Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Here's what I came home to: a handsome, somewhat-skinnier husband; a confused but grateful dog; San Antonio's beautiful January weather and crazy drivers; a huge, ominous stack of mail; a very clean apartment. So now what?

I'm thirty. I have a MFA in Writing and Literature from Bennington College (see left: biting my lip, waiting for my name to be called). I got my first book Musical Chairs published my first book with ATTM and I now have a handful of short publications and a job at a writing center in San Antonio. I have food, shelter, a bunch of student loans, part-time work, and for now, my health. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have everything I ever wanted and more. I have everything but certainty. And philisophically-speaking, do we ever really have that?
Meanwhile, I'm both frightened and thrilled. I have a feeling that 2010 will be full of changes for the Knox-Shanahan household, and I really don't know quite what to expect. Yes, I'm hoping for full-time work that I love, and yes, I'm hoping to write more, but what where and when is yet to be determined. Fifteen years ago, I was a runaway kid, mostly-drunk, and I thought of little outside of what I didn't have. Today, I am consumed by what I do. I'm not rich, by any standards, but today, I feel as though I am.

So, I guess this is a post to reflect my gratitude. I have no delusions about my life being easy this year. Big changes come with big concessions and adjustments, but I am optimistic. Moreover, my writing goals have changed considerable since my trip, thanks to a week of quality time at my father's apartment. I have decided to put "Absurd Hunger" on hold for a little while, and instead I'm returning to my original plan, which was to write Gloria's life story as best as I can. My grandmother's voice was often stifled throughout her life, and what a life it has been. When I showed her my diploma, I saw an appreciation in her eyes that I'd never before seen. My grandmother's dream was to finish her schooling and get her high school diploma, and this never happened for her. We were both drop-outs and we both made some bad decisions, but she didn't have the opportunities I did. Her opposition and survival, a woman who suffered schizophrenic breaks, single motherhood in the 50s and the tough-won love of her mother, is inspiring indeed. Although she is still prone to breaks, she has told me that she is ready to have a voice, and this desire is my daily inspiration. I have her blessing to write her story, and we'll see how it goes...

So, here's to new beginnings!