Julie Metz, author of The New York Times bestselling memoir Perfection answers five questions from Deborah Copaken Kogan, bestselling author of Shutterbabe, Between Here and April, and Hell is Other Parents. The paperback edition of Perfection is out this summer from Voice/Hyperion.

1. Your book is so raw, so filled with the pain of both a lost person, then the pain of losing that person all over again, when you find out the truth of his secret life. Did writing it feel like an exorcism? Could you imagine
having NOT written it?

There were days during the writing process when I wondered why I was doing it, because revisiting the experiences was so intensely painful. But by that point, I knew that whether or not it was ever published, I had to write the story. In fact someone told me during that time—a writer of course—that I shouldn’t continue unless I felt that kind of commitment. An exorcism? Not quite that, but absolutely an emotional cleansing for myself, and a struggle to understand what had happened to the life I thought I had. And then as the work continued I had the strong feeling that there were people out in the world who might find some comfort. The letters I receive tell me I was right.

2. Both of us started off as visual artists and have made the transition to writing. I am constantly thinking about the left brain (language)/right brain (visual) conundrum, the ways in which one side of the brain feeds the other and vice versa. I used to feel like a dilettante, every year when I filled out my tax forms and had to name myself as a photographer and a writer, since I earn money doing both. I’ve since made my peace with the dichotomy. You? How does your visual self interact with your verbal self? How do you see your career playing out over the next decade?

I have had that same feeling doing my taxes! Yes, that visual/language conflict is there and I am always working through that because on different days I wear different hats and it can get pretty crazy when there are deadlines in both areas of my life. At times it becomes a cartoonish dash back and forth from the computer where I design book covers to the laptop where I write. And I try to find time to paint, complicating things further. As I head deeper into my writing life, I do not want to give up my visual work. I think making images gives me something unique as a writer. I find I think in pictures and that writing is just another way of making images in my head real for other people. My fantasy would be to have a work studio large enough for everything.

3. Now, onto another similarity between the two of us, albeit one that I used to find painful: we’ve both been criticized for writing deeply personal revelations about our family, our children. What is it about our writing that offends certain readers, while other readers—strangers—reach out through social media, e-mail and the like to ask us both out for coffee, as if they “knew” us, intimately? Isn’t the whole point of writing to reveal the self? And once the self is revealed, how does one protect oneself from both the criticism on one hand and the desire for connection on the other? I’m not saying there are any easy answers here, but I’d love to hear your take on this topic.

I have been amazed by the reactions to my book. Most of the response is positive and comes to me directly from readers who are grateful to see some honesty on a difficult subject. But I have had my share of negative Amazon reviews, where I am clearly Bad Mother of the Year. When I am criticized for harming my child, I feel like inviting those people over to see that actually, my daughter is doing great and has been so supportive of my book. The story I told in Perfection required that I share something of my life with my daughter and I felt that honesty would be most helpful to other women in my situation. Everyone has an opinion about “right” parenting and when we dare to write about it, we do open ourselves to this kind of reaction. I find that aggressive anonymous criticism is often uninformed and reveals more about that person’s bias and preconceived ideas than about my book. It took a while, but I no longer read those nasty reviews.

4. Your late husband clearly had issues with philandering, a need for love and sexual relations outside of the marriage. You are critical of this, and in most ways rightfully so. However, I take a slightly less black and white stance vis a vis polyamory. And I say this from a place of having beenwith the same man, mostly happily, for over 20 years. I know you have a new man in your life, but that you have chosen not to be married to him. Is this a conscious choice based on your experience of the past? Do you believe that one cannot love others, whether carnally or not, if one is in a committed relationship? Again, no easy answers here, but worth a discussion.

A: I think of myself as an open-minded person. I am not opposed to polyamory, or any arrangement people might come up with that doesn’t cause harm. But until recently, while researching a writing piece, I had yet to see an open relationship that really seemed to work, where the partners seemed truly easy with the arrangement. I think it’s very possible to fall in love with more than one person at a time, in fact I think it happens all the time, but whether a relationship can survive with outside partners is another question.
For me personally, I think one relationship at a time is plenty. I certainly feel love for people I was involved with in the past. A friend of mine described her heart as a house with many rooms. I still have a room for former loves and I might even take a wander in the room from time to time. And I bet we’ve all had at least one crazy crush that caught us off guard. We humans are pretty complicated and it’s not healthy to deny your feelings. But as a meditation teacher told me, it’s not always wise to act on feelings.
You and my dad…everyone wants to know when I am getting married… My boyfriend and I are officially domestic partners, which is like Marriage Light: we share the health insurance benefits but we don’t get the tax deduction. We’ve been together for six years. We have been talking about getting married for several years but I will admit that initially I wasn’t very motivated, because I had a wicked case of bad memories and cold feet. But my boyfriend is an optimist who has never been married and I am coming around to the idea. He recently gave me a “love ring” that’s pretty swell. And my daughter has a dress I can’t afford all picked out. So stay tuned…

5. What’s next for Julie Metz, my new favorite writer and now friend?

Well, thanks for that! I find I am curious about so many things…and writing is a wonderful way for me to explore the world. I am working on a novel and several short nonfiction story ideas…My daughter and I have even talked about a story for younger readers…I promise to keep you posted!