"Thank you all so much for the advice. TD, I like the idea of skipping to the end. I'm going to give that a try. And Linda. Seems smart to walk away.
Thank you all. I feel a bit more encouraged.
"
Pink and Blue Diaries: The Insanely Busy Woman’s Guide to Sustaining a Writerly Life
Deborah Siegel mashes up YOUR wisdom.
One thing I've long loved about She Writes is the intergenerational breadth of its membership. My post last Friday on Book/Life fit elicited confident wisdom from women writers who have been there, done that; tentative nuggets, based on trial and error, from many of us on the road to figuring it out; and one wisely skeptical nugget from fellow She Writer and cultural commentator Katha Pollitt, who wrote:
“[M]ale writers don't write these articles about how busy they are. They don't feel guilty if they do their work. They simply claim the time and the family has to deal with it.”
To which I responded that my husband, who morphed temporarily into stay-at-home dad after he lost his job during the recession, felt guilt when I'd glance over his shoulder and find him blogging instead of looking for work. But Katha's right, he didn't write about it. I did.
Wrote Sue in another take on the gendered angle, "If we are the ‘weaker sex’ how come we are repeatedly called upon to be more inventive, more resilient and enduring?” True that. And yet here we all are, inventing, enduring, and still somehow managing to find time to write in the crevices of insanely busy lives.
How do we do it? Here are 10 pearls of wisdom culled from YOU, She Writers, from the comments on my last post. This goodness was just too damn wise to keep to myself. If others just joining our conversation have wisdom—or struggle—to add to this ever-morphing guide, please do so here or in comments on last week's post. Here we go:
1. PRIORITIZE JOY.
I can no longer have my book on the back burner....it's now front and center with an end date. So, some things need to go, some things need to stay, but in the end it's what gives me joy that has to come first. -Amy Wise
2. DEMOTE GUILT.
Kate Wilhelm: "I realized the world, everyone in it practically, will give more and more responsibility to any woman who will continue to accept it. And when the other responsibilities are too great, her responsibility to herself must go. Or she has to take a thoroughly selfish position and refuse the world, and then accept whatever guilt there is. . ." via Deborah Batterman
[I]f we don't learn to say no, our goals will be about as good as the scrap of paper they are written on. And for goodness sake, how does this make us a credible source for empowering a child? -RYCJ
3. GET UP EARLY. AND KILL YOUR TV.
I have always gotten up two hours earlier than anyone else in my home and go to bed at least one to two hours later. I have four more hours in every day, twenty-eight more hours in my week and one hundred twelve more hours in a month. It is a practice I started when very young, have always continued and never divert from unless I am sick. I never watch television, and always use the time others use for that, to read a good book. -Kathy Kise Nicholson
4. MAKE SMALL POCKETS OF TIME MATTER.
I read on the bus to and from work as I have almost an hour commute each way. Sue
[I] write on my lunch break. [I] think of story ideas on the way home and in the shower. -Jessie Burche
5. IF YOU DON’T MAKE YOUR LIVING WRITING WHAT YOU WANT (AND BELIEVE ME, MANY OF US DON’T), AND YOU HAVE THE OPTION NOT TO WORK (WHICH, ALSO, MANY OF US DON'T), WORK NONETHELESS.
Work. Sounds counterintuitive, but now I have the money to pay for writing workshops, classes, website ideas. -Jessie Burche
6. BUY FOOD THAT COOKS ITSELF. LEARN TO TOLERATE DISARRAY.
I am trying to teach my house how to clean itself, but I think it's developmentally delayed. -Jane Baskin
Stop worrying about being a lady (being from Texas it's first nature to put on makeup). Learn to swear. Follow the teakettle theory--don't let life build up. -Kay Merkel Boruff
7. KNOW THAT THE GRASS IS NOT ALWAYS GREENER.
We're not in writer's block as long as the words pour out of us. There are writers who aren't saddled with a load of life, etc., and they still don't write every day, still don't get a book written, and still don't feel good enough. -Joyce Evans-Campbell
8. TRUST THE PROCESS. LIVE YOUR STORY. IT FEEDS YOUR WORK.
Trust the process. Look around and see all of the wonderful things going right in your amazing life story. For indeed, this is the most important story that you will ever write—it is your legacy. Be Inspired. -Sharyn Jordan Hathcock
9. SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO LET GO OF THE QUEST FOR BALANCE DURING A CERTAIN CHAPTER OF LIFE.
