I hate eggs but I love mayonnaise. This contradiction fascinates my friends and at almost every social gathering that we have, somehow this topic gets raised time and time again. The mayonnaise argument is used first, then they bring up almost every edible egg occurrence I’ve ever had. Yes, I have eaten deviled eggs and mini-quiches but it was when there was no alternative. I didn’t seek them out nor did I choose them over some other non-egg choice. 

I hate eggs and this does not make breakfast my favorite meal. My choices are limited to yogurt, a bread item or fruit. Pancakes are OK but they’re so heavy and sweet that eating them makes me feel faintly sick all day. Waffles are good if they aren’t overly light because obviously an abundance of eggs is what makes them so fluffy. Although scrambled eggs were the first things I ever learned to cook, I never learned to eat them. Breakfast really is a club and I’m not a member- those stupid eggs black-balled me.

Yes I eat cakes, cookies and the like but I recently came up a trick that allows me to bake (which I enjoy) and not indulge in the end results. I’ve been making baked items that call for a lot of eggs. Though the eggs change their “form” (my argument for liking cake and cookies generally) if I’ve seen what I consider to be a large ratio of the ingredients to be eggs, it puts me off from eating it. I can no longer look at madeleines with the same lust. I know their secret egg identity now and my heart has turned cold. Proust is welcome to them. 

I have never eaten a meringue, an egg cream or sipped eggnog. I know that egg creams don’t really have eggs in them but you can tell they wish they did. Egg creams want to have that egg air about them or they would be called “chocolate soda drink.”

Egg salad may be the worst of the family of egg criminals. It is as if the eggs are holding a gun to the head of the noble mayonnaise. “Do as you’re told and no-one gets hurt.” Yes I know that one of the three main ingredients of mayonnaise is egg- hence the reason I wouldn’t try making my own homemade mayo. Let me have me have my mayonnaise illusions, I egg of you.

I’m a foodie but there is no way I’d ever eat a 100 year old egg or a quail’s egg. One of the best things my niece said that she ate recently was a raviolio that had an egg in it. How many times on Top Chef does someone make something that involves breaking the cooked egg so that the yoke gushes out over the dish- way too many! Eggs don’t make a dish, they break it. 

I’ve heard how creamy and delicious eggs are. But that jiggle, that smell, I truly find them revolting. The worst is when in movies or TV, and you see people drinking raw eggs for their athleticism or as a hangover cure. Please do not seat me during the egg drinking sequence in any film.

Don’t you think I wish I liked eggs? People seem to get so much enjoyment out of them. When I first met my boyfriend one of the things he wanted to do for me was cook me an omelet. Aw how sweet, I turned him down flat. 

Then there are the times when eggs don’t have to be there for something to be delicious and they are added anyway, ruining whatever they touch: like an egg wash or eggs in macaroni and cheese or the hidden eggs in a Caesar’s salad or that very showy egg on top of hash. I shudder to think about the egg contamination of some of my favorite foods that I’m not even aware of. 

Bet you can guess who my least favorite arch villain is? You got it- Egghead. What is my least favorite holiday treat? Easter eggs! Still not convinced about the evil egg influence? What do nasty pranksters do to people or their property on Halloween? They egg them. Don’t forget about that nasty egg dealer, Sam I Am pushing his green eggs and ham on everybody.

What is the one thing I can be grateful for in my hatred of eggs? I know I’ll never have egg on my face. I better stop this rant before the egg coalition eggs-acts their revenge on me and leaves a hard-boiled egg on my pillow.