Silent Voices

Hey friends...I just want to know how people would react to this opening, to see if anyone would read on or not...It would be so helpful if you read through this and let me know how you feel about it (any constructive feedback welcome -- positive or negative); also suggest how this could improve. Another thing, would you rather want to read this as a short story left with this ending or would you want it to continue as a series of chapters? Also, do you think the title works with this story? Thank you so much for your help!! I really appreciate the time you gave me!! God bless us all!

Shoiab's heart thumped in his chest as he hit the bell for the third time. Blood rushed through him, but from his very insides something chilling was trying to freeze him. He knew what he feared; a monster that always clawed him from inside, drowning away all hope. Shoiab closed his eyes and took a deep breath, biting his bottom lip to regain his control over his despair. A drop of sweat trickled down his face, as he hit the bell again. Something didn't feel right to him, something that was fuelling his deep dark fears.

Still no reply. That's it! he thought, snatching his phone out of his pocket, dialling Dadu's number.

"Dadu! Come here at once!" Shoiab yelled on the phone.

"Hello? Who is it?" The old man let sounded all groggy & disturbed, as he wasn't used to being woken up at 2 am, on weekdays atleast.

"Dadu, its me Shoaib. Please come here at once. She isn't opening the door. Isn't answering her phone. Maybe she is..." Shoiab choked back a tear, as he couldn't make himself pronounce the worst.

"Are you sure Shoiab?" Dadu had already sat bolt upright on his bed. "Maybe she is just sleeping..." The old man was genuinely concerned for her. He might just be her chauffeur to the whole world, but only the ones close to her knew what a bond they had; beyond professional ties, a parent-child thing.

"I was speaking to her on the phone Dadu. " Shoiab strained against the lump in his throat. "She sounded tired, but then..." he inhaled air to hold back his emotions. "Then suddenly she stopped speaking. I heard glass shattering. Then the line cut off.Dadu, something's terribly wrong."

"Do you reckon she was attacked? You know more people hate her than love." Dadu got dressed while, still on the phone.

Shoiab examined the door. It was good thing that she was rich heiress, who had the world's best automated locking system, which only opened using her own finger print, and would immediately inform the police if anyone tried to violate the glass door or windows. The house was voted the safest place in the city, yet he was sure she wasn't safe.

Suddenly something caught his eye...a trail of red on the white mirror-polish tiles under his feet...

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Comment by Syeda Tasmia Tahia on May 25, 2012 at 6:01pm: 4th chapter of my novel Silent Voices is ready to be read!http://ning.it/Kqsqel. thank u 4 all ur support&feedback! Do comment on post plz!

Comment by Syeda Tasmia Tahia on May 21, 2012 at 12:19pm: Dear Karoline,

Thank you so much for the 'i reckon' advice. I never thought that way. and sorry i didn't reply earlier. :)

Comment by Syeda Tasmia Tahia on May 21, 2012 at 12:18pm: Hey Naomi,

That was such a lovelye comment. I know you would love to find what happens next, which i can message you if you want, but to really understand the whole story you may want to read the alternative opening i tried. (read in this order for more clarity)

1.http://www.shewrites.com/profiles/blogs/silent-voices-the-prolong

2.http://www.shewrites.com/profiles/blogs/silent-voices-the-bright-ey...

3.http://www.shewrites.com/profiles/blogs/silent-voices-the-prince-of...

Do comment and let me know how you found it. remember i would love constructive criticism as well as appreciation. :D

Comment by Naomi Ruth Neilson on May 20, 2012 at 2:39pm: I think its a little vague for a beginning, but its wonderful! :) I couldnt wait to read more!!!! I'd love to read more of your writing.

Comment by Karoline Barrett on May 17, 2012 at 3:07am: Just a couple of comments - you could say his heart thumped, we know it's in his chest :) and also, the other character saying "I reckon" sounds too southern for this story!

