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She Writes (More) on Fridays: Through the Maternal Looking Glass
There’s a feisty debate taking place among women writers at the New York Times this week about judgmental motherhood. And the momosphere is ablaze with judgments about another Times piece (“Honey, Don’t Bother Mommy. I’m Too Busy Building My Brand”), prompting SW member Debby Carroll to ask “Is the New York Times Really Threatened by the Mother Bloggers?” While everyone is abuzz about judging other mothers, I'm here busy judging myself.You see, since the arrival of my twins five months ago, I’ve had little energy or inclination to write about anything else. My new writing mentor, BK Loren, reassures me that “mothering has to be one of the least narcissistic acts on earth, so why not allow a little balance in the blogs?” But I’m not totally convinced.
Here’s what I wrote last Friday, a meditation, of sorts, on this theme:
My first spring day at the playground with A & T. They’re oblivious, sleeping soundly in their bucket seats while I take it in. The moment, it seems, is far less significant for them than for me.
They say motherhood shifts the lens, alters the filter through which you see. The mothers snapping pictures on their cell phones every time their 8-month-old makes a move for the sandbox become less irksome and more understood. The lone dad on the playground becomes interesting not because he’s hot but because he wants to swap notes. He spots my telltale Double Snap N Go and wheels his toddler up to me, pointing to him with a grin. “He’s a twin,” he says. And so it begins.
And yet how indulgent, I think, to be chronicling this transformation of mine, so very ordinary and yet so fundamentally new—to me. Are my playground exploits of wider interest? Is the maternal lens so clouded with maternal narcissism that we lose our ability to originate? Do we lose our edge along with the placenta? Even that last thought—I have it and then, the very next moment, wonder who else has had it before.
Perhaps it is true that there is nothing new under the monkey bars about thinking, writing, or living motherhood. And the question is, does that matter? I’m a beginner, and to beginners, the world is endlessly new. A & T, of course, are beginners too. And together we are all just looking at that slide on the playground as if for the first time, checking out our brand new reflection in its sparkling metal shine.
So tell me She Writers, what do YOU think: Is "mommy blogging" narcissistic? And if it is, so what?
(Photo cred: We Picture This)
Comment
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Comment by Jane Hammons on March 23, 2010 at 11:04am -
I second the recommendation of Brain, Child (and not just because I've published in it :) It is thoughtful and represents the widest range of experiences that I've seen in a magazine or journal devoted to motherhood. The online magazine Literary Mama is also good.
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Comment by Zoe Zolbrod on March 23, 2010 at 7:37am -
That's a good point, Jane. No category of writing is always good or always poor. No category of experience is outside the purview of literature.
It's likely that many people here know about the magazine "Brain, Child," but for those who don't, I'd recommend it as a source of thoughtful writing about parenting--and as a source of thoughtful criticism of such writing.
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Comment by Jane Hammons on March 23, 2010 at 12:33am
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FYI regarding an earlier post: Adrienne Rich was very much alive last time I checked.
I don't do much writing about motherhood anymore, and I never blogged about it. But when I was writing about being a mother, and also editing creative nonfiction for what was then Mom Writer's Literary Magazine (now Mamazina), I saw writing that was insightful and engaging and writing that was narcissistic and self-promotional. I don't see how this differs, really, from writing or blogging on any other topic, except that everyone seems to think they have a stake in what mothers do. But I do also think a lot of women and mothers fan the flames of the mommy wars in ways that are narcissistic sometimes and also to serve political agendas. Most of the mothers I know who blog do so out of a sense of community, but they also put down their iPhones, walk away from the computers, and volunteer in classrooms and are active in other things.
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Comment by Zoe Zolbrod on March 22, 2010 at 8:59pm
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I was trying to think of a new term when I posted, but I couldn't!
And what is the definition, anyone who writes about parenting? Anyone (any woman, that is) who writes anything in the first-person while also being a parent of a young child?
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Comment by Deborah Siegel on March 22, 2010 at 8:19pm -
Jennifer, the Dalai Lama is on Twitter? For reals? I love it. And Zoe, I hate the term "mommy blogging" too. I love your questions -- "Am I just drinking the cultural Kool-Aid that trivializes motherhood, or is the term really as cutesy and self-denigrating as it sounds to me? Did the media come up with that term, or are mommy bloggers self-identified?" I think it's time to invent a new term. Any takers?
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Comment by Zoe Zolbrod on March 22, 2010 at 7:06pm
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I think anything is fair game for writing. I bristle at the suggestion that women should not write or share the writing about their daily lives. In my varied life, mothering, especially an infant, especially the first time around, has been one of my most profound experiences. But I strongly dislike the term "mommy blogging," which seems to be part of the problem. It just doesn't seem to fit thoughtful, graceful writing like that in the original post. Am I just drinking the cultural Kool-Aid that trivializes motherhood, or is the term really as cutesy and self-denigrating as it sounds to me? Did the media come up with that term, or are mommy bloggers self-identified?
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Comment by Jennifer Lauck on March 22, 2010 at 12:33pm -
N O! When I had my son --and then daughter--it's all I wrote about and all I continue to think/write about. What is more important than mothering a child (other than learning to be a good mother to yourself and forgive your own mother if she screwed up). The Dalai Lama--over on Twitter--said this: "All human beings come from a mother's womb. We are all the same part of one human family." To blog, write, talk and be a mother is the greatest service to humanity--when done well and part of doing the job of mothering well is to ruminate, contemplate, meditate and you got it--WRITE--which is the ultimate act of self knowing I know.
Write on,Sister.
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Comment by Deborah Siegel on March 21, 2010 at 9:19pm
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Thank you, all of you, for your fortifying comments. For me, as a feminist writer, the issue also becomes how to connect my writing about A&T, eventually, to larger contexts, issues, concerns. How to make the personal political and all. To be continued, I am sure!
(Natalie, I loved this: The "new momism" documented by Susan Douglas is alive and well. We are supposed to be do-it-all supermoms consumed with our children. Yet, dare we blog/write about this and we are narcissists. Post-feminist society my foot. Adrienne Rich is rolling in her grave...>>)
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Comment by Galeigh Parkin on March 21, 2010 at 5:46pm -
Facts can confound our imaginations. Conversley, some "stoic deductions" invite controversial conclusions. As a conseqsuence, much is written by those who commit distorted notions. When one meditates on the creation of life ,there is a subtle awakening of the senses, to be embraced "As our destiny wrapped in a future" Our children are on Destinys Journey. All changes. Be patient, and savor the characteristics of your new born.
Mother is another name
For the closest kind of Friend
A sacred name so precious
In this world of "Lets pretend"
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Comment by Deborah Denson on March 21, 2010 at 10:47am -
Motherhood changed my perspective on life in so many ways. I started growing up in as my children grew up and that journey is no less epic than the Odyssey.
I love reading the writings of other mothers. The stories show me how I am connected to the broader universe... I am not alone as I find my way through midnight feedings or little league activities or college plans.
Sharing our experience, strength and hope ... spreading the wisdom of those that have gone before is what mankind has done for generations.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gifts from the Sea is lovely by the way... especially for moms!
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