I think that a
large percentage of the population may have missed this particular
memo. I mean, I guess I had just assumed that everyone would be able to
grasp this concept. Clearly, I have been suffering from an acute case
of naiveté. Apparently, lots of people really need to have this
explained very slowly to them. So from a Not So Skinny person, here’s
one for all you mall teenagers, over-forty New Jersey moms, and
under-forty New Jersey single women out there who are shaped just like
me: Skinny Jeans are for Skinny People.
There. Was that clear enough? Maybe I should go slower…
S k i n n y j e a
n s a r e f o r s k i n n y p e o p l e. Better? I hope so. Now,
before I elaborate further, let me just say that the fact that you are
not a skinny person does not mean that you should dress yourself in a
feedsack, or your mom’s old maternity clothes, and hide in a corner for
the rest of your life. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I, at five
feet, six inches tall and a rather round 152 pounds myself, am the last
person to be chastising someone about their weight. All I’m saying is
that we of the Not So Skinny demographic need to be aware of our
bodies.
So. Now that the
whole
kumbaya-hand-holding-self-affirming-everyone-should-feel-good-about-themselves
nonsense is out of the way, let me say that feeling confident and
dressing your body to look great is possible at any size. (Oh my god I
sound like O Magazine. Maybe they want to hire me to write for them!
LaToya, I know you have an in there. Can you please have their people
call my people? Thanks.) There are plenty of styles out there that
work well for us of the Not So Skinny demographic. But I hate to break
it to you - and I’m going to try and let you down gently here - skinny
jeans are not one of them. And they never will be.
Just because the
latest fall fashion comes tripping down the catwalk on a size-zero
supermodel and sweeps the nation like Snowpocalypse 2010 does not mean
that it’s for everyone. There’s a reason those models are so skinny. I
remember when Gap brought back the skinny black pant, and their tv ads
all featured an Audrey Hepburn look-alike who cavorted around in her
skinny black pants in an Audrey Hepburn-like fashion and looked
adorable. The pants looked great! And they will look great on you,
too. If you look like Audrey Hepburn. You may have noticed that the ads did not feature a Rosie O’Donnell look-alike.
Oh, and just on a
side-note, here’s something else that everyone should probably know.
If, when you put your jeans on in the morning, you have to do that
weird, jumpy-dance and then lay upside-down on the bed to button them, they do not fit you. They are too small. Believe me, I’ve been there.
So, to sum it all
up, Keira Knightly may wear skinny jeans. Hillary Clinton may not. (No
offense, Madame Secretary.) Oprah circa 1988- yes. Oprah circa 2010-
no. Blake Lively (I have no idea who that is but I hear her name all
the time so she must be young and skinny)- go for it. That girl who
played what’s-her-name in Hairspray- sorry. Kristen Stewart- please
do. Martha Stewart- please do not. That's all.
There, was that so hard?
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