It's the Story, Stupid! (Trying Hard Not To Think About Publishing While Writing)

About a year ago, my son, who was seven at the time, announced, "Mommy! I'm going to write a book!" This wasn't surprising given what I do for a living, and considering that he is a New York kid.

I suppose I also should not have been surprised by what came next.

"This is so cool!" he said excitedly, "I'm going to write a book! I'm just a kid, and I'm going to be published!"

"What?" I asked. "What did you say?"

The boy had yet to write a word, and he was talking about publication. Not only that, he was talking about publication with the kind of gusty relish and naked desire he generally reserves for trips to Chuck E. Cheese. And did I mention: he had yet to write a word?

"Max," I said, as calmly as I could. "You should not be thinking about publication right now. You should be thinking about your story! I don't want to hear another word about publication until you have written it all down. You understand me?"

He nodded solemnly, quick to react to the tone of my voice. Then he did a series of things that made me proud. He sharpened his favorite pencil. He found his favorite, hard-backed journal. He climbed up into his top bunk and, while I read a story to his younger brother, began to work. He asked me how to spell "series." He asked me how to spell "field." He asked me how to spell "Girardi," the last name of the Yankee's manager. (It was clearly time for his first dictionary.)

After a good fifteen minutes of concentrated labor, he sat bolt upright in bed. "I finished!" he pronounced.

"Read it to us!" I said, and my little guy snuggled up closer to me as Max relayed his masterpiece. A story called "The Kids," it went something like this (I don't want to plagarize, so he won't lose first serial rights): a Little League baseball team attends a world series game, Yankees versus Mets. By the fifth inning all the Yankees are injured (how this happened was not explained), and the Yankees manager, Joe Girardi, is forced to call on "the kids" to take the field. The kids beat the Mets. The end.

"Wow!" I said. "That is a great first draft!"

"So do you think I can get it published?" he asked me.

"Max! You are writing this because you have a great idea. An idea that is so fun and interesting to you that you just have to write it down, and have fun while you do it. Right?"

"Yeah," he said. "Aren't I also writing it so other people will read it, though?" he asked.

He had me there.

And now, as I am slogging through a difficult moment in writing my novel (the middle), wondering if it's any good, I find myself thinking of this conversation again. I need to focus entirely on my story, I know it. But I am having trouble getting the "will anyone ever read this?" and "will it ever get published?" demons out of my head.

As to the first question, one of the things I'm most excited about with the launch of She Writes Press is the fact that, for the first time as an author, I have a lot more control over the "will this ever get published?" question. I don't have to go around begging marketing departments at big publishing houses to bet on me and my book--and then hand over most of the potential upside in the process. But the whole idea of She Writes Press is that we will only publish books that meet a high editorial standard. So while I might feel less anxiety about finding myself with a publishable book that nobody will publish...I still have to make it publishable. I still have to make it good. Which right now is making me very anxious indeed.

And then there's the second question--the question, to my mind, that is really at the heart of the matter. Even if I write a good, "publishable" book...will anyone want to read it? How will I make it sell? If I can't, will I have failed? Aren't I writing it, as Max said, so other people will read it? Or am I writing it, as I exhorted him, because I have a story I want to tell, and even if it only gets read by family and friends it's ok, because it was always about telling a story, not about selling one?

While I'm writing, if I think too much about selling and not telling, will my book suffer? Will the story (and my writing) get worse?

Part of me is sure the answer is yes. Part of me knows that to think about the public life of the book before I have gotten a third of the way through the private, solitary life of its creation is bad for my process, my creativity, and even my confidence. It's dangerous to think too much about publishing while writing. The best books, I believe, the books I love the most, came into being because their authors simply had to write them, not because they were looking for a book deal.

Part of me, however, can't stop putting the cart before the horse. Part of me feels enormously impatient, in a hurry to get through a draft, and through the inevitable multiple rounds of revision--god writing a book takes a long time!--because I do have hopes this book will sell, and I can't help indulging in that fantasy and even feeling driven by it.

Am I alone in struggling with this balance? Have others here done the same? Please share your experiences. I need to hear from other writers on this one, asap!

...oh and in case you are wondering, there will be more on Max's adventures in writing in a post to come...

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Comment by Kamy Wicoff on August 28, 2012 at 7:04am: @Sherrey, good for you -- I don't always manage to do it, but I am much happier thinking about story than platform, though of course once the story's finished, authors have to do that these days. And @Kristen, I love the idea of writing on a dare. Maybe I will dare myself to finish my novel, and see if that works. :)

Comment by Sherrey Meyer on August 25, 2012 at 9:36am: Terrific post, Kamy! And you are not alone and neither is Max. Not even a third through my memoir draft, and I'm caught up in the "create a platform" and "social media networking" that we writers/authors are led to believe will get us noticed and our books published ASAP. In fact, other than a contribution to an anthology just out this week in ebook at Amazon, I've never published anything before! Why am I worrying about what isn't written? You've jogged me loose here to spend more time on my memoir in progress than on platform or social media. That's not to say both aren't important, it's just that I too put that proverbial cart before the horse all too often. Thanks for the nudge!

