that feeling
Contributor
Written by
Jill McK
February 2015
Contributor
Written by
Jill McK
February 2015

you know that feeling, when you take images (real or imagined) that reveal something about yourself, about your character, and you hear music that is so perfectly complementary to those images? and the combination of these two senses forms a film. you can see the film: clips and pieces of your life, of seemingly meaningless events that come together in a moment to mean everything. and you can’t help the growing pool forming around your eyes, but you aren’t really crying. though emotion-rooted, it’s not crying. it’s a different sensation. it’s as if, like the growing pool, you are experiencing a growth in yourself. you feel a dominant, unyielding expansion of yourself. you are seeing all the events that that have shaped you, putting them together, and feeling two completely opposite emotions. it is a war. they are fighting as you are simultaneously trying to to discover how exactly it is that you feel. you feel joy about those silly experiences that have felt so good, and you didn’t even realize how good they felt at the time. then you feel sadness, powerful sadness. perhaps it is because you wish you could bring those times back, in a way. and you wonder, also, if growing means there will be less of those times. or worse, maybe, that you will be unable to recognize them. because, truly, they, the feelings, are fleeting. they are diminutive and specific. they are exact breezes and indistinguishable scents, melodic tunes and striking beats. to ease your worries about losing this ability of recognition and expression is to believe in continuous growth. you must believe that there will be an incessant need to organize your film. and to hope that, as it is said, your whole life will flash before your eyes the moment before you die.

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