omit: I thought. It's stronger without it; more declarative.

Pg 2 Para 6, maybe: intrusive (or probing) voices, even my own. Says the same thing but in fewer words.

Pg 2 Para 7, think about leaving out: trying to coax me out of my cocoon and just begin with the last part of that sentence.

Pg 2 last paragraph, you might leave out: I decided and begin with: I peeked through...who was speaking.

Think about leaving out: My assumption was correct. Just leave it as: It was Ms. Graves.

 

A lot of possibilities with this story - interesting and well written. Thanks for sharing.

Diane

 

 

 

Permalink Reply by Charlotte Watson Sherman on January 10, 2011 at 4:17pm

Hi, I just looked at the 1st paragraph and had a few questions about grounding us in the setting a bit more, cutting some words/phrases to heighten the tension. One of the blessings in my life lately was a friend's suggestion to use The Synonym Finder -- I'm passing it on to every other writer I communicate with.  Good luck!

Attachments:

• Chapter 1 feedback 1st paragraph.doc, 27 KB

Permalink Reply by Robert Edward Fahey on January 10, 2011 at 4:37pm

I'm afraid you lost me early on when your body parts kept doing strange and awkward things. You started off by thrusting your eyes forward. This almost grossed me out, like one would have to pop them out to do that. Then you refused to take them from the scene (What; you just left them lying there?) Your breath itself was frightened, whether or not you as a whole person may have been. You had a face that taunted you and desire that you couldn't contain (so where did that desire go, then, once it got outside you?) I am playing with you, or course, because you do communicate what you meant, for the most part, but you might want to tighten and refine how you say it for even more clarity.

Some of these moments I may not even have noticed had I not had my critiquing hat on (there is nothing wrong with a taunting face; and I could even understand, at least metaphorically, how it could SEEM like desire is something that can not be contained, rather than actions that may grow out of that desire). But you may also have focussed unwanted and unnecessary attention on them by smashing up against such disturbingly aggressive body parts with moments of passivity where you were trying to communicate action. You stepped forward TO RECEIVE a better view. A body WAS SATURATED WITH blood (And by the bye, was it actually saturated with it, or covered by it? Human flesh is not all that porous. Maybe its CLOTHES were saturated.) A whole football field disappeared from your eye's path. Now THAT would have been something to watch [after you thrust them forward, ONE of your eyes (since you made this possessive singular) just wandered off on its own? And then a football field got up and moved out of its way?]! You really do have something here; you do have a story to tell, but you might want to rethink those verbs.

And some parts I just did not understand: "He, no doubt, felt I reacted to what I'd witnessed between Casey and him a moment ago.

I was not.

My reaction was at witnessing his body broken, bleeding, and lying on the field that had garnered him star status at our school. (The field itself had done that, or had his actions on it?" / Do you have reactions AT something, or TO it?)

So it may sound like I have a lot of different challenges to offer, but they all share certain patterns. Specifically, I would enjoy the story telling even more than I already do if you gave more thought to communicating who or what was performing each action, what that action actually was, and how aggressively or passively she or it was doing so.

Hope these suggestions don't land too harshly, but if you are seeking publication, you might want to consider such matters before professional editors start tearing into your baby. It may sound like I'm taking a lot of ugly lashes at you but it is really just multiple examples of very few specific suggestions.

Hope this helps once the original OWWey subsides.

Permalink Reply by Dawn Brazil on January 10, 2011 at 7:27pm

Thanks everyone for responding so quickly. It is great to get feedback - a little alarming too - but great. Thanks for all the comments, some of which I'd already implemented - great minds think a like. Not that all the comments weren't helpful but Robert made suggestions for things that I hadn't thought about. I will have to scour my novel for these disconnects - literal body part disconnects. I'd read it before but did not think about it when revising. Thanks for the great link Charlotte and your suggestions, and thanks Diane for your comments also, very helpful. It's difficult to see some of the errors in your own work - I keep hearing it but maybe after a couple manuscrits under me, I'll be better at recognizing them for myself.

Permalink Reply by Robert Edward Fahey on January 10, 2011 at 9:00pm

Perhaps this can be seen as a good thing. If your characters and scenes become so real to you that you can't step away from them and feel as though you are seeing them for the first time, then maybe they are real enough to invite friends in for the first time (fully realizing that others won't see your intimate friends the way you do).

Each book gets better, but we are always, ALWAYS learning.

Permalink Reply by Suanne Schafer on January 8, 2012 at 1:01am

        Dear Dawn, a good start. The main problems I see are not getting us situated in the scene and some tense and past/future shifts that are hard to follow.

   Thrust suddenly into the light, my eyes took a moment to focus (Focus on what?) If you are on a football field, how can you be thrust suddenly into the light?How were you thrust? Did someone thrust you? Did you jog? Walk?  I took a reluctant step forward. I wanted to be certain about (cut about) what I saw. A body on the ground, I thought. (Cut the thought attribution) It was saturated in blood, unmoving on the field of grass, and lying in the most unnatural position.  Bring in other senses to heighten the suspense. The sickly smell of dark venous blood? the flies buzzing on the red pool of solidifying blood?The whitened skin drained of his face, drained of its usual healthy athletic glow.

