Hey friends...I just want to know how people would react to this opening, to see if anyone would read on or not...It would be so helpful if you read through this and let me know how you feel about it (any constructive feedback welcome -- positive or negative); also suggest how this could improve. Another thing, would you rather want to read this as a short story left with this ending or would you want it to continue as a series of chapters? Also, do you think the title works with this story? Thank you so much for your help!! I really appreciate the time you gave me!! God bless us all!
Shoiab's heart thumped in his chest as he hit the bell for the third time. Blood rushed through him, but from his very insides something chilling was trying to freeze him. He knew what he feared; a monster that always clawed him from inside, drowning away all hope. Shoiab closed his eyes and took a deep breath, biting his bottom lip to regain his control over his despair. A drop of sweat trickled down his face, as he hit the bell again. Something didn't feel right to him, something that was fuelling his deep dark fears.
Still no reply. That's it! he thought, snatching his phone out of his pocket, dialling Dadu's number.
"Dadu! Come here at once!" Shoiab yelled on the phone.
"Hello? Who is it?" The old man let sounded all groggy & disturbed, as he wasn't used to being woken up at 2 am, on weekdays atleast.
"Dadu, its me Shoaib. Please come here at once. She isn't opening the door. Isn't answering her phone. Maybe she is..." Shoiab choked back a tear, as he couldn't make himself pronounce the worst.
"Are you sure Shoiab?" Dadu had already sat bolt upright on his bed. "Maybe she is just sleeping..." The old man was genuinely concerned for her. He might just be her chauffeur to the whole world, but only the ones close to her knew what a bond they had; beyond professional ties, a parent-child thing.
"I was speaking to her on the phone Dadu. " Shoiab strained against the lump in his throat. "She sounded tired, but then..." he inhaled air to hold back his emotions. "Then suddenly she stopped speaking. I heard glass shattering. Then the line cut off.Dadu, something's terribly wrong."
"Do you reckon she was attacked? You know more people hate her than love." Dadu got dressed while, still on the phone.
Shoiab examined the door. It was good thing that she was rich heiress, who had the world's best automated locking system, which only opened using her own finger print, and would immediately inform the police if anyone tried to violate the glass door or windows. The house was voted the safest place in the city, yet he was sure she wasn't safe.
Suddenly something caught his eye...a trail of red on the white mirror-polish tiles under his feet...