Drinking and Dreaming

When I first stopped drinking, I had a recurring dream in which I was raising a large martini glass to my lips. I’d inhale the juniper aroma of the gin, spy three large olives bobbing, and watch as beads of sweat rolled down the sides of the glass in sensual anticipation.

They probably lasted just a few seconds, but these dream sent my brain into utter mayhem.

Before I could take a sip, I’d catch myself, realize my mistake – that I had forgotten my decision just long enough to come so close. There was confusion, guilt, and shame.

And longing. Could I have just one sip? One glass? Would that be enough? Or would I get back on the un-merry-go-round?

Awakening, I would wish I had realized I was dreaming. But I lacked the Inception-style self-awareness that might have allowed me to enjoy my drink guilt-free knowing that in reality, I’d kept my promise. If I were more creative – or perhaps if I’d conjured Leonardo DiCaprio to help me navigate my dreamscape – I might have created a dream within a dream in which my first-layer dreamer stayed sober while my second-layer dreamer willingly delved deeper and drew deep on that glass to satisfy a curiosity and indeed a thirst – the best of both worlds.

Part of me is ashamed to admit I would have taken that sip had I realized I was dreaming. This decision I’ve made feels like one that should extend to the far reaches of my conscious and unconscious mind. But this decision I made – and make every day – has consequences only in the real world, where tops spin out and stop and only I know what is real and true.

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Comment by Jenna Hollenstein on February 23, 2011 at 8:57am: @Lauren: you're right! Again, I'm inspired by you!

@Rev. LaWaughn Rouse: Thank you so much! And welcome!

Comment by Lauren B. Davis on February 23, 2011 at 8:53am: Well, we may just have to be a group of two. That's all it takes, really, isn't it?

Comment by Rev. LaWaughn Rouse on February 23, 2011 at 8:53am: Wow!!! Hello I'm Rev. LaWaughn Rouse and I have only been a member for 8 days. I thought I would stroll through the members "rooms of her own just got bigger" and visit. I've been reading the blogs of some and have gone to their personal websites as well. I stumbled upon yours and as I read it I was drawn in. I'm not just an ordained minister but a registered nurse as well. So the nurse part leaped for joy as I read about your accomplishment. I've worked with many patients that had addictions and could not over come them. The worse of all believe it or not was those that had problems with alcohol. It was so easy to obtain. Many never realized that they had a problem. We would get the weekend beer drinker who would enjoy it weekly with the guys and then one day stop and go into DT's and don't understand why. Or the teacher who would have a couple of glasses of wine each day then notice that she had to have more and before long the wine caused problems at work which caused her to be sent to rehab. Being on the outside I never knew the struggle that this problem could bring even after years of sobriety. Your writting style is great and allows the reader to be pulled in and champion you for being so brave. I am honored to have visited you today and will keep you in my daily prayers

Remain the strong inspiration that you are and please allow me to visit

your "room of her own just got bigger" often and please come visit me too

Rev. LaWaughn Rouse

Comment by Jenna Hollenstein on February 23, 2011 at 8:22am: Thanks, Lauren. Always good to know I'm not the only one! Hope you're well. It's too bad our group hasn't been more vocal. I'd really like to interact more!

Comment by Lauren B. Davis on February 23, 2011 at 8:19am: Slip dreams. The worst. I've been sober for nearly 16 years, and they still pop up once in a while. Sometimes I'm so drunk in my dream I can't stand up, and am terrified and ashamed. I wake up THRILLED to be sober another day. So, maybe those dreams aren't the worst thing after all. We all get 'em. Keep going, Jenna.

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