I have the sinking feeling in my gut that I will probably be fired tomorrow. I was panicked at first- full of Stress and anxiety- almost paralyzed with it. Then I stopped, “what happened to the "me" that was precise and accurate?” I have never woken up to say, “Today, I just want to be mediocre.” But the output of my work has been such. Come to think of it, does anyone really wake up to think that? I doubt it. Even looking at people who mooch off the government, I don’t think they did, even though that is what their output is saying. What gets in the way to create the mediocrity and the desire? That is what I have started to focus on. I do not want to look for blame, but what changed, and how do I change it back or how do I adopt so that I do not put my family in peril? Not just work stuff has been suffering, but everything from my soul to our family bookkeeping. At what point can I just say, “ENOUGH!!!” and start over. I am attempting to do that today. Today will be the first day that my purpose and my output match. I will not allow for things or people or my own pitfalls to derail me from all the small things that make up my purpose. Oh, wait- what is my purpose? Crap… But seriously: today: complete everything I do with intention and mindfulness of my own actions. From changing a diaper to paying the bills and brushing my teeth. Making sure that how I do something and why is because it is who I am and not because someone told me so. I need to make decisions on my own and learn to not jump to decisions to quickly without thinking about the repercussions first.
Today, I will breathe. Is the simple solution just needing more oxygen it? I don't know, but it cannot hurt to try.