Long time Comin
Written by
Kristin Moyer
November 2015
Written by
Kristin Moyer
November 2015

I'm a hand girl. I love a man with a strong pair of them, God's Grace embodied them as he lifted me from the ruins of my life, I use them as a conduit for creation and pleasure so that they seemingly hum with electrical current. So, there is no surprise that the imagery used to rattle the ratchets and loosen my grip on shit that no longer serves me, is that of hands. Two hands, letting  go. I see it loud and clear so that there is no mistaking the intended meaning of the message. "Got it" I say, "Let Go!" So I do.

Years, years of "trying" so much fucking trying that I can't stomach that word anymore. Humans are silly with all the self willed trying. Tis the wound of existence in the flesh I suppose. It isn't failure that I fear it's mediocrity and the mold I assume it lives in. You see, I spent years, years pretending to be a rule follower, a conformer and someone rightous enough to judge others because of their  lack there of. Poor me to have to live amongst the wicked, staining my crystal clear conscience. The stress in following my self imposed rules of integrity as well as keeping up with the lie that I even want to has come to it's murky end. I, my friends, am a rule breaker, a nonconformist, a rebel, a wild card and a misfit. And it feels GOOD.

Authenticity is a hot word right now. Purpose driven and authentic business minded women entrepreneurs are flooding the internet with coaching and inspiration. It's all so glam and powerful and soulful and sexy. Really, I want that. I do. But here are the facts. I am a girl who struggles through narrow parts of the path, I get stuck half way through, turn back, then back again, dig a new path, dead end, back on track, SQUIRREL! Shit, where was I going again? Call it self doubt, fear or resistance, I don't know. But it's real, FOR ME. This is my authentic truth. For a long time I bush-wacked my way through the brambles of my own psyche only to come to realize that I cannot part the proverbial Red Sea alone. Duh. It can be parted but I ain't the one at the helm. Call it what you will, but I am referring to the driving force of all creation, the Source, the Divine, the God or Goddess, whatever, you get the drift. A power greater than myself restores me, I just keep forgetting. Maybe I'm not alone but my need to be different tells me that nobody could understand. Letting go of self imposed limitations and becoming ready to soar to new heights is some scary shit, peacefully scary. Like laughing at a funeral. busting through my own glass ceiling has required some rebounding, so what. Here goes.

Baby, wounded child, traumatized teen, addicted adult, martyr, homelessness, degradation, self loathing, sickness, spiritual death, saving grace, salvation, recovery, spiritual abundance, self mastery. Can all of these things actually be a reality in one lifetime. That's a lot of life and a lot of surrender. How can a girl from the trenches have riches in her pockets and diamonds on the soles of her shoes? Who am I to shine anyway? From what standpoint do we get the best perspective of our purpose. looking back it's safe to say that purpose driven and authentic were for the more... sterile and pristine. That is, only if we judge our potential by our story. The story is the work and the process but the potential is pure magnetism. We are born with a purpose to become authentic expressions of love. We are given gifts to creatively share ourselves. We take on a load of stuff and then unload, playing hide and seek with our light. the more light we reveal the more magnetism is available to draw us into an authentic expression of purpose. This is why becoming intimate and vulnerable with other humans is imperative to our growth. As within, so without. We learn to love ourselves through relationships with others. Life is a prism through which only the heart can see. So is the journey from the head to the heart so that we can let go, surrender and connect. The divine channel runs through the flesh only when the valve of the heart is pulsing with the breath of Love. 

I have what I refer to as  "Jesus Resistance". I come from heathen lineage with no real connection to religion. The only spirituality I know is through a 12 step program and my own seeking. I love learning, researching, defining..but committing, not so much. Over the years I have tried numerous times to become part of a Christian Church. It goes something like this. 1. The kids need God, lets find a church. 2. Find a random church 3. Go there, it's so clean and neat and tidy and moral and all the things I am not. oh my God, get me out of here! they are singing! Guitars?! is that Justin Beiber. So, ok I know this is a tad over the top stereotype but it's for real how my brain processes the experience. I have a Jesus resistance. I am so freaking obstinent that I will explore Angels and Jesus through the guise of darkness and evil in my attempt to thwart conformity. Not that I don't believe that the Light expresses itself through a casting upon darkness, but my god there is a simpler and more direct route to defeating resistance and overcoming fear. My personal demons and the wily adversary of the collective unconscious are indeed real and true authentic pieces of myself but in the act of dispelling the possession, the attachment, the addiction, one must CHOOSE to stand in the Light. Like whole body in that shit. submerged, immersed, all in, every inch. From this place we can invite in our demons. Jesus forgave and became compassion and Love in the face of terror and hate and in doing this, the darkness is brought into the Light. we are risen, our base material is risen. When we let go and give way to the rise, we allow and to allow is the opposite of to resist. Even as I write this, the words are flowing through me. What would Jesus do? He would surrender, let go, fall into... As we do in Love, into the baptismal waters of all potential, only to rise again reborn. 

This is some deep shit. I set out to write this post about resistance and confusion and surrender in pursuit of the authentic self and a purpose driven life. What pops up? Jesus. Why? I don't know yet. I guess that's material for another piece. I am shaken into the awareness though, the hands, the crucifixion and the stigmata, the Hamsa, Just for today this means for me, Peace connection and compassion actualized through the practice of choice and surrender. I choose to stand in the Light and let go, magnetizing unto myself all of my potential and lost or hidden parts. From the darkness of the ash we rise in flames, all of me, without abandon. We become I and back to We I go, because I can't, but We can. I cannot go it alone. My Will is of the flesh only, meat, bones, story and earth. Life is seductive and sensual. Eternity is immaculate yet one cannot know itself without the other. Each moment is an occasion, rise to it. Namaste. 

Let's be friends

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