Becoming Fierce on the Page by Sage Cohen

My life and my writing changed irrevocably in 2011 when my marriage ended. In the year between my husband moving out and the divorce going through, life as I knew it went up in smoke. I quickly came to understand how my fanatical optimism had sold me on the potential of a relationship that would never come to fruition. This willful insistence that I could just work harder to make it all okay kept me completely distracted from the fact that I was bailing water out of a boat with no bottom.

It was only when I stopped trying so hard that I could meet my life as it was, feel how heartbroken and exhausted I was, and let go.

When my marriage ended, so did many of my oldest and most central friendships. Surrender became a bonfire, and it was exposing every disrespect I had ever tolerated but not (until now) felt in the brilliant light of consumption. I who had never been angry was distilled to this single, blue flame of rage that cleared my life, my beliefs, my identity right to the very foundation. With no comfort of continuity to cling to, I was like a page torn from its book, floating without context or binding or reference. I was a mess of words that suddenly meant nothing.

The writer who had always prided herself in finding the tidy conclusion of gratitude or illumination at the end of any carefully crafted hardship was erased. In her place, some fierce woman started simply expressing what she witnessed in words. No filter, no steering toward the light. My poems and essays became brutal and raw, churning with a kind of survival energy. The mix of surrender and power I experienced while birthing my son started showing up on the page. I was that overtaken. That universal.

I have come to understand how incomplete the “nice” Sage was as a person and as a writer. I have also come to trust that writing, like any living thing, moves toward alignment most efficiently when we do not apply force. If I were to define this process as birthing a more authentic self, I would name writing as the contractions moving me though that awful and auspicious initiation.

Grace, I now believe, is the exhaust of ferocity. A clean-burning life will attract the words that have the potential to save us.

This blog is part of the 'Looking Back Looking Forwards' series edited by Fiona Robyn between the 1st and 7th of January. What did we learn about writing and about ourselves in 2011? How will we use this knowledge in 2012? What do we hope for? Do join us and write your own post, tagged with "Looking Back Looking Forwards" (don't forget the quotation marks & capitals). Read other's posts here (or by clicking on the tag). I'll be featuring a small selection of your blogs during the week. Enjoy.

Tags: Looking Back Looking Forwards, Sage Cohen

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Comment by Pamela Olson on January 7, 2012 at 12:08pm: "The idea of your writing being the contractions that ushered you into a new self is powerful and poignant."

I agree. I finished my first book last year, and the writing itself caused enormous and unexpected growth, and then dealing with the publishing, marketing, and selling aspect, managing my expectations (which of course were off the charts when I first published, as they tend to be for people new to the writing life), all of it exposed a huge amount of hidden ego and forced me to reevaluate myself in many ways. It's not easy, but I'm so grateful for it, and excited to work on my next book, which I hope will help me continue to expand myself.

I love Christine's comment: "Life is a lot better than I expected."

When all the illusions burn away, what we're left with is... reality. Years of much more freedom than we realize on a garden planet full of fascinating, striving people. Not bad at all. :)

Comment by Fiona Robyn on January 7, 2012 at 4:03am: Thanks both for your comments. Yes, Mary, me too!

Comment by Claire McAlpine on January 7, 2012 at 1:01am: Powerful words with momentum, just like those contractions - the enormous power required to get through an event, the ferocity will abate and be replaced by something more empowering, a balance between the calm and the ferocious, but with both on call when needed. Great post!

Comment by Mary L. Holden on January 6, 2012 at 5:08pm: "Grace, I now believe, is the exhaust of ferocity. A clean-burning life will attract the words that have the potential to save us." --Sage Cohen

I can see this line being published in a book of quotations! It is so wise, so beautiful!

Comment by Fiona Robyn on January 5, 2012 at 1:29am: Thanks for your comment, Gita.

Comment by Gita Donovan on January 4, 2012 at 9:19pm: This is beautiful. The idea of your writing being the contractions that ushered you into a new self is powerful and poignant. Best to you in 2012!

Comment by Fiona Robyn on January 4, 2012 at 1:36am: Patricia - same to you.

Thanks all for reading, I was so pleased to host Sage here. If people haven't got her book, 'Writing the Life Poetic' yet, they should go out & buy it immediately : )

Comment by Christine Moffatt on January 4, 2012 at 1:18am: Hi Sage,

Thanks for sharing. Been going through this marital upheaval for last three years...same here, the writing, living, breathing...it all changed. Going on a writer's retreat in Thailand soon to enjoy life and work on a book I started last spring. Life is a lot better than I expected. Glad to hear you are well.

Happy New Year.

Christine

Comment by B. Lynn Goodwin on January 3, 2012 at 11:08pm: "Grace, I now believe, is the exhaust of ferocity. A clean-burning life will attract the words that have the potential to save us."

Wow! I love gratitude and illumination, and I don't think you've lost any of it. I think you're processing it through a new lens or filter--or both. =)

Comment by Patricia Anne McGoldrick on January 3, 2012 at 8:13am: Best in 2012!

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