Last evening I went to a book signing for Elizabth Nunez' newest novel, Anna In Between. It was a book signing/Christmas celebration and there was food there. Lots of it. This should be the least important fact coming out of such a beautiful and intellectually stimulating evening - but I'm a self-diagnosed food junkie. I love food and I love to eat. Coming from a family of excellent cooks and blasé overeaters, early in life I promised myself I would be a good example of healthy living to my family. Still, my eating habits have always fluctuated. Not in extremes but somewhere between “not so great and not too bad.” Over the past few years though, I believe that I have slowly lost all my resolve to eat right. Like so many millions of people, right eating habits are now a huge challenge to me. I eat way too much and far too often. At times I eat when I am not hungry, sometimes food I don’t like. I find myself eating in a sate of mindlessness. Eating comforts me. Then I eat to my discomfort. It feels like this is bordering on some type of psychosis. Needless to say, my body has ballooned, to my full blown embarrassment.

Anyway, the food at the event was great. Good and tasty, Caribbean style food - just as I like it. Smoked turkey with chow chow; pastries, wontons, ackra, wine, cheese, punch a cream (they called it cocqito), fish pastelles, black cake and sweet bread. Let’s not get into the sorrel and other drinks that were also available. (Now, I’m tempted to abandon this entry and go eat; this blog is supposed to help with my excessive eating, not chase me into the arms of my fridge.) But I digress.

I did really good last night and took a reasonable size serving. Just morsels of a few dishes, enough food for the time of night I was eating and more importantly, enough to satisfy my hunger. I felt proud of myself. But as I sat there eating, all I could think was, "Man, this food is good. I only had a little so I'm going to go back and get some more of the ackra, two more wontons, 1 more slice smoked turkey and a small portion of that chicken, sausage, yellow rice.” My earlier good behavior gave me a feeling of entitlement, I deserved more.

Luckily, I invited my friend Maureen to the event with me and on our way there I told her about the way I was overeating lately and not exercising. She promised that we would meet sometime during the upcoming week and go walking or do an aerobics class together. Always encouraging, she reminded me to think health instead of aesthetics. At the event, Maureen sat close by and as I was about to go back for seconds I whispered to her, “I’m going to get a bit more food.” On hearing what I said, she placed her hand over my empty plate and said a simple, gentle “no.” She said, “you don’t want to do that, that’s where the trouble is.” Now listen, I’m a grown woman who has been taking care of herself for a long, long time. And although I merely gained it back, I have lost a whole lot of weight on my own, on a number of occasions. I don’t like people telling me what to do. But in spite of this fierce need for self-governance, at that moment, hearing that “no” was very good for me and most certainly welcomed. It was like meeting a rest-stop after endless miles of driving on the highway, while needing to use the bathroom. It gave me a moment, a necessary pause. It gave me time to “breathe” - to think before eating. I looked at her and smiled, then said, “thank you.” “Unless you are still hungry,” she added. And I had to admit that I was not. Surprisingly, I did not feel reproved or belittled. In fact, I felt a little more in control and a sort of breaking free. I was happy that we had talked earlier because now I felt a re-connecting to my decision to eat better.

I took a doggie bag home with me from the party and I am happy to report that the bag stayed untouched and I ate nothing again for the rest of the night. Nor did I eat anything during the wee hours of the morning when I would usually get up from sleep, watch TV and eat as if it were highest noonday. This experience with Maureen left me thinking. Perhaps it might be much easier to stick to a good eating plan and an exercise schedule if I didn’t try to do it alone anymore. Maybe it’s time I asked for help. Also, writing has been an effective tool that I have used in the past to get through some very difficult times. For me, writing brings guidance and healing. It allows me to think in a more focused manner, and as a result, make more sound decisions. Merging these two suppositions, I have decided to write about my eating habits and my overall pursuit of a healthier lifestyle. I have also decided to form “weight loss partnerships” with anyone who wants to trade an encouraging word on this road to renewed health.

As 2009 draws to a close, I am looking at 2010 as I have looked at many other new years. I’m promising myself to eat right and exercise regularly. Nothing new. The only difference from other years is that for 2010, I am also promising myself to use writing to steady, focus and motivate myself to live healthily. Wish me luck.

Have a happy and healthy 2010!