The doctor called early in the morning yesterday. This is highly unusual for her, so I knew there must have been something important she needed to tell me. I have total faith in her uncanny ability to accurately diagnosis illnesses and deficiencies, so what was uncovered answered many of my questions. It also left one crucial inquiry unanswered.

It seems that a round of bloodwork revealed that my testosterone level is extremely low. I had gone in to have an awful sinus infection treated and something told her to check my testosterone just in case. Since I have been someone who has tended to idealize the female side of my gender identity and denigrate the male, this revelation almost seemed to validate those feelings. As it stands, it’s highly unusual that someone my age would have this condition. Normally it is found in men twenty to twenty-five years older. Without enough testosterone in my system, my health has suffered more than normal because of it. Fatigue, an inability to think clearly at times, and glucose intolerance mimicking the early stages of diabetes have all been side effects of what is known medically as hypogonadism. I speculate, tongue-in-cheek, that the sex hormone producing part of my body decided to go on strike.

I headed to the doctor earlier today to start hormone replacement therapy. This also strikes me as somewhat comical, since that term is most commonly used to refer to menopausal women. While on the phone with the doctor yesterday, I mentioned to her that I was genderqueer, wondering whether there was some correlation. She told me that my question was a good one, but didn’t have much of a specific answer. Diagnosing issues relating specifically to gender have been problematic to many a practitioner. What modern medicine knows about it is minimal, at best. This is partially what has been upsetting to me about the transgender elements of who I am. I know that when some solid, satisfactory breakthroughs are made that there will be less anguish and much less confusion, but in the meantime I have to deal with the inexact.

Medicine may not the savior I’m looking for to answer all of these questions, each without adequate conclusions, but it’s an important measuring stick, in any case. I wonder what transgender studies will look like decades from now, and if we’ll laugh at the ignorance of an earlier age. I certainly hope so.