Bad Mommy!
I see it, out front, no one can miss it, but I can’t believe I am seeing it. Some cutesy card, “I have puppies instead of children. I’d rather ruin my carpets than my life“. I find myself looking around me. Does anyone else see this? Do they SEE this?!
Like so much that passes for humor, maybe this is funny, because, somewhere inside, it resonates .. it rings true.
We will deny it. Mothers do. If you ask us, to our faces. But in secret … is it a different story?
Once upon a time ago, Ann Landers ran a poll, “If you knew then, what you know now, would you have children?” The resounding answer +70% (anonymous to be sure) was “NO”. Current researchers are predicting those numbers would be much higher today, despite a cultural throw back to idealizing the institution of motherhood.
Authors such as Shirley Radl, in her book, Mother’s Day is Over – took the plunge and talked about the less than glamorous realities of motherhood and whilst many of us are grateful for such pioneering honesty, the subject is still largely verboten. Let’s face it, to speak disparagingly of ones offspring is socially hazardous. The only thing worse, is to generalize your experiences, and thus, criticize the entire institution of motherhood. Go this route, and like many articulate, educated, socially conscious, mother-writers, you may find the sanctimonious, mommy police at your door.
Stephanie Wilkes and Jennifer Niesslein, speak compellingly of the ‘costs of motherhood:
Given all the hits a mother is liable to take, is motherhood worth it? To be honest, it’s a rhetorical question. Because you can’t ever tell what version of motherhood you’ll get. We all want to be the mother who reaps the rewards and isn’t much affected by the risks. But despite our best hopes and efforts, we could all easily be the woman who slips into depression, whose marriage falls apart under the weight of this life, who cannot raise a whole family up out of poverty on her own, whose fatigue is just overwhelming. Just as we can’t know what kind of people our babies will grow up to be, we can’t know what cards motherhood will deal us.
Or check out this preview of, The Mommy Myth; The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined Women. “We have a long history in this culture of mother blame,” said Susan J. Douglas, author of above. And boy oh boy is she spot on! Not only is ‘mommy blame’ a cultural legacy, it is also a familial one, which can be handed down inter-generationally. It is the height of irony as a mother, to reflect that your own mother, probably felt much the same way, and probably at some point in her life, reflected that her mother did as well. A view also shared by Ayelet Waldman, author of, Bad Mother, who says of her own mother, “I wish she’d had a different life“. I cannot help but wonder if, in letting our own mothers ‘off the hook’, we also give ourselves a little bit of wiggle room, to if not get off the hook, at least make it a little more bearable. Maybe when we wish our mothers a different life, it is our way of saying we wish we could have the same.
For myself … I feel as a mother I have been through the wringer, inside out and on more than one occasion, with more than one child, more than one father, and more than one staunch family underminer. Is it worth it? I don’t know. I have worked my ass off and parented with consciousness and integrity – very often single handed and in process, sacrificed many, many things.
There is something utterly heart breaking, and completely demoralizing when you hear the words, “You’re a BAD mommy” or their derivatives, when truly you’ve played the game the best you were able, loved with all you have and then have to accept, your performance is apparently well under par, especially when so much of the game was never in your control.
Would I rather have puppies than children? Hmm … frankly after being a parent for the last 20-odd years, puppies sound like an awful lot of work too. So do house plants. I’d settle for a clean carpet and some guilt free peace.
Comment
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Comment by Fiona McColl on December 14, 2009 at 5:53pm -
Hi Jennifer - a big thanks for reading and posting, especially since I swiped ''ya bits'' for my post ;) Really pleased you enjoyed.
and
Hi to you as well Suzanne :) You are so right abut the pressure we put on ourselves (and that others generously encourage us to take on) to be practically perfect in every way .... hmmm ... I wonder if Mary Poppins runs retreats ;)
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Comment by Suzanne Barston on December 14, 2009 at 3:33pm -
I could not agree more. I am writing a book about my own "bad" mothering move (formula feeding) and have been actively reading books, articles and blog posts about the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect. It is widespread and really detrimental to our kids and ourselves, in my opinion... great post!
