The other day, I was reading the news online and I saw this headline “Why Jake left Vienna?” My first thought was, “How come this guy’s dislike of Austria merits a headline?” As I read further, I realized that the headline was not about the city of Vienna but about the chick on The Bachelorette whose name is Vienna. I glanced at the article and made a mental note to watch more TV besides animated sitcoms so I have an idea what is going on in the entertainment world.

Anyway, I started to think about the name Vienna, and I wondered when it was that parents-to-be made the decision to look to the World Atlas for their babies’ names instead of the traditional baby books. In recent years, some of the most popular baby names are those of cities. Case in point: the name Madison.

I will admit that Madison has a nice ring to it, but why is it now a first name? Okay, I could see how those who attended the University of Wisconsin might want to name their kid Madison after their alma mater and the city in which it resides. On the other hand, I went to school in NYC, and I felt no need to name my kid Bronx, although I did hear that a pop star (I am not sure which one) named her son or daughter Bronx, and that floored me. If I were to pick a borough, I would pick Brooklyn. When you just hear the name for the first time, Brooklyn does sound sort of pretty. Queens is nice too, but if your kid has to live around red necks or bigots, that could be a tough road.

If we are going to continue to pick city names to be children’s names, I have a few suggestions. I like the Ohio city of Piqua. I think Piqua has an exotic air to it. Butte has a nice ring to it too. It sounds like a shorter version of beautiful. Again, a caveat: make sure that people know the u sound is a long u sound. If not, your kid is going to be plastered with the nickname Butt or something worse, and we all know those nicknames never fade away.

I think if parents want to be truly creative with city names, they should look to the Amish. Not far from my home lies quaint Lancaster County and the towns of Blue Ball, Intercourse, Paradise and Bird-in-Hand. Yes, these are real names. The locals assert that the when the towns were named, they were not meant to be sexually suggestive – yeah right. I would buy that if there was one town with a suspect name. That would be a coincidence, but four towns with suggestive names all within a short buggy ride of each other is no coincidence. Its four Amish guys with a raunchy sense of humor who didn’t think their towns would make it on the state maps. Anyway, history aside, I think no one can deny a child bearing one of these town’s names would get noticed in this world.

Yes, I know it’s not nice to poke fun at the Amish, but truthfully, why do I care? They won’t be reading this to know I am making fun of them, and if any Amish person does read this, they are not good at being Amish, so screw it. Anyway, if you want to be a gutsy parent and give your kid a colorful name of a city, Blue Ball (Insert last name here) sounds pretty damn good to me, and Blue Ball contains both a first and middle name. How convenient is that?

While some parents have embraced city names, others prefer state names like Dakota. I admit that I like the name Dakota – for dogs or ferrets or creatures with four paws -- people not so much. And, if you are going to select a state name, don’t wimp out and straddle the state line. Pick North Dakota or South Dakota or don’t pick anything. The same goes if you are partial to the Carolinas. I also want to know who decided that Dakota would become so popular. How come no one jumped on the name Kansas or Iowa or Colorado for a baby name? What made Dakota the cool name?

I’m sorry, I know I have been babbling, but this is what happens when my mind is forced to take in tabloid entertainment news. Maybe non-traditional names will eventually grow on me. I would consider something different if I were ever to have another child at this stage of my life. How does Imsuingtrojan or Justkillmenow grab you? I wonder if those names would catch on.