            This person was dead. I’d never seen a dead body before. I’d never seen a dead body before, but I knew he was dead? My breath caught in my throat, too frightened to escape. I could not contain (suppress?) the desire to move closer, to receive a (for a better view?)better view. The familiar face taunted me with no words (wordlessly?) . It’s (tense shift) Zack, my boyfriend. He’s (tense shift) dead. Who would want to kill him? (tense shift)  I thought? (You may not need thought attributions here)                                                                                    I fell (sank? Something more dramatic?) to the ground not far from his body (right next to his body gives more of a sense of urgency) Waves of shock and grief flooded me. Yet, (Frightened, horrified) I refused to take my eyes from the scene . Not really looking at the whole scene are you? Just the body, the broken, battered, bloody body?                                                                                   

Suddenly, the football field disappeared from my eye’s path.  It may be better to express this more as your mind playing tricks on you, like I felt suddenly woozy, dizzy. The football field disappeared as my mind was took me back to when…set the scene, let us know more about what is going on. Once again, I stood in the school holding Zack’s trembling hand. I yanked my hand away from his grasp, shocked. Bewildered. He, no doubt, felt I reacted to what I’d witnessed between Casey and him a moment ago. Why is Zack’s hand trembling?

            I was not.            

            My reaction was at witnessing his body broken, bleeding and lying on the field that had garnered him star status at our school.  (This is difficult to read and figure out because things jump around in sequence. You’re holding Zack’s hand, which is trembling for some reason. Should this be your hand? If you’re in the past holding his hand, why are you reacting in that time to his broken body which is in the future?)                                                                                    He had been dead. How can he be here next to me now?  (tense shift)  It wasn’t real, I thought. It was a vivid dream…it wasn’t real.  (You switched back to the future here)                                                                                                            I backed away slowly, hoping he wouldn’t pursue me. He did not give chase, he stood and watched. Casey stood motionless by his side, eyes wide. Again, this is sequentially hard to figure out. It might be easier on your reader if you

            I raced into Ms. Springer’s first period class, off the main corridor of the school, bumped two of my classmates and knocked their books from their hands in my haste. I took my seat, third row, fourth down.                                                                                                  I didn’t dare look at anyone; I didn’t want to touch anyone else; I didn't want to see any more. What kind of a freak was I? I placed my head on my desk, filled with trepidation and thoughts of the heavy locked doors of an insane asylum.

            “Chloe, Chloe…?”

            I don’t want to be bothered. Why can’t they leave me alone? (tense shift)  Why was everyone always in everyone else’s business? If I wanted to go crazy today, then (Cut then) that’s my prerogative. One (bizarre?) vision shouldn’t make you crazy though. Right. Even if it was gruesome, I thought. All I wanted was for everyone to leave me alone, to get through some semblance of a normal rest-of-the day, without another incident.

            “Chloe, what’s the matter with you,” Jennifer Riley asked. She stood with her hands on her hips, waiting for my response. I looked up at her, lost for words. What could I say? I was a smart girl so I knew what I saw wasn’t rational.                                                             I buried my head in my folded arms to drown out the voices intruding on me at once, even my own.

            A moment later, I heard another voice, “Chloe, please answer,” she asked, trying to coax me out of my cocoon. “Are you sick?”                                                                                     I wanted to look up, startled, but happy, to hear this particular person. I decided to peek through my folded arms to ascertain who spoke to me. Anyone else and I wasn’t talking. My assumption was correct: it was Ms. Graves, the school nurse. I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

             

 

Permalink Reply by Jules Carey on January 11, 2011 at 11:06am

Here's what I got for you. I did this before I read any of the other comments so I'm sorry if there are duplicates. Good luck to ya. Wouldn't mind reading it again when you are done.

Attachments:

• Chapter1forCrit.CC.doc, 30 KB

Permalink Reply by Dawn Brazil on January 11, 2011 at 11:34am

Thanks so much Jules. I totally appreciate it! You can never have too many eyes on your work. Everyone always points out at least one thing the other critiquers missed.

Permalink Reply by Jules Carey on January 11, 2011 at 11:42am

I totally agree! It has been difficult working on my own and those I let read my stuff are too nice (they aren't writers) so I can never get the right kind of feedback.

 

I like this place. :)

Permalink Reply by Jackie Branagan on January 11, 2011 at 2:36pm

Not only does it work, it is fascinating. One question - did you purposefully have every "was" in brownish red?

Permalink Reply by Dawn Brazil on January 11, 2011 at 3:10pm

Thanks!!! I'm trying to make it as exciting throughout as possible since its intended audience are teens. I try to delete "was" from my manuscript as much as possible. I started a macro to find all occurrences of it. I forgot to turn it off. Thanks for the comments.

Permalink Reply by Andrea Ramon Eller on January 22, 2012 at 2:27pm

I have only one comment, and that's about the first six words. "Thrust into the light, my eyes..." This construction is saying that your eyes (rather than you) were thrust into the light. "My eyes took a moment to focus in the bright light," or "Thrust into the bright light, I had trouble focusing...." is clearer, although you might do better. (Notice in the second option, after the word light is "I"....