Okay I caved and actually read this book. Have you heard the expression 'curiosity killed the cat'?
Christian Grey. Where do I start? Fifty shades of mental illness. How on earth this guy ever got around to making $100,000.00 an hour is a miracle. He spends hours training. I mean let’s be real here. You need to be in shape to be able to smack the arse off a petite, whiny virgin, if you really want to make her run for the hills. Christian with the grey eyes. How many ways are there to describe grey eyes? A lot it seems. There’s grey, intensely grey, dark and grey, serious and grey, super grey. Need I go on?
Christian is obsessed with Ana eating. It’s a little creepy. He even puts it in the contract she must sign. Oh yes. Ana has to sign a contract of what she will and won’t do. Foods she is allowed are listed in Appendix Four. And no snacking between meals, please.
As for Ana. She ‘rolls her eyes’ 25 times throughout the book. A little dangerous doing that, as Christian thinks that is an over the knee spanking offence. Then there is Ana’s inner goddess, who glares, is thrilled, dances, nods, jumps, stops jumping, glows, is surprised, is pleased, is not pleased, smacks her lips, does back flips, bounces, wakes, pleads, stares open mouthed, prostrates herself, spins, has a do not disturb sign on her door, is beside herself, grins, pouts, scowls, basks, gazes, swoons, is hopeful, and she also drove me to drink.
Repetition, repetition, repetition. Using my kindle search tool I discovered that Ana flushes exactly 100 times. There’s actually a whole lot of religion in the book. 39 holy shits, 30 holy craps and 18 holy fucks.
There is so much wrong with this book I don’t really know where to start the criticism. Although I could start with the fact the main character is a girl with silver balls in her vagina getting spanked and seemingly enjoying herself, who squirms under people’s gazes and says jeez 81 times. This same girl spends her time hooking up with an Adonis who has a red room of pain, won’t let anyone touch certain areas of his body and wants to turn this little virgin in to his own personal submissive.
Let me warn you. It is a wasted couple of hours that you will NEVER get back. I actually finished it because I wanted--I don’t know what I wanted. Maybe to be able to say I’d been to literary hell and back. These are two of the most annoying characters I have ever come across. Seriously, don’t waste your time. I’d rather have gone to the dentist.
Article first published as Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James on Blogcritics.