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Comment by Jennifer Niesslein on December 11, 2009 at 6:27am -
Love it, Fiona!
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Comment by Fiona McColl on December 10, 2009 at 1:41am
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Kim and Catherine :) I'm glad you both enjoyed the article! Yep Kim, you may well want to make that recording - I have photos and various bits and bobs I pull out when my kids are doing the bad mommy thing and I need to remember there were moments where I was clearly not a reincarnation of Satan's Mother ;)
Catherine - you aren't in it yourself. Find a like minded network of moms who are willing to speak openly about motherhood - hopefully with the capacity for a bit of a gendered analysis.If you can't find one, build one. And if you don't have the energy to build one, come back and visit me :)
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Comment by Catherine Anderson on December 9, 2009 at 6:17am -
Thank you for this post. This was exactly what I needed to read this morning. The verboten part rings so true. As a single mother (who choose this path with intentions via adoption and a donor!) I feel as if I am even more forbidden to have my feelings (self imposed I realize) about the immense challenges and often rage I feel around the self selected sacrifices sometimes. It's such a lonely feeling too. What strikes me about your piece is how impossible it feels to separate theses feelings from the feelings of deep love for the offspring. The can exist simultaneously. Just last night I was writing about my son telling me I wasn't his "real" mom on my blog. As I read your post I realized that I will never be the "real" mom I must have imagined one day I'd become. To be her would entail a Herculean effort to leave behind so many other parts of me. Bringing them all to the table is the new motherhood I need to imagine. Thank you for this post.
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Comment by Kim Machir on December 9, 2009 at 5:36am -
Fantastic blog, Fiona. It is funny how my own mommy guilt prevents me from admitting freely whether or not I agree. (Of course, would it prevent me if I disagreed? So there you have it.)
As a preemptive strike against being called a "bad mother," I have taken to responding to "Why do I?" questions with, "Because I'm a mean ol' mom." Often enough, my boys will contradict me and I come out feeling like maybe I'm doing okay for that one brief moment. They are both clever boys, though, and I expect that one day they will call my bluff. Hmm. Perhaps I should try to record them saying, "You're not a mean mom!" to play consolingly to myself in years to come?
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Comment by Fiona McColl on December 7, 2009 at 9:23pm
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Hi Victoria - and thanks so much for reading and your comments. You really would have been plunged into motherhood! Motherhood is a tuff gig - maybe the tuffest. There's also lots of really awesome things about it too. I get tired having one sided discussions about it- which do not accurately reflect the realities. I feel very sorry for 'mom's in the closet' those who for whatever reason, feel that they can only talk about the good stuff. The must feel very isolated and lonely. I know I did.
I could've written a book about how I believe most Mother's sweep their emotions into the closet and pretend motherhood is the best thing that ever happened!
Write that book! We need more of them!
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Comment by Victoria Hart on December 7, 2009 at 9:11pm
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I have 4 Yorkies and a child and their both a ton of work. My daughter is an adopted niece who has lived with us for 4 years; I was shocked into motherhood! but mostly, as I believe you stated, I was astounded at the outside interference with my mothering decisions and principles, especially by the public school system. I wanted to be pregnant for years, that never happened for us. After taking in my niece, I actually thought, and sometimes outloud, "who would do this a second time?" "who would have a second child?" I may still feel that way, albeit, loving this child very much.
It was an enjoyable blog to read....I could've written a book about how I believe most Mother's sweep their emotions into the closet and pretend motherhood is the best thing that ever happened! whew!
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Comment by Fiona McColl on December 6, 2009 at 3:23pm
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Hi Renate and thanks for reading! I had a bit of a giggle re: the book bearing mom - I think that would be me!
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Comment by Renate Stendhal on December 6, 2009 at 1:06pm -
Refreshing, irresistible honesty, Fiona, and I love the way the text sings along. Great ending, too! I am delighted you shared that hilarious card, and I wonder if someone has created such a card with a woman, her arms filled with BOOKS? What would the text be? "I'd rather ruin my eyes..."? :)
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