Comment by Kristen Elise on August 22, 2012 at 8:32pm: What a great post, Kamy. You are sooooooo right!! My first novel flew out of my computer keyboard all by itself, because I was only writing in on a dare. My second novel, with ALL of these expectations behind it (the all-to-critical critics of myself and my Mom) then stalled for a year, about ten chapters in, because it wasn't perfect. The only thing that FINALLY made me finish it was someone saying, "dude, just finish it! If it's not good, you don't ever have to show it to anyone, but you'll still be glad you finished it, right?" I then finished it within about a month. And ya know what? It's pretty good! On a related note, I envy your child like you wouldn't believe :) And I do think his story sounds like a fun read!

Comment by Acacia Oak on August 22, 2012 at 2:45pm: Frankly, I write because I must. The hope of publication is there, of course, because I believe in the characters, the plot, the point of my writing. But I am happiest when I write and that is reward in itself.

Comment by Kamy Wicoff on August 22, 2012 at 12:53pm: Oh my gosh, this is such an amazing response, I hardly know where to begin! (I was at the baseball field literally playing ball with my boys most of the day yesterday, so sorry for the delay.) I really have been struggling with this, and reading all of your comments, whether they were expressing similar feelings, thankfulness for the chance to air them, or giving me stories of hope and terrific advice, has put a new gust of wind beneath my wings. I am going to write RIGHT NOW. Bird by bird, right? First the story...then all the other stuff. Or at least I will keep telling myself that, and re-reading these comments when I need to be reminded.

Comment by Wendy Brown-Baez on August 22, 2012 at 12:13pm: To have a writing life, I think it is important to write the poem or the story because it is imperative to tell it, it haunts you, it won't let go.

Then, once it is written, to consider publication possibilities, which means editing, marketing and promoting. At the AWP conference, I heard published authors talk about the 1000 pages they reguritated that then needed to be edited down...

I always assumed that since I loved to write and because I loved books, I would publish. Part of the reason I write is to be heard, to have a voice, to no longer be silenced and/or inhibited about my experience. And I assumed publishing companies would promote my books. But I had both poetry and fiction manuscripts accepted by small publishers who went out of business before my work saw print. And there were years when I could not submit my work for a variety of reasons, from raising children to emotional trauma to deep poverty.

Once I did have a book of poetry published, I was shocked at how much effort and time it took to promote it. I resented the time away from the creative process. But now it is just part of what I do. What I find hard is how to "toot my own horn" having been brought up to believe that as a woman, I should be modest and not brag about myself.

Despite acceptances in literary journals and the poetry books, I still dread that rejection letter...my feelings get hurt. And yet it pushes me to reconsider my work with fresh eyes.

But I do see the difference between getting the writing down on paper (or on the computer) and the editing process which makes it readable. If the point is to communicate, then do it well.

I am pleased that I have a grandson who writes. (The others prefer football and hockey). I look at him and see myself with stapled pieces of paper, absorbed in making up stories, my pencil going as fast as I can make it go.

Comment by Tina L. Hook on August 22, 2012 at 10:29am: I have found that writing the second novel is what is nourishing me through the promotion of the first one. Love for the work is what powers me through. That said, I am learning more and more that publishing is a business, and researching what that will mean for you is practical, especially since executing a book requires an investment of years. The balance between these two worlds, business and creative, is often overwhelming to me, but I imagine all artists must feel that way.

Comment by Kate Campbell on August 22, 2012 at 6:32am: Like riding a bike or swinging a bat, being in the flow of writing feels natural and exciting. Book promotion, not so much. I self-published my first novel, after five years of work, not because I wanted the ego boost, but because I wanted the monkey off my back. Even in the bottom of the drawer the manuscript would have been calling for me to do something about it, not let it languish there in the world of hope and prayer publishing. So I did something and now I'm caught up in touting it. But, more than anything, I want is to get back on the bike and start pedaling, wind in my hair, flowing through the first draft of my new novel, dodging monkeys and Yankees, experiencing the fun of creation, every once in a while feeling the crack of the bat when I hit the sweet spot. Thanks for your post. It's an important topic.

Comment by Jane Perdue on August 22, 2012 at 4:49am: What a lifeline your post was! A call with a NY editor had stopped me cold in my writing tracks, "the genre for your proposed book is full. Your idea is good but..." Your post restored my zest for telling my story...thank you!

Comment by Annette Hanham on August 21, 2012 at 6:33pm: For me, I view this from an energetic point of view and it's about being in the moment. I have learnt to focus on the part of the process that is current because that is what the energy of that moment is for.In other words, when I tried to get ahead of myself I blocked the flow of the creative writing energy, which is very different to editing or promotional energy. To think about publishing engages the logical left side of the brain when we really need to keep the right side of the brain open and operational in order to write from our creative, unlimited self. In addition, doubt and worry also leads us back to the left side of the brain and to our limited self. Trust my friends! Trust!! Love and Light to you all from New Zealand