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My 10 New Ground Rules for Writing in Public about the Kids
Struggling with how much to divulge, Deborah Siegel harnessed the She Writerly hive mind and came up with rules to write and live by—for now.Last week, over 50 of you responded Friday’s post, “Do We Overshare When We Write about Our Kids?”, and a bunch more when the post was reposted on the homepage at BlogHer ("When the Writer Becomes a Mommy"), prompting a dialogue and debate that we could continue having here for months (and please, seriously, let’s!). Among my favorite comments, however, was this one from Lisa Preston: “There seems to be a contingent that's saying, ‘My experience with motherhood can help other mothers.’ To me, that's quite valid. But it feels selfish, a bit whiny to say, ‘I'm a writer.’ Almost as if we can't help but put them into print. Are we immortalizing them or ourselves?”
At the same time as your comments cumulated, a heated exchange took place at The Wall Street Journal, one in which Erica Jong spoke out against attachment parenting ("Mother Madness") and her daughter, Molly Jong-Fast, subsequently wrote about being written about by her mom as a kid ("Growing Up with Ma Jong"). Suffice it to say, talking about how writers who are mothers do it, why they do it, and how their kids feel about how and why they do it, is in.
While I’ve struggled with the narcissism from the get go (see “Through the Maternal Looking Glass”), I share the modus operandi voiced by Jane Roper, now working on a book for St. Martin’s about the first three years of raising her twins: writing about these little people will be an integral part of my raising them. As someone who writes to make sense of the world, and who is an utter novice at raising kids, there is no other parenting principle of which I’m more certain than this. It takes a writerly village, and I’m determined to learn from ours, She Writes, as I begin.
A few quick caveats: The question of how we write about our kids is not, as Barbara Fischkin notes, “a one-size-fits-all question.” Different rules (no rules, perhaps) apply for private writing. These are simply my rules for writing in public. Ok, here we go:
1. I shalt not refer to my children by their given names. (I’m leaning toward “Baby Girl” and “Baby Boy” for now, though I like the way Rita Arens refers, sometimes wryly and sometimes sweetly, to hers as “the little angel”, the way Veronica Arreola calls hers “the kid,” and the way Ilie Ruby dubs them “kiddos”)
2. I shalt not post pictures of their faces. (Many of you did, then felt “sick” when you saw the clip or post later on and resolved not to do it again. I’m taking your cue.)
3. There shalt be topics that are off limits. (I sense I’ll know them when I see them—topics that would obviously embarrass them later. I’ll try to imagine them reading what I’ve written as adults, and try hard to save us all exhorbitant family therapy bills.)
4. I shalt try to write about life from my perspective, not theirs. (Writes the wise Linda Lowen, “I try hard not to write about things that they've told me about their lives; instead, I focus on experiences I share with them.”)
5. Similarly, I shalt not write in a way that assumes I know their inner truths.
6. As soon as they’re old enough to comprehend that mommy is a writer, I shalt read them what I’ve written before I publish, just as I’ve done with my husband and parents. My children shalt have veto power.
7. As shalt my husband. He shalt help me keep my ethics in check and be my second pair of eyes.
8. Since I’m a trained cultural critic/researcher first and only more recently a blogger/essay writer, I shalt often be writing about culture and context, referring to anecdotes about my kids in the service of a larger, cultural point (Judith Warner and Peggy Orenstein are so my writer/mother heroines here).
9. Except when I’m not making a larger cultural point. In those cases, I shalt probably be writing about my kids because I’ve decided to reveal something honest or embarrassing or conflicted about myself.
10. Lastly, stealing a page from wise Erika Schickel, I shalt always regard my children as my beloveds first, material second.
So there we go. My starter set of rules. As Hope Edelman assures me, my rules will change. “I imagine that your thoughts about it will morph and evolve over time as your children grow and start having opinions of their own,” she wrote. Nancy Rappaport calls this “an evolving journey of protection, privacy and our need to write about what we care about most.”
Thank you, She Writers, for your wisdom. I'm off to write a post.
