i was warm, comfortable, and in a state of utter relaxation, similar to that moment of levity and placelessness immediately before falling asleep.  it is that moment when awareness fades away - when i am no longer human; i may be a fly or an oak tree or a grain of sand on a remote beach. it is the moment i look forward to on particularly stressful days. it is the moment between consciousness and complete nonexistence. this was my first encounter with this sensation.  my cloud-like comforter and 500 thread count sheets were substituted with amniotic fluid and the soft walls of my mother's uterus. like the shock of being awoken by a loud noise, my oasis was disrupted by something far more tragic. the walls that protected me through ____ now took on a new identity (FORESHADOWING), and began contracting with excruciating pressure all around me. i was in a state of frightened confusion.  this betrayal was incomprehensible.  these walls has been a source of comfort and protection for as long as i could remember.  why now were they inflicting such pain? i simultaneously tried to endure the pain and understand why. did i do something wrong?  i had to quickly dismiss this self-reflection, as the pressure increased and my walls began pushing me away. i was now moving. i felt alone and discarded, but these thoughts had to remain in my subconsciousness; my immediate concern was simple: survival. just when i thought i could no longer handle this tragedy, i felt a sensation unlike anything else. i entered a new dimension and a new reality. the feeling of what i now know to be air was cold, painful and terrifying. i was exposed. the walls that once provided me with comfort and security were stripped, becoming a more distant memory with each passing moment. 

i had entered the world confused, betrayed and terrified about what was ahead.

my parents had just left. i was sitting on "my bed" in a room that was now mine, but was not mine at all.  it's cinder block walls, with thick paint concealing years of dirt and wear. . . it's dirt brown carpet speckled with the grime of someone else, of so many others. i opened the door in an attempt to feel less like a prisoner. i was startled as a group of giggling future sorority girls flew past me, debating whether they should go to the party at kappa alpha or sigma pi. i was fascinated as much as i was annoyed.  how do these girls do it?  how do they conjure up that sing-song laugh and strut in that seemingly choreographed way? it was recognizable as a scene from a teen movie, but i was now witnessing the real life ________ which until now, i ______. overwhelmed, i raised my eyebrows, gave them a smug smile, and retreated back to my room.  i ripped open my first box, determined, now more than ever, to transform this ____ box into something resembling a retreat. 

i think when i drive.  the content of my thoughts depends largely on the status of my life.  today i am nostalgic. i am unstable. i am devastated. today is a day that is unimaginable - one of those melodramatic situations reserved for hollywood. this type of thing doesn't happen in real life. i am not equipped to cope with this.