Comment by Syeda Tasmia Tahia on May 16, 2012 at 4:58pm: Hey friends, Thank you so so much for your responses. It truly informed me of what impressions came out of the passage and how i can improve it. I have decided to create an entirely different opening to see how it works, because, I admit the passage above feels like the start of a horror story, but the evil in my story is evil within us humans. could you please feedback me on http://www.shewrites.com/profiles/blogs/silent-voices-the-prolong and http://www.shewrites.com/profiles/blogs/silent-voices-the-bright-ey... ...again negative positive impressions...Again I am so thankful for your support!! You guys are my star!

Comment by Catrina Barton on May 13, 2012 at 6:20pm: Sounds like a horror story to me. If you're trying to build suspense from the get go that needs clarified. As Lynna stated you have conflicting descriptions in the opening. Also, men usually don't bite their bottom lips, that's predominantly a female sign of nervousness. Men will rub the backs of their necks, or loosen a tie.

Comment by Lynne Favreau on May 11, 2012 at 7:40am: Hi Syeda,

I guess you'll have to keep writing this story! I want to know what happens—good job!

Can I make a few suggestions? In the first paragraph you have images or themes that conflict. For instance, clawing and drowning. If his insides are being clawed (which sound bloody and messy) why would that cause hope to drown?
After I read past the first paragraph, the first paragraph seemed to be setting up a different story than what followed.

You tell us he fears the monster within him, then say "something" doesn't feel right and is fueling his fear but since you just said it is the monster he fears this is a little confusing.

I thought the bell was one you struck, not a doorbell, you don't really hit a doorbell.

Sometimes when we are trying to build tension we try to hide what is going on in an effort to be mysterious but this can get confusing. Perhaps that is what has happened here?

Unless—there actually is something inside Shoiab—this monster that drowns all hope? Is he dreading the monster or just what has happened to the heiress?

Cut out obvious things like "thumped in his chest" because where else would it thump? and "blood rushed through him" —it does that pretty much all the time unless you're dead.

I think if you want to keep those two phrases you need to be more precise. For example- his heart isn't just thumping in his chest, it's pounding against his ribs. And as for the blood rushing—the effect you are trying to describe is caused by adrenaline (a hormone) that rushes through your bloodstream when triggered by fear or the fight or flee response, which can make you sweat, causes your heart to beat faster, and your breathing to increase.
Tell you what, I'm going to edit the first paragraph like it was mine, (and as if it is just fear not an actual monster within him) you tell me if you see the difference-okay?

Shoiab's heart pummeled his ribs as he depressed the doorbell for the third time. A chilling fright swept over and swelled within him threatening to drown hope. He knew what he dreaded. Fighting to regain control over his despair, Shoiab closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and bit his bottom lip. A drop of sweat trickled down his face as his deep dark fears vibrated to the surface shaking his hand. He stabbed at the bell again, no longer expecting an answer, certain something is wrong.

Well, that's not great but do you see how I used swept, swelling and drown, and then vibrates and shakes reinforcing the soundwaves the door bell makes?

I don't know enough of the story to determine if the title has meaning. Silent Voices: whose voices are being silenced and why? I can't wait to find out.

When you get to the editing process, weed out the superfluous—very, insides, his, suddenly, but. You want to eliminating words you repeat too often, are unnecessary ( if the sentence or idea makes sense without them-get rid of them)

I hope this was helpful and not overwhelming. You have an intriguing beginning that works well as a way into the story.

Write-on, Lynne

Comment by Syeda Tasmia Tahia on May 11, 2012 at 5:46am: Naomi, honestly do not know...I do have a couple of other ways to start the story...Just wondering, what do you think the story is about, because i want to know what impresion it gives...then i can think if the opening would work or not...I will post another opening soo....If you want, you can read that as well an see what you make of it.

Oh and thank you so so much for the lovely comment...it made my day when i found it in my email! :D

Comment by Naomi Ruth Neilson on May 10, 2012 at 4:39pm: Nice! :D I Like it. But i do have a question. Is this the main opening of your story? like is this how your gloing to start it?

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