I don't believe there is such thing as "balance" in the short term; there are the all-consuming day-to-day diaper changes, feeding, consoling, doctor visits, role-modeling, and being there 24/7. The balance comes later when the kids are old enough to be more self-sufficient. It was a wild ride for me; only now that my kids are in their tweens and teens can I begin to think about my self-actualization. -Fleur de Lys
10. ACCEPT THAT WRITING/LIFE FIT IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION.
And now, back to Katha’s point, because of course it has me thinking. Why is it that we don’t see male writers writing these kinds of posts? And what's wrong with this picture? I’d love to hear your thoughts.Every day is a new adventure in adjusting my writing/life fit. - Pamela Toler
I muddle through and muck it up, we all muddle through and muck it up at times. -Mary Keating
Image cred: willraleigh
Comment
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Comment by Elisabeth Kinsey on May 24, 2012 at 1:31pm -
I just found this, but am glad to have read it! I love the concept of writing life-fit!
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Comment by Evelyn Sharenov on March 6, 2011 at 5:52pm -
Agree completely with Pollit. She and Steinem remain role models. Why write about the process? What for? It's a time suck, unless that's the subject of your writing. Even if you must teach this to earn a living, does this have to overflow into your own writing? In terms of writing about the challenges of parenting, etc., if that's actually your subject matter, great. If I'm writing a multi-generational literary novel, or an extended experimental piece, I don't want to be distracted by my kids, writing about them, or anything other than handing them into the hands of their father or caregivers. All this dissecting of process seems more like playing Mah Jongh and I believe it is holding women back. After a while, the entire thing is like who cares? I often identify more closely with men than women, in terms of shut up and get the job done. It's work. It's what we do And if you have children? Better figure out what you're going to do with them while you write about process. If you can find the time to write about process and doubts and worries publicly, why not just write your book instead of diluting your work, which may or may not get published, and may or may not get reviewed. Count frets -- see what side of the line you land.
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Comment by Samantha Sotto Yambao on March 5, 2011 at 6:40pm -
GREAT post.I liked points 1-4, and 10 the most. :)
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Comment by Helen Gallagher on March 5, 2011 at 9:53am -
Don't let tweets use up your words!
25 words = 2 twitter messages.
10 twitter messages = 250 words ... a page!
20 twitter messages = 500 words ... a blog post, essay, or fabulous revision!
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Comment by Helen Gallagher on March 5, 2011 at 9:50am
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It has long been true that men who write, write. They are often less social beings, not used to the femme chatter we grew up with, and perhaps are worse at multi-tasking, so they focus and get it done.
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Comment by Sue Rowland on March 4, 2011 at 4:31pm -
Sabra! Hilarious. You nailed it, verbatim. My hubby doesn't drink but conversation goes like this:
Mike: Hey
Jesse: Yo
Mike: Catch anything?
Jesse: Got one striper.
Mike: Wadja use for bait?
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Comment by RYCJ on March 3, 2011 at 9:46pm -
B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l!!!
Lovin' #5, 7, 8, & 10.
And as for why men aren't writing these kinds of posts, I think Sabra hit it home (or out of the ballpark)... lol...so classic.
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Comment by Jamie Wallace on March 3, 2011 at 8:30pm -
Wonderful post. Tweeting and sharing right now. :)
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Comment by Joyce Evans-Campbell on March 3, 2011 at 6:34pm -
Hi again, Deborah. You keep doing this -- opening the flood gates, and I love it. Male writers have always had a wife -- us. They were never socialized to do more than is humanely tolerable. They've expected the lovable wife to cook, clean, baby sit and work outside the house. We all know that we've spent years squeezing into life those things we desire -- reading and/or writing. In the guys' role they've worked hard all day and when the king gets home, the queen has to make life easier for him. (forgive me. I have to apologize because all men aren't socialized this way, but many are. I'm blessed because my husband was taught entirely different) Anyway, we women as a whole get to evaluate and re-evaluate our role, assuring ourselves that we aren't neglecting our family. We pile busywork on ourselves and we believe it's our duty to take care of everyone else first. I'm going to use that ugly word no woman wants to hear. Lazy. God forbid if any of us even thinks our mother, husband, daughter, father thinks we're lazy. It's better to live as a frazzled woman who makes it all look easy. Most men wouldn't have a clue about how to cram all of this work or to work through the displeasure of guilt. Let's face it. It would take eons before we erase all of these wifely, motherly responsibilities, and combine that with writerly responsibilities. It will take eons before a male writer could reverse his thinking on juggling an overfilled plate. Until then, we'll keep stretching ourselves to do more and more. We'll do all we can while we can, and we'll keep that writing new. One thing I do is measure my stress and take steps to lower the levels. Instrumental music -- ocean waves, flutes, saxophones, clarinets -- are tools I use. Then there's sense memory -- taking a mental trip to my favorite place, which is the beach, and breathe deeply. It usually takes about 10 to 15 minutes. We put ourselves in charge of ourselves. I know that it's tough to make time for ourselves. I call it a mental health time out. JE-C
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Comment by The Pink and Blue Diaries on March 3, 2011 at 3:37pm -
Deborah Siegel here. I've been LOVING reading your comments, all! Thank you for this super-thoughtful thread. I swear, She Writes -- or rather, She Writers -- keep me feeling sane.
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