The last time I visited this topic, my status was “cab-light is on but I’m off-duty”. I recently noticed I date frequently for someone who is “off-duty” so perhaps my status is changing to “cab-light is ON”. Boys, what do you think? Does it seem like my cab-light is ON? Is there such a thing as “ON but dim”?
When you strip it down to nuts and bolts (no pun intended), dating is sort of a strange concept. You meet someone who’s a complete stranger and talk for a while. Maybe you do this over coffee, lunch, drinks, or dinner. If the first introduction seems promising, you do that a few more times. Then, at the end of one of these encounters, you and your “date” rub your lips together a little. If the target continues to capture your interest, then you might repeat this process a few more times. At some point it escalates to what I call a “roll-around” which is a heavy-duty make-out session.
Presumably, as things continue to progress and you start to get to know one another; you will take off all your clothes and rub your bodies together. This usually happens within 20 (or less) rendezvous. But, seriously, there is NO WAY you could possibly know someone in 20 (or less) short encounters. But, this is the way it seems to work. It’s a decision tree where you have two choices: 1) take off your clothes and explore sexual compatibility and deep emotional intimacy, or 2) become “friends” which is just another term for “I don’t want to take it any further with you”. And, since I’m not a casual or recreational sex kind of girl, I’m now in a relationship with someone I hardly know.
I think this is a little fucked up but I’m not sure how I’d change it because if you don’t explore or take a chance, you never know – right? And obviously, you use your best judgment but I can guarantee you “he” is not the person you thought he was in the first 20 dates. Once you figure out who “he” really is, you will have to decide if “he” is still your dream guy, your love or at least acceptable and someone you want around. But, every day is a choice for everything in life, right? Relationships, family, work, health, financial stability, character, moral compass, spirituality, kindness, etc.
With all that said, I believe in my instincts, intuition, and most importantly I believe in fate. I believe people are in each other’s lives for a reason – however big or small. And it’s always a two-way street with fate; those faithful relationships offer a delicate and sometimes fathomable “give” to the mutual parties.
There’s a lot more to dating – excitement, frustration, risk, adrenaline, nervousness, chance, entertainment, anticipation, disappointment, it goes on-and-on – but I think my overall objective is to find deep, insurmountable companionship. So, I try, I date, and my cab light is ON, albeit dimly.
Most recently, my dating adventures are…in somewhat chronological order.
1. “Friend with Benefits” (aka FWB) – This is one of those crappy stories, a mistake and one I can’t take back. In short, I slept with a friend who should have stayed a friend. FWB’s moral character is acceptable as a friend but dreadful as lover. I’m old enough to know better but was blinded by lure and overlooked his inadequacies. We’re not friends now and we won’t be friends again. This small turn of fate was to remind me to follow my instincts and stay true to my heart. I am hoping this will be the last time I have to learn this small but important relationship pitfall.
2. Christian – If you remember from A Soliloquy of Dating (http://lilynews.com/2011/03/07/a-soliloquy-of-dating/), it was a decade ago and in a different life when I met Christian. He and I were close colleagues at one time but lost touch as the whirl of life swept us in different directions. He separated from his wife 2 years ago, and divorced in February of this year. I hadn’t seen him since 2004 when he reached out in January. Funny, and nice, how he came out of the woodwork and tracked me down after all this time. We got together once for drinks in late February, it was great to see him. He’s as handsome as ever and has searing charm, just like I remembered. Then in March he invited me to his apartment for an intimate dinner party with his cousin, and another friend who turned out to be a young Muslim lesbian who tried to get me to play for her team – I humorously passed. After a deliriously entertaining evening, I left feeling that frenetic, newly divorced, excited to be single, afraid of being alone, vibe from Christian. Not relationship material for me, but I think I can help him find his calm, his peace, his personal “OM” in life.
3. The Psychologist – He’s an attractive, strapping 6’ 3”, motorcycle riding, band-playing, all-testosterone psychologist. We’ve been on one date and I think it was more fulfilling for him than me. During the date he talked about “those business people” with the same condemnation as someone saying “those terrorist”. I wanted to stand on top of my bar stool and scream “HEY, FUCK YOU, I’M ONE OF THOSE BUSINESS PEOPLE, DUMBASS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU ARE ON A DATE WITH MOTHER FUCKER?” At least he was manly, in a snarly way, nice to look at, and had a motorcycle. He texts me on a regular basis to secure Date #2, but I’ve been too busy to set something up. (See #1 for lesson learned.) But at the same time I haven’t hit “release”….maybe I’m looking for a testosterone filled motorcycle ride? There’s something hot about being on the back of a two wheeled rocket-ship with a big burley man sitting between your legs.
4. Poor Bastard w/ Serious Baggage – This was a one-hit-wonder lunch date from last week. Its people like him that make you want break out a dominatrix outfit and give whip & chain filled lessons on reality and honesty. “That’s a lie you dirty bastard – whip, crack, smack!” First, he told me he lived in NYC but alas, he really lives WAY up in Bergen County New Jersey. That’s like saying you live in San Francisco when you actually live in San Jose. I’d already agreed to go out with him, so I decided to overlook this major blunder. Then, he was 30 minutes late to our first date. WTF? Do you think your time is more important than mine? I’m busy and don’t have time to wait around for assholes who can’t get their shit together to show up for a first date on-time. Then, when he did show up, all he wanted to talk about was how his soon-to-be ex-wife manipulated him into marriage and while he has been separated for two years, he’s not divorced and can’t tell his kids he wants to date. At this point, I am thinking GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! Are you kidding me? Please go home, deal with your baggage - don’t show up and hand it to me! I plan to give him the “fast fade” which means I’ll never respond to any message or phone call again.
5. Peter – He made his first appearance in A Soliloquy of Dating. He’s the handsome, successful, smart, charming, Hungarian ironman with whom I love to hang-out. But…for reasons I can’t articulate, I have reservations. In my last posting, I thought we didn’t have those extra special dopamine inspired warm-fuzzies. This could be a false assumption – maybe I’d not given it a chance? But something about him stayed with me and I wanted to get to know him better so we went on a few more dates – nothing too serious or heavy. He’s slightly self-absorbed, which I like because he exudes confidence which is attractive to me. But at the same time, I wonder if he can see and feel ME through his own diatribe. I’m not sure if he likes the idea of me (successful, younger, attractive blonde woman) or is actually interested in ME, who I am – a strong-minded, sometimes difficult woman who doesn’t put up with any shit? I’m the last thing from easy arm-candy. The last two times we went out, we had a nice electric filled kiss goodnight. Nothing too hot and heavy, but nice all the same – and maybe there is a chance for oxytocin pumping hotness in the future? But, at this point, I’m being cautious – no reason to rush into anything. I guess time will tell because I think I’ll be seeing Peter again. Oh yeah, he has a motorcycle too. Maybe I’ll get that much needed adrenaline rush on the back of his bike and forgo the “business-hatin” psychologist?
6. Mr. Distiller – He is the last of the current line-up. We haven’t gone out yet, but I’m interested. He’s a Brooklyn based taco-eatin’, Colorado-lovin’, skiing, extroverted, motorcycle riding (do you see a theme here?), well educated, entrepreneur who opened his own distillery 4 years ago.
To sum it up, number #1 and #4 are history, #2 is a friend, and I might go on a Date #2 with #3 on a night when I am bored and have nothing better to do. #5 gets priority and I need to make time to go on a date with #6. Stay tuned, I’ll be sure to update along the way.