{Kay, Always Remembered. Never Released. No Love was (IS) Greater}

~One year ago today you were executed.

It’s been A lifetime.

It’s been A micro second.

It’s been shadow layered upon shadow.

You were here and then you were gone.

Suddenly a diamond in the sky.

Suddenly  a luminous candle snuffed out.

A flower ripped from its roots.

We had just talked on the phone.

I had tickets for Sex & The City. 

“What time does it start?” You asked.

“We have to be there by 7:00”  I said in my big sister voice. “Not 7:30,   7:00!”

“Okaaay, I’ll see you tomorrow.  Love ya.” You said.

Your last sentence.

Only seven words long.

The next day you were   Dead.    Dead.   Dead.

The next day the murderer waited for you like a predator inside your own house.

I visualize him sitting on your beige couch counting the minutes until you got home from work.

       ::::Tick::::Tick:::Tick::::

He hid the gun under your velvet flowered blanket.  The one mom bought at a rummage sale.  The one you begged her for.  You loved how the softness felt on your skin.

I hear him whispering, “Princess, we’re going to be together FOREVER.

But now he is in Hell.

And you are not.

I was mowing the lawn when the universe altered colors.

I was pondering what to make for dinner.

I was alive, complete, carefree.

He moved from the couch…

Slowly.  Always slowly.

Like the boogie man.

Like blackness bleeding.

He placed the metal to your head.

That gorgeous head.

That head I envied and adored for MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Then the son-of-a-bitch killed you.

Killed you.  Killed you.

I was mowing the stupid lawn.

I was thinking about putting chicken on the grill.

I was alive.

After that I prayed the same prayer every. single.  night.

“God, just let me die in my sleep.  Why can’t I just die?  So simple.  The heart stops.  The breathing ceases.  The soul rises.  So simple.”

But I didn’t die.

My heart continued pounding…pounding

Fucking pounding.

I continued waking up to dead suns & dark waters.

I continued living.

Without YOU, my sweet.

Without You.

I never imagined living without You.

So.

Now I pray for purpose.

Meaning in the midst of meaninglessness.

Depth in the midst of nothingness.

I pray for God to use me up.

Use me up until he is done with me.

Use me up until the pounding stops….until His work is finished.

Until everybody knows your story, other women’s stories, the story of our abundant LOVE.

The story of how your beauty & grace & tenderness changed people. 

Changed Me.

Perhaps that is my purpose.

Perhaps that is why I’m left here without You.