Dad To Daughter: "Your book is 'for women.'" Daughter to Dad: WTF?

This past weekend, I took my two little boys home for a trip to see my family in Texas. About a month before, I did something that one writer friend, at least, thought was crazy: I sent the first third of my novel to my parents. Why would I do such a thing? I guess I just wanted some encouragement and praise, some fuel to help me keep writing, and I said as much in my email. It's hard to get people to read your work, and only one of the seven friends I sent it to has gotten around to reading it yet. And my mom performed her part admirably, reading it post-haste and telling me how wonderful it was. It was the loving support I needed, and that I've always been extraordinarily lucky to count on from both my mom and my dad.

I had begun to wonder, however, why I hadn't heard anything from my dad yet. In addition to being a physician, he is a some-time writer, too, and a really good one. I didn't think too much of it, however: I figured he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. So, over a game of Monopoly with my brother and my boys, I asked, "Hey, did you get to look at the pages I sent?" I was surprised to see a look of discomfort cross his face. "Yes," he said. "What did you think?" I asked him.

"It's for women," he said.

And he said it in that way. The way that's like, "it isn't for me," the way that's like, "it's for children," or "it's for half-wits." Caught entirely by surprise, I muttered something like "yes, it probably will have mostly female readers," and rolled the dice, attempting to conceal my hurt and, to be honest, my sudden attack of embarrassment.

I admit it. On this pronouncement from my dad, I immediately thought: "Oh my god. My novel is a fluffy, silly book 'for women.'" Why would my dad or any other man want to read such domesticated crap? I still can't believe that I thought that, even for a second, but I did.

After all, my main character is a divorced mother of two boys. My book does draw heavily on my experiences as a single mother, a career woman, and a woman, period. And my dad is probably right. Mostly women will read it, because while women are expected to read books about men, even those as intimate and "domestic" as my book is, and consider them venerable commentaries on modern times (why shouldn't they, when the critics do?), men are supposed to look at books about women's lives and say, "oh, that's a 'women's book'" and dismiss them out of hand. (Why not, the critics do!)

I know this territory has been endlessly gone over. Sometimes I get so sick of reading about it, writing about it and thinking about it that I wish I could ignore the whole "woman writer" ghetto-thing. (A pointless strategy, but one that many women writers attempt -- as though protesting that they do not want to be "labeled" women writers will exempt them from the prejudice they face.) But hearing it from my own father, who didn't even finish reading the pages I sent once he'd made this determination, really hurt, and, when I got over my embarrassment, also made me really mad.

It is a tribute to all my years of therapy that that night, after the boys were in bed, I was able to tell him how I felt. It is a tribute to him that he listened, apologized, and, best of all, asked me to help him understand just how damaging attitudes like this are to women writers (and women in general), requesting that we open a dialogue through letters, phone calls and reading lists. I am so lucky to have a dad like mine. He is a loving, compassionate man who listens, and wants to learn, and we are close enough that we were able to begin to have a dialogue about it. (In fairness, he also admitted it was hard for him to read something so evidently based on my life, and that is something I completely respect and understand.)

So my question to you is: what would you tell my dad? What articles, essays or reflections would you send?

I have the beginnings of a list. I'll be sending Francine Prose's "Scent of Woman's Ink," of course, a link to VIDA's "The Count", Katha Pollitt's review of "A Jury of Her Peers" titled, "Scribblers, Unite! Are women writers undervalued because of what t..., and a link to the She Writes Radio show I did with Teri Coyne called "Genre, Gender and Race."

But I would love your help as I begin this dialogue, and as I continue to think about how to teach my sons to read. With an openness, I hope, to all great (and sometimes even just entertaining) writing, and an understanding that reading is meant to immerse us not only in worlds we inhabit, but in stories that ask us to imagine, and sympathize with, worlds beyond ourselves.

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Comment by Jo Anne Valentine Simson on November 3, 2012 at 5:56pm: Kamy, I've finally linked to this site in the blog I mentioned. It took me longer to write than I had expected, and it has turned into a two-part piece. It's at: http://joannevalentinesimson.wordpress.com/2012/11/03/being-valued-...

Comment by Karoline Barrett on October 17, 2012 at 9:09am: I really don't see a problem with your dad feeling that way There are books that women gravitate to more than men. And vice versa. My husband reads non-fiction only, and is not interested in reading my novel. He won't read any of my short stories. It doesn't bother me. My book is womens fiction. I can't see men being that interested in it.

Comment by H. Raven Rose on October 16, 2012 at 9:10pm: That is purely amazing to me that your father apologized and seeks to know how his reaction could be perceived as/was damaging. It is lovely that you shared your feelings with him and that it was safe to do so.

Comment by Ramola D on October 14, 2012 at 3:50pm: Kamy, you are brave and fearless to have confronted your Dad later and chatted openly with him on the subject. Thank you for an inspiring post, and for speaking openly of a base prejudice which continues to permeate our culture. Joanna Russ has a book, you may know of it: How to Suppress Women's Writing, which talks of much of this and about the attitudes in publishing in the '70s and early '80s she faced--which seem to persist in many ways, sadly. Tillie Olsen's Silences as you may know also talks about "women's writing" "for women."

I just wanted to say too, if you are looking for interim readers of your novel-in-progress, I would be happy to read. I too am in the middle of a novel with a woman protagonist and would be glad to exchange. Best to your novel, and thank you for blogging about it.

Comment by B. Lynn Goodwin on October 13, 2012 at 4:22pm: Depending on your relationship with your dad, you could say, "What's your point?" or "You could be right. What's your point?" By getting him to truly name what's bothering him, you might be able to open up a discussion about what your story is really about. I suspect it's not about gender.

Comment by Jo Anne Valentine Simson on October 12, 2012 at 7:54pm: BTW, I also linked this article to my facebook page.

Comment by Jo Anne Valentine Simson on October 12, 2012 at 7:49pm: Kamy, of course! I may simply include this link (and another one I've come across recently) in a blog on Taking Women Seriously (tentative title). Will let you know in this thread when I do.

Comment by Linda Joy Myers on October 11, 2012 at 6:04pm: Kamy, I think it was so brave of you not only to show your work to your parents in the middle of your process of writing, but that you came back later and were able to tell him how you felt. I was moved by his willingness to listen and to try to adjust his perspective. That's real love for sure. The discussions about "women's" books and books for "humans" was excellent too. I have always enjoyed all kinds of literature--much of it written by male authors, only I didn't choose my books based on the gender of the author. I believe that we all have lessons to share with each other as human beings, and each of us has something special to share with our readers. Good luck getting your book done, and thank you for starting She Writes!

Comment by Kamy Wicoff on October 11, 2012 at 1:10pm: And sure, JoAnne, happy for you to repost! Just please link to She Writes, so others can hear about it. :)

Comment by Kamy Wicoff on October 11, 2012 at 1:10pm: Gosh, so many great responses here. Grateful for the links, first of all -- thank you! I also feel like I should clarify something: I will be thrilled and honored to have women read my book. (As has been rightly pointed out here, women are much better readers/bookbuyers than men!) But the suggestion that because a book has a female protagonist, and centers on her life, and therefore does not have a story to tell ALL people, is emblematic of a larger attitude that labels "women" is a genre, and not simply a gender. Women write thrillers, they write scifi, they write historical fiction, they write memoir. And you might like any one of those genres, and want to read work by women AND men in any of them. When women are lumped into one gigantic category, however, that ostensibly can only attract readers who share their gender (not just anybody who likes books in their genre), they are being segregated and demeaned in a way that undermines their artistry and dehumanizes their very human stories.

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