RELATED LINKS:
Mother Writer! (the She Writes group)
Comment
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Comment by Cindy La Ferle on November 13, 2010 at 6:56am -
Great tips -- I agree with most all of them, and I love that we are all continuing to have this conversation. Just as you noted in your post, the blog comments that resonated most with me were Lisa Preston's "Who are we immortalizing....?"
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Comment by MDTaz on November 13, 2010 at 1:38am -
I have been blogging about my children for nearly two years, with pseudonyms and the rare pictures of them that are included are usually shot from behind. On a few occasions, I've written a post and then opted not to publish it, knowing that it crosses a line. I probably do cross the line occasionally, though I try to make the blog more about me and my reactions to motherhood. If anything I probably put them in a better light than I do when writing in my private journal.
My daughters know that I write about them and often I invite them to read the posts (they are 7 and 9, so not spending time on the internet themselves without my supervision) and they are (for now) tickled to have stories that they know are about parts of their lives on line. I'm just bracing myself for the day when they start to blog, and I doubt they'll be as careful with my reputation as I try to be with theirs! Perhaps then I'll need your guidelines (they are spot on) to remind them how to write about their mother.
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Comment by caitlyn James on November 12, 2010 at 4:47pm -
Got your message, Deborah. Thanks. It'll take a couple of weeks for it to show up on my blog. I'll pop over and let everyone know when I have my list of "how not to write about your kids on your blog". I'll start off with a link to your list as the antidote. Thanks, again.
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Comment by Gwyn Nichols on November 12, 2010 at 4:27pm -
Always a challenge. In fact, many classics of children's literature were written for and/or about real children. Kipling's daughter died young, so she's immortalized by the Taffy stories without complaint, while Milne's Christopher Robin felt his name was ruined for real life, and skewered his father in his own books.
My children fascinate me, but I not only value their privacy and prefer to ask their permission, I also notice that few people care one whit about other people's children or parental discoveries. You see news anchors suddenly treating pregnancy or toddlerhood as though it's breaking news just because they're discovering it themselves, not because they have genuine expertise and wisdom to share.
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Comment by Teresa Coates on November 12, 2010 at 4:26pm -
Love the rules. My kids are 18 and (a week away from) 13 now; I started blogging about traveling to Vietnam with them four-plus years ago when they were old enough to have a say. They've had their names put out there, along with their pictures, but we've done so in the safest way possible. My daughter has had a couple of pieces published, so her name is out there anyway.
That said, I don't think I would put their names and pics out there if they were smaller. They have always had a say in it and have both written on our family blog.
My biggest quandary these days is managing the balance of expressing myself as a writer without upsetting their perspective on me as their mom. It's a strange and often difficult balance for me.
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Comment by Jane Roper on November 12, 2010 at 2:45pm -
Love the rules, and agree wholeheartedly with all of them. It's fantastic that you're thinking about all of this so carefully ahead of time. I wish I had done a bit more purposeful thinking and reflecting on how I should blog about my kids before I jumped in.
Fortunately, I think I've done OK. But I do wish I'd followed #1 and #2 (real names and face pics) when I started my blog. Or at least the names part. Too late now, alas.
Thanks for the shout-out, and good luck -- I'm looking forward to reading some of your posts!
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Comment by Laura Tully on November 12, 2010 at 2:32pm
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Thank you for this. How timely. I mentioned my son in my leadership blog today -- explaining why as the mother of a gay teen I was so touched by the story line in Glee this week. When he got home from high school this afternoon I had him take a quick look and he was fine with it.
I am going to keep your ground rules in mind as I go forward with my blog. Being a parent is an integral part of who I am as a coach and leader. It is continuing source of insight into leadership so I definitely want to write about it. But I don't want it to be a source of embarrassment for my family. My husband's my editor so he can protect himself.
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Comment by Suzie Grogan on November 12, 2010 at 2:30pm -
I have often wondered what some of the children of current mummybloggers will think of these pages of 'precious memories' their parents are storing up for them! My kids are teens now, and I do ask them before I post stuff about them. They would be so embarassed to think there was a picture of them with a nappy on their head on the world wide web!
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