Move over, Shades of Grey, I have fantasies too. Mine may not be as wild as yours. I haven’t read the book so I have no way of knowing. Nevertheless I am amongst those legions of lonely women whose husbands have died---older women who support many causes but never their own. But I am adamant about moving on and I hope my fantasy will become a reality. I want to live it rather than just write about it. Being computer savvy, I am confident that I can make my way through the online dating world even though I have no experience in that respect and it is an unusual route for someone my age to take. I am hoping to meet a fit, intelligent widower who is interested in dinners, movies, dancing and traveling. I am convinced that this will solve the problem of what has become my discontented life.

         “What can be so bad about going online to meet someone? Others have done it. How hard can it be?” I don’t know why, but I’m talking to my younger sister who has been the bane of my existence all my life.
     “There are perverts out there. Don’t you get it? How can you be sure what kind of person you’re talking to?” Jess tells me. She has been married and divorced three times.
      “As far as I am concerned, online dating is the obvious answer. I no longer go to church and the bar scene is out. Senior’s groups are mostly women. My house has been empty far too long. There must be someone out there.”.
        “You’re not the only one who has to go it alone” Jess tells me, “Get over it! You’re looking for trouble. Don’t you know there are a lot of jerks out there---just waiting for some gullible old woman like you to come along who can support them or they’ll just string you along until they get tired of playing their funny little game. And besides that, no one will seriously be looking for someone as old as you. Get a pet. It will be less trouble,” Jess tells me. She never gives up with the advice.
       On no account would I admit that I might be seduced by the magnified memories of the good times, or that I might be deluding myself, and I resolutely discount the way my friends, who still have husbands, do nothing but complain about them; it’s always about him not taking the garbage out, his snoring at night, him getting under her feet, his spending too much time at the pub and golfing with the boys, or some other nitpicky faux pas.
     “All old married couples are like that,” Jess tells me. “Don’t you remember? Why don’t you listen to me? You’re too old for this. You’ll be lucky if you can find someone who knows what day it is, who still drives his car and who doesn’t drool. And don’t count on having a sex life; you’ve seen the ads: as young as forty most guys are faced with erectile dysfunction. Think what that means for someone whose “best before” date has already expired.”
        “Get outta here! You’re not helping me one bit. I’m just trying to find a way to meet someone. I’ll be the judge of what’s good for me.”
         But I wonder if Jess has a point: is it possible that older guys will be too far over the hill, falling apart, looking mainly for a nursemaid or a chief cook and bottle washer? Where does that leave me? Isn’t it bad enough that I already feel confused and guilty about meeting my own needs? I can’t put this off much longer and I’m not going to listen to Jess any more than I’m going to listen to those self-doubts and second thoughts that keep buzzing around in my brain pestering me like pesky mosquitoes!
       In spite of my resolve, I do not jump right into the online dating world; I put things off for a time, but when I do go for it, I have quite a ride. The first five men I meet are not relationship material; I could write a book on that subject. But before a year goes by I do connect with an older man who lives a thousand miles away where I go to visit my son. I guess you would call it a long distance relationship. We keep in touch by email, Skype or phone and we see each other on those occasions when I go down east. It’s not the greatest arrangement but one good thing about it, for sure, is that it is far away from Jess.

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