It's a Hard Knock Life

It’s A Hard Knock Life

As my thirteen year old daughter is about to begin high school, I am struggling with how much of my past I want to share with her. When I was eighteen, I was raped and nearly murdered. The rapist strangled me until I literally felt my throat close. Just before I passed out he let go, although he later kept saying he didn’t know why he hadn’t killed me. He made it very clear that he had killed past victims.

That day changed my life in a thousand different ways, but I also learned some very important lessons. The first was to always go with my gut. I was in a neighborhood that I did not want to be in at the time of the attack. My sister and I had been operating a child care center out of our basement, and when the business outgrew the space, my mother and step father offered to purchase a small house for us to run the business in, as an investment. I knew when I first saw the place, that although it met the criteria for what we needed, the neighborhood was less than desirable. I voiced my concern weakly, not wanting to offend or to look a gift horse in the mouth. My concerns were possibly considered, I’m not really sure, but regardless it was decided the opportunity outweighed the risk.

That day also taught me that there are times in life when you have no one to rely on but yourself. Although I screamed, I wasn’t heard, and when he showed me that he also had a knife, I knew I had to remain calm. Much of the day is a blur, but I remember engaging him in conversation, and as silly as it sounds, I wasn’t rude. I really think that may have been what saved my life.

Lastly, I learned that your life can change in an instant. Although I decided that same night that I would never allow this incident to define my life, I also acknowledged that you can never know what is around the corner. Your life, as well as the lives of others, should never be taken for granted because it could be gone tomorrow.

I am a much stronger person because of this experience, but is that any reason to share this with my daughters (I also have an eleven year old), or would it only serve to scare them? We’ve had talks in the past about following your instincts and being aware of your surroundings. I’ve done my best to let them know that although most people are good, there are those who, for one reason or another, cannot be trusted. I want to present a balanced image of the world, but at the same time I don’t want to leave them unprepared. I want to protect them, but I don’t want to keep things from them.

Rape is such a sensitive subject. I would hate for my girls to think I have kept this from them because it is some dark secret. I’ve been fortunate in that I have never experienced the shame that I know many victims feel. I know I did nothing to deserve what happened to me. I stand by every decision I made that day. I just want to spare them the knowledge of how vulnerable we all are, while at the same time keeping them as safe as possible.

I had hoped by putting this all down on paper, the answer would become clear to me, but it has not. I’m still just as conflicted as ever. So, I am putting it out to you, the public. What would you do?

Tags: children, rape, secrets, share, to, what

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Comment by Fiona Rossiter on August 11, 2011 at 10:22pm: Thank you for sharing this, it must be hard to talk about the ordeal, I do not think I would have your courage! I have two daughters of my own and I know that all I want to do is protect them from the world. I am not naive and I know that sooner or later they will be exposed to all the horrors 'out there'. I guess that when you tell your girls ,is a personal decision and as Sarah said you need to follow your instincts. All I know is that my eldest daughter would become paranoid about leaving the house, she is so sensitive, so I guess you need to decide if your daughter is ready to hear your story. Nobody should have to endure what you went through! Much respect to you for your bravery.

Comment by Tara McMillen on July 30, 2011 at 1:45pm: Thank you for your courage. Your honesty and positive thinking are inspiring. I was raped by my grandfather when I was 13 and retain very few memories of the incident. Not sure if it's better to remember or not. I have spent the last twenty years processing and healing from this trauma, and I still hesitate to tell anyone that it happened to me. It doesn't exactly fit into casual conversation and can be very difficult to process. I agree with everyone that yours is a tale for a later date. When you feel your girls are mature enough to handle and process the information, then you'll know it's right to share with them. It's very powerful that you can share with your daughters what you've learned in life, teach them how to be safe without being paranoid, make smart thoughtful decisions and always trust your instinct! Thank you for sharing and sorry you had to go through that.

Comment by Bridget Straub on July 29, 2011 at 8:48pm: Thanks for all of your kind words. I agree that now is probably not the time to tell either of my daughters. Sarah, I'm so sorry about your friend. It's terrible that so many of us havbe been affected by this.

Comment by Margaret Dilloway on July 29, 2011 at 8:34pm: Wow-- so sorry that happened to you. That's a tough one, because you don't want them to be too paranoid, yet you want them to be aware. Maybe share small bits of info?

This reminds me of a film that a woman I attended college with produced. She was raped at 14; her attacker later raped and killed another 14 year old girl. I don't know if her documentary would help you out; it might, so here's a link.

Forever 14

Comment by Beck Gambill on July 29, 2011 at 7:55pm: Wow, that's quite an experience. It's amazing that you have used pain to add wisdom and depth to your life. My thoughts are that your girls are a bit young to hear the whole story. It sounds like you're already helping them be aware of their surroundings and to use their instincts. I think information of such a sensitive nature needs to be shared in an age appropriate way, it may be a long time until they are ready to hear the whole story. That doesn't mean you can't share truths you've learned through all of your experiences in life, just filtered to suit their maturity. I'm sure there will come a day when you know it's the right time to share more about your experiences. I can imagine seeing them grow and become more independent your reflex is to protect, may you have the wisdom and confidence you need to guide them.

Comment by Jordan E. Rosenfeld on July 29, 2011 at 3:53pm: Such a big, deep question. Ultimately I feel like children sense our secrets--I know I picked up on my drug addict/alcoholic mother's...and when she corroborated, years later, the stuff that was really going on, it was an immense feeling of validation, that what I had sensed was real, even if I didn't know the details. Perhaps when your daughter is old enough you will be able to share it in a way that is educational, and bonding. Obviously, being age appropriate will help.

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