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Permalink Reply by Annie Phillips on June 26, 2012 at 7:59am

Some thoughts from me, for what they're worth—please see 'comment boxes' in the attachment.  A disclaimer:  I don’t write (or read) YA, or adult paranormal for that matter.

Some overall impressions:

• I liked the idea of starting the story with a bit of sleight-of-hand--the werewolf who's really a little girl jumping out at the girl who's really a werewolf.  I think you can clean it up adn make it even more effective--some suggestions in the attachment.  Even though (as you'll see) I suggested using Chapter 3 as a Prologue, I think the little girl episode is a nice touch.  Is it original?  Of course not; nothing is.  But done well, it can work.
• Tension's important, and after giving us a bit of tension in the first couple paragraphs, you keep that up by showing us the tension between Monday and her half-sister Jyotsna.  Good.  A little romance too.
• Having said that, I don't think all that much actually happens in the first 2 chapters.  Things don't really start moving till Monday turns into a wolf and gets her leg caught in a trap.  You can cut out much of the first 2 chapters and get there sooner.  The bit about the goth girls.  The brief appearance of Jericho (why do we need to meet him now?)  The cast of characters at the ‘meeting’—too many names.  Get to the crucial event quicker.
• If you must use bizarre names, at least try to pick ones that generate normal sounding nicknames.  Eg, Jericho can become Jerry.  Jobexngthschkhq can be ‘Jo’ for short.  Tomcurdlebloodydeath can be Tom.
• Overall, you need to polish this by making the language fresh and spontaneous sounding.  You’ve shown you can do this:  ‘blush-worthy’ and ‘triple-word score’ work.  But right next to these you’ve got a clunky phrase like, ‘Monday felt her face heat.’  Bring everything—and I mean everything—up to the level you’ve shown yourself capable of.
• In summary: polish and shorten.  Thanks for the opportunity to comment; I know it’s not easy to show your work.

Attachments:

• moondayfirstthreechapters.docx, 28 KB