I've been thinking a lot about brains lately. I'll get to the zombies in a bit; first I wanna talk about brains. If that bores you just skip it.
The human mind is an amazing thing. The way it works - or doesn't work - is fascinating.
Brains are like computers.
A brain with ADD/ADHD is like a computer that periodically freezes, reboots, or starts randomly flipping through folders on its own.
I often think that my "computer" is very disorganized; folders and files all out of order, some folders empty when they shouldn't be, and a lot of folders hidden or password protected for no reason. Which makes it hard to think, remember, or explain things. The data is there; it's just all mixed up and jumbled around.
Like using a computer that has no organizational system.
I compare my brain to a lot of things; not just computers. I often say, "My train of thought is temporarily derailed." But I tend to think of computer analogies most often.
It's not just ADD/ADHD that I use to draw comparisons between my brain and computers. I'm epileptic. I guess. Is there any "Sort-Of-Epilepsy"? They can't diagnose me because they can't figure out why I have seizures; not the cause or anything else.
A seizure is like having your brain short-circuit. Everything that was working fine seconds ago goes haywire, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
I had two seizures last week, one right after the other. I regained consciousness in between, but not control of my motor functions. I lost control of my bladder. I couldn't move and couldn't stop anything that was happening.
I felt embarrassed, humiliated; ashamed. I felt helpless and terrified. I was stuck inside my body and I couldn't do anything.
I was so afraid that I was going to be trapped like that forever. It really wasn't very long but it felt like an eternity.
I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I was too afraid.
That's my brain for you.
I haven't had a seizure in three and a half years. I'd had four seizures in my entire life, before last week. Now I've had six. Six seizures in almost twenty-five years. So I'm not used to it. They just pop up when everything starts going alright.
Having seizures like that; losing my license through no fault of my own really doesn't help my victim complex. But I can't drive now. I haven't been told that officially yet; but I know the drill and I don't intend to be on the road when it's possibly dangerous.
I had to move. Either drop out of school - which means paying back my student loans right away and we can't afford that - or move to residence and only see my family on weekends.
So I'm living in residence. I have an awesome room-mate; one who doesn't party and is focused on school. I miss my hubby and my kids. I got invited to a party today and turned it down because, cool as it sounded, I need to focus on catching up on my assignments.
All this because of my brain short-circuiting. Crazy what that "computer" can do.
Speaking of brains, did you know that the US military is undergoing training for the Zombie Apocalypse?
I would die in the Zombie Apocalypse.
I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic.
I have weak lungs and can't run fast or far because I struggle to breathe when I try.
When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, since I know I won't make it anyway, I could be heroic and sacrifice myself to buy time for my friends and family.
Except I'm not that self-sacrificing.
I would die for the ones I love, but I won't let myself be eaten alive for them.
I have this thing with pain, you see. I hate it.
No, I would commit suicide before any zombies could get close to me.
I'm not a coward. I'm just not a hero.
What will you do in the Zombie Apocalypse?
Haven't thought that far ahead?
You should. It's coming.