I am a fitful writer. I am happiest when I write, but I often don’t write for weeks, even months at a time. During those times, I can feel myself losing grip of my art, my light, my happiness. I doubt my work. Then life takes over, and I let it. I’ll reorganize the entire house, clean the windows, wipe the baseboards, visit the grocery and hardware stores, take the kids on an all-day outing. I pretend it’s fine; life is just busy. The truth is that life is busy. But it’s not fine. Not writing is like telling my lover it’s okay for him to leave for a month and not call or write. I tell him, “I can keep busy. It’s okay, I’ll be fine.”

No. I won’t.

Well-meaning friends have proposed that writing in fits and starts is just how I work. I have fruitful periods and barren periods. Sometimes the muse just isn’t there. Well, screw that. My testy muse is an unreliable bitch and I need to find a way to forge on without her.

This last week, for the first time in over a decade, I considered giving up writing. I have a full memoir manuscript begging me from the shelf to just finish her, revise her, connect a few more dots. It’s an incredible story of faith and love and magic. And I sat around this week and said out loud, tears rolling down my cheeks, “It’s a stupid idea. I don’t even know why I’m writing it.”

Of course, the little honest bird in my heart knew that this was ridiculous, just a toe-dip into despair to see how it felt to give up. It was a reaching down, a superficial effort to hit bottom so I could sit down at the god-blessed computer and write something.

I guess it worked, because here I am. But I’m exhausted. I’m wet and worn like a twisted rag. I feel the pull, right this very second, to drift to my bed and take a nap. But with each word I type, I’m pushing away the blank page, trying to stare down the dark place, fists raised for a fight.

Views: 20

Comment

You need to be a member of She Writes to add comments!

Join She Writes

Comment by M. Kinnel on January 25, 2013 at 3:32pm

I've gone through periods that I didn't write and it killed me because all I could think about was writing. Real life happens, like having to wipe those baseboards down. :) I just try to take it one day at a time. Some people write every single day. I don't but I do writing related things like visit other writers' blogs and peruse sites like this. I also research publication avenues for when my story is ready to be hacked picked apart. Good luck and keep going. :)

Latest Activity

Deborah Ailman posted blog posts
17 minutes ago
Kelly Hashway replied to the discussion 'What did you blog about today?' in the group Bloggers: Let's Make It Work!
"I'm featuring two great books, and there's a sale and giveaway involved. Check it out.http://kellyhashway.blogspot.com/2014/09/friday-feature-who-r-u-really-book.html"
54 minutes ago
Hilary Carter posted a blog post

Why Foldable Ballet Shoes Should Be Your First Choice?

Foldable ballet shoes are perfect for today’s fashionable women as well as for working women. These beautifully designed foldable shoes can be teamed up with any outfit of your choice. Women will be praising the efforts of the person who first…See More
3 hours ago
Nora Hart shared their blog post on Facebook
4 hours ago

Members

Badge

Loading…

© 2014   Created by Kamy Wicoff.

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service