There are moments that arrive without warning, when walls close in, when the air thins, knees buckle, and I feel myself dissolving into the earth. TIme stops, and the raw reality of now reminds me that Alex is (still) dead. Writing these words is never easy, but tonight, for some reason, it leaves me breathless. In this freeze-frame moment, he dies all over again. The scab rips off, the bleeding refuses to stop, and I retreat to a fetal position, holding on for dear life. No book deal, no blog, no television or radio interview or notoriety will ever change this reality. The presence of absence stares me straight in the eye tonight, blurring my vision, blinding me into a state of complete and utter darkness. Fade to black.